PAX 2010: Hands on With Duke Nukem Forever – Seriously

I have played Duke Nukem Forever.

The demo opens with Duke looking down at a urinal. There is a prompt on the screen that says, “RT – Piss.” (I played it on Xbox 360.) So I hold down the right trigger, and Duke pisses and sighs. And pisses. And pisses. When he finally finishes, Duke and I leave the bathroom, and I discover we’re in a professional football team’s locker room. The team: the Detonators. Appropriate.

Scattered around the room are policeman. Some of them are alive. Some of them can walk, even. See, the aliens are still around, and they’re still killing everyone. The ones who can walk are discussing a plan for taking down a giant alien that’s hanging out on the football field, and they’ve written the plan on the whiteboard. He asks if Duke has anything to add. We walk over the whiteboard, pick up a marker and start drawing squiggles all over it. We step away, satisfied. The policeman is suitably impressed, telling us that our addition to the plan is brilliant, even though he doesn’t understand it at all, and that he’s sure that fella on the ground over there would still have his leg and both his balls if he were as smart as we are.

It’s time to put my carefully thought-out plan into action. That means we go get the giant gun with the exploding shells and head out onto the field to fight the giant alien. Which we do. And then a couple blond ladies blow Duke.

Next we move to the desert, where we drive a truck and run over pig-faced aliens. And then the truck runs out of gas, so we get out and started exploding pig-faced aliens with our shotgun. And then we start shrinking pig-faced aliens with a shrink ray before exploding them with the shotgun. Tiiiiiiiiiiight.

And that about sums up my Duke Nukem Forever experience. The gameplay itself is pretty standard for a first-person shooter, and it handles neither exceptionally nor badly. No, the reason this game is awesome is because of the other stuff; in other words, the gameplay serves to move you from awesome pissing scene to awesome quip by Duke to awesome violent thing Duke does to aliens. And trust me, if the “other stuff” is as f**king awesome in the rest of the game as it is in the demo I played, then this one will certainly be worth a purchase and a drunken marathon playthrough.

Also: holy s**t I played Duke Nukem Forever. I mean, I actually played it. It exists. My goodness.

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16 Comments on PAX 2010: Hands on With Duke Nukem Forever – Seriously

Steve

On September 4, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Just thought i’d point out that the game was running on PC with an Xbox 360 controller.

Heru

On September 5, 2010 at 10:14 am

Duke Nukem Forever?! Its a sign of the apocalypse i tell ya!

Indiana Jones

On September 5, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Wow. This is seriously a published preview? I am astounded at your ability to navigate the English language. This seemingly random collection of words, strewn together and only relieved by a period, tell me all about this game.

‘Scattered around the room are policeman.’ Did you even read this before you regurgitated this online?

Phil Owen

On September 5, 2010 at 7:14 pm

I’m better at words than you are, Indiana.

Phil Owen

On September 5, 2010 at 7:20 pm

Hey, Indiana: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness_(narrative_mode)

Phil Owen

On September 5, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I just hope you learned something today, son.

Indiana Jones

On September 5, 2010 at 9:31 pm

I learnt you’re a . :)

Phil Owen

On September 5, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Aww, I thought we were just starting to bond, bruh.

Plato

On September 5, 2010 at 9:53 pm

It appears poor Mr. Owen can’t handle criticism.

You are SO enlightened, Mr. Owen.

Indiana Jones

On September 5, 2010 at 9:56 pm

I learned that the school system has failed us.

Indiana Jones

On September 5, 2010 at 10:01 pm

We are bonding. I like to s. (Nomnomnom)

Plato

On September 5, 2010 at 10:06 pm

I learned that pompous little s can reference narrative modes used by TALENTED writers as a cop out for poor writing skills and that even a chimpanzee can search google.

Mr. Owen, It appears we’ve learned something. Can you learn to write coherently?

corpse

On September 5, 2010 at 10:06 pm

sounds like a bad joke, I’ll believe it when I see a trailer or some type of game play footage, but for now hope sounds good for duke fans, cause they are behind the times with doom. I have kind of liked the duke series but I still feel doom is better cause it seemed easier to get into the world of doom than it was with duke. Plus I just love doom cause I have played that more than duke nukem and the game was alright, I did like it for the playstation (I’m typing about the first person one but I did like the 3rd person one also, sorry guys don’t remember the names of the games)but I never finished it, but the game was fun. duke nukem is not as fun as doom is in my opinion, I guess I just like the horror of the doom world better than some weird and wacky looking aliens attacking earth and throwing money at strippers…that game was very weird.

UtopiaV1

On September 6, 2010 at 10:44 am

I… can’t… BELIEVE you got to play Duke Nukem Forever. Got any vids, pics or anything? Seriously! Cos i need proof! :)

Wow Phil, if you did get to play it, you’re a god amongst geeks. Let me do your job for like 5 minutes and i’ll die happy. I remember watching the trailers for this game over a decade ago, in the dark late at night (was only 13, didn’t want my parents to see, obviously. They really didn’t approve of the first game!)

Lando

On September 7, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I learned that there are people in this world who can be offended by sentence structure in an online review of DUKE NUKEM!!!

Blah

On September 7, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Theres no strippers, boobs, or anything good about this game. It’s borderlands Duke Nukem Style. FAIL.