10 Deus Ex Augmentations We Wish Existed


So I’ve been playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution a lot this week. And when I say I’ve been playing it a lot, I mean it; Steam says I’ve logged 16 hours since the game unlocked late Monday night.

All that time with DXHR got me thinking — I could really use some badass augmentations. Here are ten augs I’ve come up with that I think would be hella fun and useful.

10. The Lay On Your Back and Take It aug

It’s not fair that women are the only ones who can just lay back and take it. When a man isn’t “in the mood” no amount of coercion by his partner will get him ready. This aug, which is basically a non-painful penis pump, would allow a man to engage in sex without thinking about it. We’ll finally be able to make jokes about men not paying attention during sex. That’s what I call true equality of gender.

9. Noise Filter aug

There’d are a lot of things in this world that we just don’t need to hear, and this aug lets you filter those things out. The aug would be highly customizable; you can filter anything, from that sorority girl who won’t stop listing things she wants her mom to pick up at Wal-Mart to all those stupid fans who yell constantly at football games.

8. Human Hand aug

Robot arms have their advantages, but they have one major disadvantage, too, for men everywhere. See, it’s kinda hard to, uh, make yourself happy when your hand is made of cold steel. This aug makes your hand feel like a human hand again so as to make Happy Time happy again.

7. Stomach Chef aug

You know what’s a bitch? Eating. I often forget to eat until I’m about to pass out, and then I engorge myself on a huge pile of fried chicken wings, thus keeping me at my current weight. This aug will put a tiny robot chef in your innards that will provide all the sustenance you will ever need, eliminating the need to eat. This makes perfect sense, I assure you.

6. Auto Talk aug

Man, we sure are awkward at parties. This aug helps with that. It’s not really like the social enhancement aug in DXHR, though. This aug actually talks for you, without any input from you. It’ll come with five pre-programmed phrases, and you can buy hundreds of add-ons for it. And this baby is highly customizable, too; you can, say, program it to say something awful and outrageous if you hesitate to speak for too long, inspiring you work harder to be less shy. The possibilities are limitless.

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2 Comments on 10 Deus Ex Augmentations We Wish Existed

Luther

On August 25, 2011 at 11:37 pm

I don’t know what your talking about with the number 8 aug, I often time’s sit on my hand and wait for it to go numb, I call it the stranger.

Cyanyde

On September 13, 2011 at 7:01 pm

omfg.
I can’t believe I never thought of that… ;p