PAX 2010: Hands on With Duke Nukem Forever – Seriously
I have played Duke Nukem Forever.
The demo opens with Duke looking down at a urinal. There is a prompt on the screen that says, “RT – Piss.” (I played it on Xbox 360.) So I hold down the right trigger, and Duke pisses and sighs. And pisses. And pisses. When he finally finishes, Duke and I leave the bathroom, and I discover we’re in a professional football team’s locker room. The team: the Detonators. Appropriate.
Scattered around the room are policeman. Some of them are alive. Some of them can walk, even. See, the aliens are still around, and they’re still killing everyone. The ones who can walk are discussing a plan for taking down a giant alien that’s hanging out on the football field, and they’ve written the plan on the whiteboard. He asks if Duke has anything to add. We walk over the whiteboard, pick up a marker and start drawing squiggles all over it. We step away, satisfied. The policeman is suitably impressed, telling us that our addition to the plan is brilliant, even though he doesn’t understand it at all, and that he’s sure that fella on the ground over there would still have his leg and both his balls if he were as smart as we are.
It’s time to put my carefully thought-out plan into action. That means we go get the giant gun with the exploding shells and head out onto the field to fight the giant alien. Which we do. And then a couple blond ladies blow Duke.
Next we move to the desert, where we drive a truck and run over pig-faced aliens. And then the truck runs out of gas, so we get out and started exploding pig-faced aliens with our shotgun. And then we start shrinking pig-faced aliens with a shrink ray before exploding them with the shotgun. Tiiiiiiiiiiight.
And that about sums up my Duke Nukem Forever experience. The gameplay itself is pretty standard for a first-person shooter, and it handles neither exceptionally nor badly. No, the reason this game is awesome is because of the other stuff; in other words, the gameplay serves to move you from awesome pissing scene to awesome quip by Duke to awesome violent thing Duke does to aliens. And trust me, if the “other stuff” is as f**king awesome in the rest of the game as it is in the demo I played, then this one will certainly be worth a purchase and a drunken marathon playthrough.
Also: holy s**t I played Duke Nukem Forever. I mean, I actually played it. It exists. My goodness.