9 Vietnam-Themed Game Spinoffs
This week, Paradox and Arrowhead announced Magicka: Vietnam, which kinda destroyed my week. Not because it’s a bad idea, mind you, but because oh my god really? It’s pretty great, and it’s breaking down walls in regard to what games can and can’t be transplanted to the Vietnam War; basically, any game can now. So we came up with some pitches. Humbly:
1. Need for Speed: Vietnam
Perhaps it would have made more sense to put a Motorstorm game in Vietnam, but that’s predictable, and that’s pretty much what Pacific Rift was (minus killing, I guess). Also, there are no words to describe how amazing it would be to blast through the Viet Cong in your Lamborghini Gallardo LP 550-2 Valentino Balboni. There is literally nothing better on Earth, I think.
2. Kinectimals: Vietnam
In a gambit to try to get a higher adoption rate for Kinect amongst hardcore gamers, Microsoft rolls out Kinectimals: Vietnam. The game is identical to Kinectimals except that the cute baby tigers have been replaced with vicious, scawwy adult tigers, many of whom will have blood on their chins and various battle wounds to make them appear more friendly to mentally unstable Call of Duty players.
3. Kirby’s Vietnam Adventure
Months after Kirby’s 18th birthday, he’s drafted into the army and shipped off to fight in Vietnam. At first, Kirby thinks of this as just another of his harmless adventures, and he quickly becomes good friends with Joe, who bunks next to him at boot camp. Things get serious once they arrive in Vietnam; Joe’s neck is cut wide open by the Viet Cong, and Kirby basically starts acting like Tom Berenger from Platoon. Can Kirby regain his, uh, humanity so he can singlehandedly win the war?
4. Heavy Rain: Vietnam
Quantic Dream’s inexplicable franchise gets even more confusing and ham-fistedly dramatic as it takes its show on the road to the Vietnam War. After his family is killed in their sleep by Viet Cong, Ethan wakes up in the street with an origami figure in his hand and discovers the Origami Killer had been working with the South Asian Commies all along. So Ethan joins up with the army and ships out to fight the Reds where they live. Three-hour-long QTE-based firefights will test the skill of even the most hardened gamer.
5. Ratchet and Clank: Bros Before Ho Chi Minhs
Our pals Ratchet and Clank get yet another call for help, this time from the US government in the 1960s. They want some assistance holding back the floodgates against the Reds in Asia. R&C are all about it, and you cannot even fathom what the RYNO VI — which releases a hail of slow motion rockets and .50 caliber bullets while the theme from Platoon plays — will do to those assholes.
6. The Sims: Vietnam
This all-new full entry in the Sims franchise puts players in the shoes of some random bro or chick in a fictional North Vietnamese town that has been bombed all to living hell. In a revolutionary shift for the franchise, players will not have a house, because it’s been blown up, and the only career option is the military, because whoever heard about refugees having real jobs, right?
7. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 13: Vietnam
We all thought it was a big deal when the franchise finally went to the Masters in Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12, but the series is going somewhere far more badass in Tiger Woods 13: Vietnam! Battle Viet Cong across Vietnam’s greatest courses while trying to win the various prestigious tournaments. It’s the noblest cause anyone’s ever had for completing a game of golf.
8. Alan Wake: Vietnam
In an attempt to broaden the appeal of Alan Wake, the sequel will see Alan’s new story, Return, take him to the 1960s, where he joins a US black ops group ordered to kill Castro. Alan is then captured by the Reds and brainwashed, after which he assassinates JFK, unbeknownst to his American comrades-in-arms. He rejoins the group and fights in Vietnam before foiling a massive terror attack on the United States.
9. Your Shape: Vietnam
Even fitness games get in on the Vietnam craze! With Your Shape: Vietnam, you’ll get in shape quickly via a workout regimen we learned about from listening to our uncles talk about their experiences as soldiers and POWs during the war. The exercise doesn’t stop when you turn off your Xbox, though. Those who partake in the full Your Shape: Vietnam experience won’t eat or sleep for days at a time; with Your Shape: Vietnam, your days as a f–king fattie will be over before you know it!