(LIST) 10 Game-ified ‘Chick’ Flicks

Never let it be said we’re not suckers for a good love story, even if it’s prepackaged in the same formulaic dreck every year. It’s Valentine’s day weekend y’all, and even we are willing to admit you’re more likely to get some action in a dark theater than at home trying to pry the controller out of your signicant other’s hand. Which is why we’re scambling to make reservations, buy flowers, pretend to be romantic and generally try not to feel cheesy celebrating the alleged holiday like everyone else.

Even Hollywood gets in on the fun, cynically aming a plethora of ‘chick flicks’ of dubious quality hoping to make up for last summer’s failed blockbuster on the backs of women consumers. Only video game sales are totally kicking movie sales’ ass these days, and better still, women aren’t the suckers hollywood takes them for; they make up 40% of all gamers, which means Hollywood is kind of screwed, since even the Valentine’s Day chick flick ghetto can’t make up the slack.

Want to get gamers off the couch and into the theaters for V-Day? We have the answer. Here are 10 Gamer-ified Chick-Flicks guaranteed to make this Valentine’s the most romantic blood bath ever.

Sense and Singularity

Tagline: Lose your heart in the middle of an artifical black hole.

It’s the early 19th century, when women were coy and men died from consumption. In this touching historical drama, the two Dashwood sisters find themselves in dire financial straits when their father is killed by time traveling Russian soldiers from the year 2010. Now Elinor and Marianne must join forces with a reluctant scientist to stop an artificial black hole from destroying Regency England. Alan Rickman co-stars as a dashing British colonel who vows to carve out the black hole’s heart with a spoon. Trying to navigate the pitfalls of love and adulthood against the backdrop of the British Empire’s peak was never so Romantic.

Silent Notting Hill

Tagline: Can the most famous film star in the world fall for just an ordinary meat processer?

When central London descends into madness after the onset of a mysterious supernatural plague, an A-List American Actress must team up with the ghost of a murdered travel books shop owner to find out what happened. Can their burgeononing love affair withstand the likelihood that he is a hallucination brought on by having seen his mangled, rotting corpse impaled on a Hyde Park gate? It’s Hollywood meets Hellfire in the delightfully charming psychological thriller from Richard Curtis.

LittleBig Women

Tagline: Play, Create and Share the unforgettable story of these… LittleBig Women.

Louisa May Alcott’s classic Civil War Era coming-of-age tale of puppets who build platformers. Wynona Ryder stars as the LittleBiggest Woman of all as she searches the entire PlayStation Network to discover who keeps making racist Abraham Lincoln levels. Rated PG 13.

Brotherhood Of The Traveling Power Armor Pants

Tagline: Laugh. Cry. Share The Bloodshed.

In this empowering film based on the classic young Womens’ Book Alas, Babylon, four best friends from Vault 109 find themselves at the cusp of adulthood. Apart from one another for the first time, they discover their freindship symbolized in the powered armor combat pants that, despite the fact that radiation has varied their physiques wildly, miraculously fits all of them perfectly. As they navigate the perils of adulthood, first love and nuclear wastes, they’ll discover that the only thing more certain than a rain of bullets to slaughter mutant warriors is the power of friendship.

Red Steel Magnolias

Tagline: The funniest movie ever to make you die.

This beloved action comedy about 5 lifelong friends who vow to avenge the death of one of their own has enthralled audiances for more than 20 years. Dolly Parton, Sally Field, Shirley Maclaine, Daryl Hannah and Olympia Dukakis star in this thrilling story of revenge set in the Yakuza-dominated underbelly of Shreveport, Louisiana. When young Shelby dies from apparent diabetic complications, the police consider it an open and shut case. But these 5 sassy Southern women know it was poison. On a quest to settle an old score, they’ll rain death, destruction and delicious sugar pies upon their enemies. They might be delicate as magnolias, but mess with one of their own, and they’ll be as tough as steel.

How Stella Got Her Gears Back

Tagline: Sometimes you need a chainsaw to find your inner self.

While on vacation in the Carribean, best selling author Terry McMillan is witness to the sudden and unprovoked attack by mankind’s ancient enemies, the subterranean Locusts. Now, with only a handsome cabana boy at her side, she must discover a strength she didn’t know she had, fight her way back to Self-Empowerment, and find true love.

Bridget Jones’s Dev Diary

Tagline: Every developer keeps score; And then posts it to the Internet.

Almost everyone has played the best selling Bridget Jones series of RPG-Platformers for Playstation 2. Now, in a series of candid interviews with legendary game developer Helen Fielding, fans can get the inside track into the creation of this hugely influential series. Includes interviews with close friends Tim Schafer and Peter Molyneux, and narration by actors Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.

Along Came Polygon

Tagline: Remember when Text-based adventures were awesome?

It’s the early 80s, and Ben Stiller is an Infocom programmer working on another installment of the Zork series of text-based adventures. Everything in his life is precisely arranged, until a trip to the Japanses headquarters of a playing card manufacturer convinces him that his well-ordered life is anything but non-graphic. He’ll spend the next 20 years coming to grips with increasing technological advances that render his only skill set redundant. Can he learn to love GUI? With the help of a free spirited fractal swarm, he just might!

How To Win A JRPG In 10 Days

Tagline: One of them is boring. So is the other.

When Lightning (Kate Hudson) is tasked by her magazine editor to explain to their readers just how the hell JRPGs are supposed to be fun, she’s stumped. That is, until she meets Sazh Katzroy (Matthew McConaughey) and realizes the answer is a listacle. And thus begins her ten-day 0dyssey to prove that it’s really, truly possible to enjoy Japanese RPGs. But what happens when what starts as a cynical moneymaking scheme turns into an enjoyable gameplay experience? Find out when you learn How To Win A JRPG in 10 Days.

Thelma And Luigi

Tagline: Somebody said get a 1Up… so they did.

Strong willed and independent, Thelma lives life according to her own terms. But when she forms an unlikely friendship with a junior plumber in need of some self esteem, her life is changed forever. After the accidental smashing of a goomba, they find themselves on the run from the Koopa army with nothing but a dilapidated Kart Racer… and each other. Together, Thelma and Luigi learn that getting extra lives is the greatest adventure of all.

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1 Comment on (LIST) 10 Game-ified ‘Chick’ Flicks

Matt

On February 11, 2011 at 5:55 pm

LOL