Rockstar’s GTA V Epsilon Twitter Feed Is Active Again

Brace yourself, everyone. In what might be the first hint of a new marketing push for Grand Theft Auto V, the Twitter account for Rockstar Games’ Epsilon Program cult became active again earlier this morning after nearly five months without so much as a peep.

A series of tweets alluded to the resolution of an ongoing court case in the cult’s favor, with Epsilonism Today vowing “We will be suing someone,” and promising further that “a real chance to learn the truth” is coming, “just as soon as we can finish it.”

At this point we have nothing but speculation, so let’s speculate, shall we? The Twitter account was last active for several months leading up to last October’s second GTA V trailer; it went dark around Thanksgiving. The resumption of activity could simply be the account’s manager finally becoming inspired to write some new jokes, but given how tight Rockstar’s marketing team tends to be, and considering E3 is now less than two months away, it probably isn’t a bad bet to assume a new trailer is incoming.

The first trailer introduced the game’s themes, while trailer number 2 showcased its three protagonists. The promise that Epsilon truths are inbound leads me to guess we’re going to see a wider look at the world of GTA V in some form, and that includes one of the best of the GTA series’ long-running jokes, the Epsilon Cult.

What Is Epsilon?

First introduced on radio stations in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Epsilon is a blistering parody of America’s history of spawning new religions, with particular emphasis on Scientology. Tenets of Epsilon beliefs nod to Mormonism and Anton LaVey’s Church of Satan, but the biggest target is L. Ron Hubbard’s religious enterprise. Over the course of San Andreas, and via stray dialogue in Vice City Stories and GTA IV, Scientology’s controversial reputation as a means of siphoning off the wealth of credulous celebrities, its purported science-fictional mythology, and its highly litigious behavior are all mocked.

In San Andreas, cult founder Cris Formage appears on fictional DJ and GTA series-Stalwart Lazlow’s WCTR show, describing Epsilon thusly: “Epsilon is a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges. Everything is entirely voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up.” The cult is presented as wholly anti-science, pro-sexual exploitation, and openly devoted to bilking followers of their money. These ideas are expressed hilariously in the cult’s twelve tenets:

    * The world is 157 years old.
    * Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak.
    * You are happy, you just don’t know it.
    * We all come from the same tree.
    * Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair.
    * Sperm does not exist – it is a lie spread by biology teachers – along with everything else you have ever been told.
    * Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day.
    * Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm.
    * Trees talk, but only some people hear them.
    * People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure.
    * If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed.

KIFFLOM, by the way, is the cult’s god, a reference to Scientology’s rumored* adversary Xenu.

Here’s an interview with Scientology Epsilon founder Cris Formage.

See more at the cult’s official site.

Related: New GTA V Details: Gigantic, Ambitious, Crazy-Sounding

* Cough cough.

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1 Comment on Rockstar’s GTA V Epsilon Twitter Feed Is Active Again


On April 20, 2013 at 3:35 pm

When people say Saints Row is funnier than GTA, I laugh.
It’s balls to the wall humour compared to social commentary.