In Honor Of ‘Carmageddon’: The 5 Best Violent Car Games

Oh man, Los Angeles is so screwed this weekend. Already home to the worst traffic in America, this weekend the city’s government is about to totally make everything worse by shutting down a huge section of the 405 freeway – between the 101 and 10 freeways (that’s a 10-mile stretch) – for long-needed repairs. They’re calling this impending catastrophe ‘Carmageddo’n, not only because 405 happens to be the busiest highway in America, and that section happens to be the busiest part, but because everyone in LA will be dying to brutally murder each other with their cars. It’s going to be terrifying awesome super awesome.

If you’ve ever needed a reason to feel smug for having decided not to move to LA, now’s your chance. And while you’re at it, why not stick the knife in by doing what Angelenos can’t – driving really fast -while doing what they wish they could do – killing one another. Here it is, in honor of carmageddon: the 5 best violent car games.

5) Twisted Metal (1995)

1995′s Twisted Metal proved that Cars are violent, bloody-minded killing machines bent on destroying you, your family and your entire community. Which is a lot like LA on a weekend. If you find yourself on the 110 South, be sure to pack a gun.

4) Death Race (1976)

When it was released into arcades in 76, Death Race provoked the world’s first parental/media freak out about violent gaming. The orgy of OH MY GOD CONTROVERSY ENCOURAGING VIOLENCE wouldn’t be rivaled in intensity or stupidity until the release of the OG GTA, which is weird because Death Race is nothing but ugly, nondescript blocks. If your kids are inspired to violence from that, you need to upgrade your parenting software.

The point? Drive your car into pedestrians. That’s it. And this weekend, it’s going to be SOP for disgruntled LA Drivers stuck on the 10 Freeway.

3) Motorstorm

Motorstorm was acclaimed for its excellent physics and graphics, but what stands out, 10 years later, is the insanely graphic vehicle destruction and player deaths animations. Seriously, look at the poor bastard fly at approximately :26. If you were like me, guaranteed you spent more time crashing your cars just to see how awful your character’s fate was going to be than you did actually racing. Which brings us to an important lesson for this weekend: Every single driver in LA is secretly hoping every other driver does just that. You’ve been warned.

2) Carmageddon (1997)

“BONUS POINTS FOR ARTISTIC EXPRESSION!”. Nothing sums up the original Carmageddon’s delicious lack of redeeming value like that hilarious bonus you get for ramming a hapless pedestrian into a cliff wall. And Carmageddon is non stop moments like that, which is makes it the perfect namesake for LA’s impending traffic disaster. The only thing that keeps it from being number one on this list? In Los Angeles, no one ever receives bonus points for artistic expression.

1) The Mario Kart Series

Aaaand at number one, it’s a series that features eerie, perpetually young cartoon characters racing at high speeds through populated areas, without heed to traffic law, all of whom cheat blatantly, often trying to kill their opponents outright. Yes, nothing more perfectly describes driving in LA like Mario Kart. Which is why this weekend, we’re almost certain Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s will be sold out of turtle shells and mushrooms, and there’s going to be an epidemic of fireworks-related car-on-car violence. Our advice? Stock up on seeker shells and stay inside at all costs.

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3 Comments on In Honor Of ‘Carmageddon’: The 5 Best Violent Car Games

Phil Hornshaw

On July 13, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Aw, no Burnout?! The whole game is about crashing into things!

Geoff

On July 13, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Thank you for leaving out Interstate ’76, Roadkill, Auto Assault, Post-Apocalyptic Mayhem, Blood Drive, Crasher, Burnout, Jak X, and all the other unloved car combat games throughout the years. Because we all need to play more Twisted Madden.

Mario Kart? Really?

Ross Lincoln

On July 13, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Slight amount of irony intended.

And shouldn’t I have gotten some props for including death race?