Day 4 Of The TF2 Sniper Update Presents… Oh Snap!
Someone over at Valve has a sick sense of humor.
While many TF2 Snipers were eagerly awaiting news of something that would replace his “weak ass melee weapon”, the Kukri, with something far more useful, instead they get stabbed in the back, Spy style. The image above, taken from the official Team Fortress 2 website, shows our Aussie face down with his nemesis standing next to him, mocking him in a way only a person of his seedy profession would: by smoking a cig in his victim’s honor.
The crossed out text originally reading “The Sniper Update” is instead changed to “The Spy Update”, thus revealing the shocking finality of it all. Yes, begin the Spy Updates.
Today’s update to the Team Fortress 2 website, which was, as far as we can tell, originally intended for the Sniper class, instead reveals updates for his arch-nemesis: The Spy. Irony seems to be ever present here, as yesterday’s revelation yielded the Sniper class would be getting something to finally thwart those cigarette toting backstabbing bastards. Perhaps the ensuing overzealous Sniper mobs angered the gods with their uncontrollable laughter, orgy-like celebration, and idolatry of golden calves? Or maybe Valve just couldn’t wait any longer to tell us what they have in store for their Spy class?
Read more to find out.
In any event, today’s update is presented in a classic style, back of the magazine, catalog format that, I dare say, you just don’t see anymore (yet, for some reason I hunger for Wendy’s). It seems our dear ol’ chap will be able to select amongst, in addition to the stock watch, two fashionable, yet functional, watches whilst infiltrating enemy territories and making a muck of things abroad.
The “Dead Ringer” Spy Watch gives our sneakster the ability to “feign” death, via what we can only assume as some crazy type of holographic image of his corpse projected from the watch, the instant he is injured by the enemy. The concept here is that while the watch is enabled, if our trickster is shot, the enemy sees his corpse fall, yet he isn’t really dead. So, basically, anyone foolish enough to otherwise gloat (or tea-bag) his corpse will soon be joining the act, only their face down position will not be quite so holographic. However, if our ski mask toting stealth honcho is actually dealt a killing blow by the enemy, well, then the ruse isn’t really a ruse, now is it?
The “Cloak and Dagger” Spy Watch operates just like the stock watch spies have been using all along, only it does not drain energy while standing still, cloak enabled. You still burn like a witch on a pyre though. Pyros take note.
I’ve taken liberty of transcribing from the catalog image (shown below) as Valve’s own words regarding the watch upgrades:
- The “Dead Ringer” Spy Watch
You’ve made all the right moves – conducted weeks of reconnaissance, stolen the blueprints to the safe, scaled the sheer mountain wall and penetrated deep into the heart of your enemy’s fortress in disguise. Then some mouth-breathing guard shoots you in the leg and beats you to death with your own ski mask.
No more! The moment you receive a non-lethal hit, the Dead Ringer cloaks the REAL you for up to EIGHT SECOND while creating a realistic simulacrum of your grisly and limp corpse. By the time your adversary races toward your “body” to frisk you for cash and pull gold fillings out of your mouth, you’ll already be behind him, poised for the killing blow.
The “Cloak And Dagger” Spy Watch
All historians agree that George Washington’s greatest regret was not being PERMANENTLY INVISIBLE. Now you can succeed where the man who invented America failed. Be invisible forever with the Cloak and Dagger Spy Watch!
“Liar!” owners of our classic Cloak Device may be yelling. “When I’m invisible my power is constantly draining!” Not with Cloak and Dagger. So long as you stand still, your cloak will REGENERATE INDEFINITELY. Only movement drains its power.
But attention, fans of picking up metal objects: The Cloak and Dagger is ONLY powered by standing still.
I take back my statement about “a thousand spies screaming ‘bloody hell’”.
He who laughs last cannot laugh properly at all… because he’s entirely too busy enjoying a cigarette. Chuckling will have to do…