For Obama’s Birthday: 5 PC Games Guaranteed To Improve His Presidency
Little known fact: Becoming President does not actually entitle you to physical immortality! Just like every other American, Presidents get old too, for instance President Obama, who apparently turned 50 today. People are rushing to offer well wishes or condemnations, as their political affiliations dictate but the subject on everyone’s mind is how much gray hair he has. Seriously!
And no wonder! One of the hardest things about being President of these United States is that it’s like a million different kinds of hard work. Resource management. Diplomacy. Religious squabbles. Corporate oversight. Wars.
Folding like a cheap deck chair the second people are mean to you Negotiating with intractable political opponents. All part of a day’s work when your employees address you as ‘Mr. President’. It can all get so overwhelming!
We at GameFront aren’t unsympathetic to the rigors of a 24/7/364* job, so for Barack’s birthday, we’re giving him the greatest gift of all: unsolicited advice. 5 PC Games Guaranteed to Improve Obama’s Presidency.
5) StarCraft 2
Obama’s State of the Union Address urged us to ‘win the future’. And what better way to win the future than to ruthlessly colonize the stars and destroy our enemies? By playing StarCraft 2, Obama could develop valuable skills like terraforming hostile environments, allocating vital resources to troops in the field and of course, learning how to drop pithy, worldweary commentary on every success or setback. Best of all? He could assign the NSA to gather valuable intel on Battle.net and apply their findings to management of the National Treasury.
4) Total War: Shogun 2
Worried that in these tough economic times, our allies in the far east might finally get the jump on us, financially speaking? Fear not, Mr. President. By spending countless hours playing the turn-based strategy game based on James Clavell’s classic novel, Obama will not only be able to claim he’s read the book (important for smalltalk at diplomatic functions!), he’ll get valuable insight into the pre-modern culture of one of our most important trading partners. Sure, Japan of 2011 is absolutely nothing like the Japan of 1600, and Feudal Japan was definitely not turn-based. But you know how flattered the Tea Party gets when you talk to them about Jefferson? I’m pretty sure the Japanese feel the same way when you mention the Tokugawa Shogunate.
3) Sim City 2000
Everyone knows Obama began his political career as a community organizer. But he then skipped city governance in favor of state and then national legislative politics. Unfortunately, he’s going to need something to do after his presidency is over and ‘Mayor of Anycity, USA’ has a nice ring to it. Why not get in some city-managing practice now by playing this mid-90s PC classic. Sim City 2000 teaches you to develop infrastructure, encourage business investment, eventually get fusion! Everything a former President/future Mayor would need to effectively govern at the city level.
WARNING: Unfortunately, the ‘fund’ cheat doesn’t work in real life. We suggest the ‘Large Donor’ code.
2) Duke Nukem Forever
One of the problems faced by Centrist presidents of either party is the accusation that they have no spine. But Duke? That guy won’t compromise on iPod privileges on a road trip. If Obama wants to know how to come off like a total jerk and still win in the end, 15 hours with Duke Nukem Forever is just the thing. Yes, Duke Nukem Forever is a terrible game and Duke is a terrible person. But sometimes you need to learn the art of the one-liner. Gotta admit that “I’m looking for some alien toilet to park my bricks… Who’s first?” sounds a lot better than “Win the future”.
1) Civilization IV
The ultimate leader-in-training game, Civ IV has everything: spreading religions, encouraging foreign investment, managing weird out-of-nowhere wars and of course, learning to spend 24 hours staring at a computer without realizing you haven’t slept. Best of all? You can play as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington or FDR! Nothing shuts up your critics like asking ‘So why do you hate George Washington?’
*Christmas day off, yo!