Duke Nukem Balls of Steel Edition Is Actually Balls-Free

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There’s a reason the big franchises give the mega-super-fellatio editions of their games names like “Legendary” and “Prestige”; those are vague ideas, and they don’t tell you anything about what’s in the box (!) as to prevent disappointment when you open it only to find the Master Chief helmet is too small even to fit on your cat.

And while the folks who decided the name for the Duke Nuke Forever Balls of Steel Edition probably thought they were using a similar naming convention to those special edition titles above, what with the testicles in question belonging to Duke and “balls of steel” being a compliment to his testicular fortitude, just as Master Chief is a “legendary” soldier and obsessive Call of Duty players earn the least prestigious “prestige” available in this life.

Unfortunately, “balls of steel” is both a metaphor and a real thing, and so it’s annoying to take a look at what’s in the Balls of Steel Edition of Duke Nukem Forever and not find balls of any kind, much less of steel. Come on, 2K, you couldn’t even give us a pair of shiny balls to hang from our rearview mirrors?

Whatever. Here’s the balls-free list of things in the pack.

Collectible bust of the greatest alien ass-kicker of all-time
Numbered, limited-edition certificate of authenticity
100-page hardcover book: The History, Legacy & Legend: Duke Nukem Forever Art from the Vault
Duke Nukem Forever postcard series
Duke Nukem Forever radioactive emblem sticker
Duke Nukem Forever collectable comic book
Duke Nukem Forever foldable paper craft
Duke Nukem Forever poker chips
Duke Nukem Forever mini-card deck
Duke Nukem Forever radioactive emblem dice

All that goofy s–t and not balls. This will only be available from GameStop and Amazon, and it’ll cost $99.99, which is a lot of money for a box with no balls. The game is out May 3.

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