Posted on December 26, 2007,

Memoirs of a (Former?) Aperture Science Employee

Aperture Science Desk


[Editor's Note: The following memoir is one of pure fantasy and is merely a humble attempt at fan-fiction inspired by Valve's most excellent game, Portal. In fact, the inspiration to write such a fictional memoir from the perspective of an Aperture Science Employee came directly from www.aperturescience.com. If you haven't been treated to what's been placed there as of late, I suggest you do so. So without further ado...]

Aperture Science Employee #424 Log Transcript:

Date: <Insert Date Here>
Time: <Insert Time Here>

As I sit here in my cubicle staring at the computer display in front relaying data for our latest test subject, <Insert Name Here>, I find myself longing to be home among family. Diverting my focus temporarily to my immediate left, I grab a red marker from my desk drawer and proceed to cross out yet another day on my Theoretical Physicists of Today calendar pinned firmly against the cubicle wall. “Hmm….”, I mumble to myself, “Christmas is just a few days away.”

You see, it seems our esteemed acting director, Gladys (or so they tell me that’s her name), here at Aperture Science has decided in her infinite wisdom that “the science must get done”. Despite my grievances and countless emails sent to various supervisors here at the lab (of whom, oddly enough, I haven’t spoken to in the past few weeks), I have succeeded only in gaining the attention of more paperwork. Indeed, any time I make mention of a holiday break or vacation, I am greeted with more forms to fill out. To make matters worse, these forms have progressively started to present questions that strike me as rather odd. Questions such as “”What is your favorite color?”, “What is your favorite food?”, and more strangely, “Do you feel sorry when you lie?” I am regretting to have never brought up the subject of holiday vacation during my interview for this position (strange that it was never mentioned in the first place). I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to work here at Aperture Science ever since Black Mesa Research turned down my application.

*ding*

What’s this? An email sent to me from the director herself? What could this possibly be? Even more interesting is the email’s subject:

“Aperture Science Wishes <Insert Employee Name Here> a Merry <Insert Holiday Here>”

Ahh. Perhaps the director finally took notice of my countless queries and suggestions as of late. Perhaps she has found it in her heart to grant Aperture Science’s hard working employees temporary leave so we may partake in holiday festivities with our loved ones. Sadly, it has been months since I’ve had any contact with the outside world (total blackout would be an understatement here). I had good insight that research here at Aperture Science was extremely top-secret; however, competition between Black Mesa Research must be far more fierce that I initially thought. Things have been getting way too serious and secretive as of late. I hate being kept in the dark.

I’m beginning to fear that perhaps I may be out of a job here soon. I’ve noticed our sectional employee count as of late has been severely diminished. Is this why I haven’t spoken directly with my supervisors as of late? Has Aperture Science’s budget gotten so bad that they are now initiating secretive lay-offs of employees? Avoiding a face-to-face confrontation is the only logical explanation I can come up with for their absence. Ho-hum. I would do best by continuing to shut my mouth – focus on the job. Perhaps this is the very reason why I have lasted this long? Anyway, time to discover what this email is all about….

*click*

Hmm. This isn’t the email response I was expecting. Drat! It looks like I will be working through the holiday after all. This director is extremely adamant about getting all this work done. When does it end though?

To: <Insert Employee Name Here>
From: Aperture Science Acting Director
Subject: Aperture Science Wishes <Insert Employee Name Here> a Merry <Insert Holiday Here>
 
The Aperture Science Portal Testing Division would like to thank <Insert Employee Name Here> for the hard work work work and prrrrrroduction you have contributed. We understand that you feel you deserve a break of some kind. However, recall the motto/creed each Aperture employee represents: “We do what we must, because we can.” Certainly you can understand the imperative need for the science here to get done. If we fall behind, then what?
 
To further show our appreciation, we have attached an electronic greeting card for you:
 
<Click Here to View Attachment>
 
We hope this small token of our appreciation will liven up your spirits. If you are still angr…jY8P4$gvSg%643@11!!!
 
Accept our apologies. If you are still showing signs of distress because of our continued denial of your request for leave of absence, then perhaps it will please you to know that we are preparing CAKE for your consumption. CAKE is yet another small token of our appreciation for your work. We’ve found CAKE to be a wonderful solution for our depressed and distressed employees. In fact, CAKE has worked so well that we are considering it as motivational tool for test subjects in the Enrichment Center. Imagine their delight to find CAKE as a reward for their cooperation!

    Best Holiday Wishes,

    Aperture Science, Inc. Acting Director

Well, at least this is response. Certainly better than no response at all. I hope my family will understand my situation here. I despise this communication blackout. The work we do here is certainly amazing, but the work ethic…. I don’t know. I’m now debating whether I should send in my resignation or not.

You know what? That cake sure looks and sounds tasty. Maybe I’ll seek that out in a bit…

[End Log]

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3 Comments on Memoirs of a (Former?) Aperture Science Employee

erik

On May 23, 2008 at 9:32 pm

type login then portal for paas and login then dir then type continue if you want to apply for aperture science

No-one

On July 9, 2008 at 11:37 am

What is this [...] [...] all about?

James

On August 29, 2008 at 8:59 pm

Hmmm… Good, but it’s not done. More needs to be added.