BREAKING: PC Gaming Files for Divorce with AAA Publishers
SAN FRANCISCO — After a tumultuous marriage wrought with numerous separations, PC Gaming has officially filed for divorce with AAA Publishers.
“It was time for me to put my foot down and stand up for myself,” said PC Gaming. “I realized that I deserve better. He can’t keep mistreating me like this — he can’t keep stringing me along when I know his heart belongs to another woman.”
AAA Publishers’ passionate love affair with Console Gaming has been no secret to the public over the years. “It all started when he met his mistress,” said PC Gaming. “She was hot and young, and I guess I just didn’t do it for him anymore. But I stayed loyal to him — I knew he would come back to me one day, even though he always treated her better.” For a time, hardly a month would go by without news of AAA Publishers delaying a PC launch date past a console launch date. But infidelity was only one of many problems the couple faced.
“It was awful,” said PC Gaming, speaking of the abuse suffered throughout the relationship. “Between the neglect and the horrible things he’d say about me, it was like I didn’t even matter to him.” AAA Publishers has made headlines in the past for failing to supply promised video card drivers, poorly porting games to PC, and has even been on record as saying PC Gaming is a thieving “pirate” and “is dead to me.”
“There was just no trust in the relationship,” said PC Gaming. The public has been shocked by AAA Publishers’ implementation of aggressive DRM measures throughout the years which did more to punish honest customers than counter piracy. “He never even really got me,” PC Gaming continued, referencing an overwhelming lack of mod support. “He just didn’t know what was important to me.”
Finances were the root of most of the couple’s problems, with AAA Publishers having publicly complained on numerous occasions that PC Gaming simply didn’t bring in enough income. “I’m making a lot more money now,” said PC Gaming, speaking of recent market shifts that have resulted in the microtransaction business model rising in popularity, “and suddenly I’ve got his attention again. With the money, I’ve had some work done — I’ll admit it — and his mistress isn’t as young and fit as she used to be.” AAA Publishers has not been seen in public with Console Gaming as often as of late and has allegedly been quoted as saying “one more year,” in reference to Console Gaming’s 17-year-old sister.
But in the meantime, AAA Publishers has been seeking reconciliation with PC Gaming, lauding the platform’s processing power relative to an aging console generation. “He thinks he can just come back to me and pretend nothing ever happened. Well, sorry — not this time. He took me for granted for too long. I won’t be his Sugar Momma.”
While the divorce has yet to be finalized, PC Gaming has moved on and found new love. “I’ve met someone, and he treats me right.” The budding romance between PC Gaming and Indie Developers has caught some recent media attention, and photographers who have sighted the couple together have reported that they appear genuinely happy.
We’ve reached out to AAA Publishers for comment.