10 Things vs. Capcom (LIST)

Everybody loves pitting things against Capcom, but we here at GameFront feel like maybe the pairings we’ve seen in the past are lacking a little in imagination, and so we’ve kindly come up with suggestions for some new additions to the “vs. Capcom” franchise. We’ll let you make any of these ideas into games, Capcom, for the low, low price of $1 million.

(Click the images to look at big versions.)

1. Angry Birds vs. Capcom

After five years of murdering pigs, the angry suicide bomber birds finally killed all of them, but they aren’t adapting well to civilian life, which is only naturally considering they’ve prepared their entire lives for the day when they kill themselves by fling themselves into their enemies.

After numerous instances of murder-by-bird across the world, the nation that brought you the Battle Royale came up with a new game show idea: toss the suicidal birds in an arena with famous Capcom characters and see what happens. It’s awesome.

2. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Capcom

The folks at New Line haven’t been willing to let a Freddy vs. Jason sequel get off the ground despite launching reboots of the two franchises that birthed it, and, of course, that meant it’s time to make a video game sequel. Unfortunately, it isn’t really financially viable to simply make a Freddy vs. Jason game, and it’s only natural to add “vs. Capcom” on the end and make a tag-team fighting game with the arenas being the nightmares of famous Capcom characters.

3. Joe vs. the Capcom

Good ol’ Joe, having survived his ordeal with the volcano, is left adrift on a raft with Meg Ryan. The two are rescued by a small fishing boat, but instead of returning them to civilization, it returns them to the volcano-island, which is now covered with lava and other dangerous things like famous Capcom characters that want to kill them. Can Joe win the battle against his inner demons and the wiles of Felicia et al.?

4.Final Fantasy XIII Versus Capcom

Between FFXIII, FFXIII-2 and FF Versus XIII, Square Enix is milking this entry in the franchise for all its worth, but it’s not exploitation to an unheard of degree for the franchise. That means there really needs to be a “one too many” entry to the XIII subfranchise, and we think Final Fantasy XIII Versus Capcom fits the bill perfectly. We haven’t made up a story for this one yet, but don’t worry; I’ll s–t one out this weekend or something.

Hopefully, I’ll remember to fish it out of the toilet before flushing.

Note: This project should be announced as “Final Fantasy XIII Versus…” for maximum confusion.

5. Plants vs. Capcom

The lazy cash-in of the “vs. Capcom” franchise, Plants vs. Capcom is exactly the same as Plants vs. Zombies except the zombie skins have been replaced with famous Capcom character skins. It’ll sell 8 million copies, I swear.

6. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Capcom

After years of trying to get funding for a Ballistic Sequel, director Kaos goes ahead and buys the IP rights from Franchise Pictures for all the money in his wallet and then decides to fund a sequel game by selling the ’88 Grand Marquis he lives in for $300 (that’s a good car to live in) and by signing an Xbox 360 exclusivity deal for $75. He got the rights to use the Capcom characters by signing a back-end deal giving Capcom 100% of all revenues. Kaos doesn’t care about money; he just wants his baby to live on.

7. Bruce Campbell vs. the Army of Capcom

This game idea comes from a computer program I designed to spit out game ideas that, if produced, would achieve maximum maximum nerdgasm. This idea was the third it gave me, after Metal Gear Bayonetta and World of Tecmo Koei: Final Mass Effect Fantasy. I don’t know what it’s about yet, but monkeys are writing the script as we speak, and everyone will love it no matter what.

8. Alien vs. Capcom

Wesker is experimenting with Aliens, and the Capcom universe isn’t happy, because if Wesker gets what he wants from his Alien research he’ll be even weirder in cutscenes, which is saying something because he’s already far too weird. Players can choose a character from Capcom’s entire lineup with which to battle xenomorphs through Wesker’s moronically designed prism-shaped research facility built under the surface of the sun. This game is available only PS3 because game theory predicts it would cause Xbox 360s to explode.

9. Capcom vs. Capcom

Ted Capcom thinks his army of famous Capcom characters give him the upper hand during a battle with his ex-wife Joanna Capcom over the custody of their son, but little did he know that Joanna had clandestinely stolen all the alternate-outfit versions of the characters, and now a routine custody battle has turned into an all-out brawl on the streets of New York.

10. Capcom v. the Board of Education

A Heavy Rain-style drama, Capcom v. the Board of Education tells the emotionally compelling story of famous Capcom characters living in Topeka, Kansas in the 1950s, fighting in the American court system in order to be allowed to attend public school with all the other kids. The rare Capcom title that has something to say about the real world (snicker snicker), Capcom v. the Board of Education will stick with you long after you put down the controller.

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