Posted on May 12, 2009,

TF2 Sniper Update Madness Begins

TF2 Sniper Update

(cue Billy Mays’ voice)

Are you sick and tired of consistently missing those headshots only to get raped a few seconds later by an overreacting wounded pigeon? After failing to raid an enemy base, do your fellow <insert color here> teammates bitch at you for never helping them out? Tired of being labeled “useless”, “camper”, “frag stealer”, “frag whore” and any other insulting combination without proof to the contrary? How about simply the dire need to redecorate that drab wall you keep staring at 99% of the time?

Have no fear, the Huntsman is here!

With a simple pluck of the bowstring, you can literally paint that faux town red (or blue, or whatever color those wankers bleed). Show off your interior decorating skills by (re)arranging your recently obtained trophies as artistic decor. These arrows are strong enough to hold up even the fattest of bodies (cue image of HWG with an arrow in his head dangling like a rag doll above a lonely Natascha).

Give fleeing prey something else to fear other than your teeny-tiny laser dot. Quite simply, nothing puts fear into an advancing team like witnessing a battlefield of corpses riddled with toothpicks.

After all, it’s not your fault you didn’t die along with your fellow teammates on some silly suicide run. Now you can prove that you are indeed a contribution to their so-called “teamwork”. Survival? Smart money’s on the guy who isn’t near sighted. “How’s the view from up there, wanker?”

And if that heavy-medic combo just WILL NOT DIE, you can at least put a few dozen arrows into them and yell out “porcupine!”

Call today and we’ll throw in a free… just pay processing… etc… blah blah…

(back to our scheduled program…)

All silliness aside, Valve are unveiling updates to the sniper class for its slapstick themed first person shooter Team Fortress 2. Much like previous updates, Valve will be revealing info on the Sniper update on a daily basis prior to releasing it. You can follow the updates this week as they unfold here.

I like Valve’s simple cold logic of how the new bow functions: “You will shoot them and they will stick to the wall and die.”

Now we have yet another reason to hate the sniper class, aka Robin Hood, Prince of Cheeze. Valve’s own description of the Huntsman bow & arrow update:

    Any experienced sniper will tell you how irritating it is when your targets keep moving around. The question is how to stop these cheaters from wind-sprinting around like they own the place. And the answer is to pin them to a wall. How? With arrows!

    “Now, hold on,” you might be thinking. “I’m strong, but no one could throw an arrow that hard.” Introducing the Huntsman longbow, which solves that age-old throwing problem.

    “Now, hold on,” you keep saying. “Aren’t bows and arrows primitive and harmless?” Why don’t you ask the dinosaurs? Except you can’t, because the cavemen bow and arrowed them to death. One headshot from the Huntsman can mean an instant crit, in addition to a bolt-riddled corpse hanging from a wall that’s gruesome and funny.

    And even if you don’t kill them, they’ll carry around a certain arrow-shaped something as a living testament to your awesome archery skills and their frankly unawesome dodging skills. Comes with 18 arrows and a one-second charge for full power shots.

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