Missile Command: The Movie Is Not Something We Just Made Up

Yesterday, Variety reported that the least justifiable movie idea ever is actually happening;

Atari has set up its “Missile Command” at 20th Century Fox.
Burk Sharpless and Matt Sazama are set to adapt the 1980s arcade game that Peter Chernin and Dylan Clark will produce through Chernin Entertainment.

No, that is not a lie. Someone actually thinks that the public is screaming for Missile Command: The movie. The film adaptation of a game no one who wasn’t alive during the Reagan years has ever played. Amazing. But what an ambitious idea, right? Why, they’ll have to spend millions hiring the right screenwriter to take the action packed, epic story of this classic game and translate it to the screen without losing the essence of what makes people care so much about it.

With “Missile Command,” the scribes have little to adapt beyond a title to build a plot around and a Cold War-heavy scenario of players having to defend their cities from being destroyed by a rain of missiles.

Oh, right. Well, win-win, right?

Look, Atari, this is a terrible idea. No one is going to watch this movie. No one. Gamers who remember this game fondly? They are mocking you. People who haven’t heard of this game? THEY OWN CELL PHONES MORE IMPRESSIVE. You are going to take a bath on this, which leads us to conclude this is either a hoax or a tax write off of epic proportions, or… Atari has been inherited by an an insane, inbred, booze addled member of the Spanish Hapsburgs, he has killed off all rivals, and that there is absolutely no one left in the company with the power to tell him no!

Assuming the Hapsburg theory is correct, since they’re clearly throwing money at dumb awesome ideas, why don’t I take a moment to offer mine:

It’s 1980, and a tired, Jolt Cola sotted Air Force technician is in the command center of an isolated, midwestern Nuclear Missile silo, alone. There is nothing to do, ever, so he passes the time playing Pong, Tank, or Donkey Kong on a dusty Atari console. Cast one live actor and hire Gary Cole to voice the computer system. Soundtrack by a reformed J. Geils band. It’s Hollywood gold, baby!

I’m not just saying this because I want to grift go into business with an obscenely wealthy incompetant. I guarantee it’s better than whatever hackneyed BS is currently being shat into existence by a coked out studio hack in Burbank. Plus, I’m cheap. You want to spend millions on this? Or mere thousands? I think you know the answer. Missle Command: The Movie. By Ross Lincoln. Movie Magic. Call me, OK?

Via Flixist.

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