Diablo 3 Patch Notes — From the Future


In order to bring you the latest and greatest news before anyone else, Game Front has been investing into scientific research over the past decade. We are proud to today unveil our Destiny Prognostication Engine, which we have used to look into the future and see the Diablo 3 patch notes for the next three weeks.

Here they are:

    July 10

  • In order to eliminate all quest turn-in exploits, the rewards for completing quests have been removed
  • In an effort to reduce resplendent chest farming, resplendent chests will no longer spawn
  • In order to bring their powers in line with each other, the Critical Hit Chance, Critical Hit Damage, and Increased Attack Speed affixes have been combined into a single affix: Lethality
  • Champions, Elites, and Uniques will now dynamically move 75% faster than the player
  • In order to balance the affix with life leech, life-on-hit items will now return 95% less health in Inferno
  • In order to rollback the achievements players received via bugs and exploits, all achievements have been reset. This should also encourage former players to replay the game in its entirety.
  • Enrage timers will now be named Awesome timers to promote a more positive message about them
  • Radius of Desecrator, Molten, and Plagued effects have been doubled. Because **** you, that’s why.
  • Followers will now preferentially target Treasure Goblins over other on-screen monsters
  • In order to combat botting, breaking more than three objects in a 30-second period will disconnect you from Battle.net for 10 minutes and report you to the RIAA, because you’re probably a music thief, too
  • July 17

  • In order to combat auction house bots, the gold auction house is being taken offline until patch 1.1
  • In order to reduce server load after maintenance, players who attempt to log in more than twice in five minutes will be IP banned for 30 minutes and blocked from complaining posting on the forums
  • In Inferno difficulty, the Warden will also gain the Vortex, Teleport, Arcane Enchanted, Extra Health, Fast, Frozen, Knockback, Missile Dampening, Mortar, Nightmarish, Plagued, Vampiric, and Waller affixes, in addition to Jailer, Fast, Desecrator, and Molten
  • To address complaints regarding swapping to Magic Find gear before delivering a killing blow, items can no longer spawn with the Magic Find affix. This should encourage vigilante moderation in the forums and discourage players from complaining about anything else.
  • Monsters will no longer target followers, ever
  • To encourage cooperative play, all games will now be public games. You will also always be matched with a player who is either AFK, under-geared, or Leeroy Jenkins.
  • Fixed a bug that allowed for near 24/7 server uptime. Servers will now go down every night from 1am to 8am PDT to ensure players continue to go to work and make money to spend on the RMAH.
  • Karyna, the spider cave woman, now walks 75% slower
  • Fixed a bug that allowed players to trade in-game. All trades must now take place through the auction house, as intended.
  • Pots of ashes in Act I and vases in Act IV will now exclusively drop dozens of white items
  • Maximum chat message length has been increased to accommodate gold spammers
  • July 24

  • Error message number codes will now be randomized, and an achievement has been added for finding all number codes: “To Err Is Human”
  • Tyrael no longer deals damage. He now follows behind you, shouting “JUSTICE.”
  • In order to compensate for the guaranteed rare drops on bosses when players have sufficient stacks of Nephalem Valor, all rare items now have a 95% chance of being unusable by your class
  • Fixed a bug in which player input was immediately and reliably recognized and executed. Inputs are now delayed by 2 seconds and ignored 50% of the time, as intended.
  • Zoltan Kulle now laughs 75% more often
  • Added in-game lore description of position desync bug (aka “rubberbanding”). This has been explained to be a consequence of Tyrael destroying the Worldstone in Diablo II.
  • Fixed a bug that allowed players to have other games installed on their hard drives
  • The Templar is now 65% more glorious
  • Fixed several gold and leveling exploits. Players can no longer earn gold or XP.
  • Kiting was an unintended game mechanic. Players will now be unable to move for 1 second after attacking.
  • Soul Rippers and Soul Lashers no longer move faster than other creatures. Instead, they instantly blink to players from up to three screens away. This effect has no cooldown.
  • $25 will automatically be deducted from your Battle.net balance if you don’t use the RMAH for a week. If your Battle.net balance is empty, your account password will be given to gold thieves.

Looks like Blizzard has really responded to player feedback and is changing the game for the better. What else would you like to see in upcoming patch notes?

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6 Comments on Diablo 3 Patch Notes — From the Future

Ikari

On July 4, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Those really are spot on, just what they would to to.

Terr

On July 4, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Best troll patch notes I’ve seen yet! If the title had been “OFFICIAL PATCH NOTES”, I would’ve almost believed you!

Row

On July 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

“In order to eliminate all quest turn-in exploits, the rewards for completing quests have been removed”
Quest rewards are pretty bad in Inferno. I miss D2-style rewards – socketing, skill points, stat points, life, imbuing, hellforge… The way the quest system is set up in D3, with them being repeatable at will, makes such good rewards impossible.

“In order to balance the affix with life leech, life-on-hit items will now return 95% less health in Inferno”
I think they said they planned life leech % to become useful once people start getting 100k+ DPS.

“Enrage timers will now be named Awesome timers to promote a more positive message about them”
Those are pretty much a big FU to the player =/

“Monsters will no longer target followers, ever”
I think that’s actually part of the AI. I haven’t noticed whether they target the follower less in Inferno than in other modes, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

“Karyna, the spider cave woman, now walks 75% slower”
Yeah lol what’s up with that… Maybe her legs are stiff because of the venom, or something.

“The Templar is now 65% more glorious”
That’s one thing they got right; follower dialogues crack me up, especially his.

Axetwin

On July 4, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Wow you guys totally had me until here:
” Enrage timers will now be named Awesome timers to promote a more positive message about them”.

To which I was like…….”wait…what?” O.o

@Row, dude, these arent serious patch notes.

gasmaskangel

On July 4, 2012 at 10:49 pm

For the love of God please don’t give them ideas. I might actually want to play the game again one of these days.

N3lson

On July 5, 2012 at 4:23 am

•In Inferno difficulty, the Warden will also gain the Vortex, Teleport, Arcane Enchanted, Extra Health, Fast, Frozen, Knockback, Missile Dampening, Mortar, Nightmarish, Plagued, Vampiric, and Waller affixes, in addition to Jailer, Fast, Desecrator, and Molten

That’s a relief, I heard he was getting “horde” too