Black Friday Wal-Mart Pepper Spray Assault Happened Over… Xbox, Wii?

What with their ‘incredibly powerful machines’ capable of ‘excellent graphics’ and other such allegedly superior-to-console qualities, the average PC gamer’s air of superiority might make those of you who don’t currently understand the problems with your underpowered machines feel a bit persnickety. But stem your butthurtness everyone, because while PC gamers were spending Black Friday calmly taking advantage of the latest discounted Steam downloads and passing the time with a delicious post-thanksgiving beer, console gamers were doing stupid sh*t like this:

Matthew Lopez went to the Wal-Mart in Porter Ranch on Thursday night for the Black Friday sale but instead was caught in a pepper-spray attack by a woman who authorities said was “competitive shopping.”

Yep. Someone brought pepper spray to Wal-Mart. And it wasn’t even so they could join the local police department and get their excessive-force-against-lawful-protestors on. Nope, it was for something even dumber:

The pepper-spray attack at a Porter Ranch Wal-Mart at the beginning of Black Friday shopping apparently involved shoppers waiting to purchase Xbox and Wii video games, witnesses said.

The Los Angeles Police Department is searching for a woman who allegedly used pepper spray on at least 20 people at the store in what authorities said was a deliberate attempt to get more merchandise.

Lest you think I’m a single-platform gamer, while I admit that all things being equal, people should go PC, I also thoroughly like my Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. And XBLA Black Friday deals are actually pretty sweet! Honest! On the other hand, Wii owners have to be pitied because they not only have the single worst possible device on which to play games, they have the worst array of games. Being willing to kill over them is just sad.

Seriously, this Thanksgiving, I’m especially thankful that time travel is probably impossible. Because I’d hate to be transported into the future and forced to answer the angry questions posed by incredulous future historians about why, exactly, did Americans of my era seem to consist solely of “total f*ck*ng dumbasses”. Sure, I instinctively want to say “uh-uh, we totally have plenty of awesome people!”. But then I have to admit that the same country that seems A-OK with police brutality directed against lawful protestors will literally riot over Mario Galaxy.

Oscar Wilde was right: we really are the first country that went from barbarism directly to decadence without civilization in between.

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5 Comments on Black Friday Wal-Mart Pepper Spray Assault Happened Over… Xbox, Wii?


On November 25, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Nothing beats the guy who was trampled to death at a Walmart in Long Island NY in ’08. The fact that there wasn’t a single active braincell in the mob of hundreds of adults literally breaking down the doors to save a few bucks, is beyond reproach.


On November 26, 2011 at 8:47 am

The problem with America is that it is full of Americans!!
Self richeous bastards
People are idoits; Retailers giving away stuff feeds idiocracy!!


On November 26, 2011 at 9:30 pm

They’re not even giving GOOD stuff away: Most of the stuff is promotional crap that’s overpriced and then they drop it 200 bucks to make it seem better. All of the GOOD items are usually on sale about 10-20 dollars cheaper than they are USUALLY on sale for. Nothing good is ever on sale for to much less than usual.


On November 26, 2011 at 9:59 pm

And yet when people get together in the thousands to protest Wall Street, they don’t attack each other. I remember in the 90s when people were trampling each other to get the limited edition Beanie Babies. Yeah, who feels foolish about that now?


On November 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Its WAL-MART! What did you expect?
People Of Wal-mart Song