The Greatest Boobs In Video Game History (Gallery)
Video games don’t have the greatest history of pandering to the tastes of women. That’s probably because so many game devs are frustrated nerdy dudes working out their own issues via XML. This explains why so many female game protagonists are smoking hot redheads who want to hook up with the nerdiest NPC in the game. It also explains why women in video games tend to be… busty.
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Think we’re kidding? Go to your cabinet now and pick a game. Any game. Fact is, just like how every technological advance is popularized by porn, every step in the evolution of gaming is marked by the diligence of programmers with the sexual maturity of 12 year old boys, working day and night to put breasts into games whether they need to be there or not.
Sexist? Often. Sleazy? Probably. But it’s possible that the insistence on increasingly realistic breasts in games helped usher in the more adult themes we’ve come to take for granted in gaming over the decades. Or at least we’re telling ourselves that to assuage our guilt. Here are the 40 greatest boobs in video game history.
40) Samus Aran
This was the reward you got for beating 1986′s Metroid in record time. Nowadays it would be ‘Achievement unlocked: basement dweller!’
39) Eve from Leisure Suit Larry
Eve is who you got to hot tub with in 1987, when you beat Leisure Suit Larry. It’s primitive, but in the 80s people could only see in 8 bits and 4 colors.
38) Felicia (Darkstalkers version, 1994)
By the early 90s it got a lot easier to pander. Witness the birth of cosplay.
37) Morrigan (Darkstalkers version, 1994)
Yeah, there’s a reason 12 year olds packed arcades into the late 90s. Now soliciting joystick puns.
36) Sarah Morrison from Tabula Rasa
Remember what we said earlier about redheads? Here’s your proof.
35) Joanna Dark from Perfect Dark
The thing is, Joanna never does this in the game. She’s too busy breaking and entering and killing Datadyne honchos to seduce anyone.
34) Lara Croft from Tomb Raider
If video games had a ‘jiggle’ era, it was almost certainly initiated with Tomb Raider. I also blame this game for the popularity of Daisy Dukes.
33) Andariel from Diablo 2
Speaking of redheads, what is it with fantasy games and demons with human breasts? I’m pretty sure demons aren’t mammals.
32) Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat
After Mortal Kombat, fighting game makers decided large, barely-covered breasts were the best defense in a fight. This sounds like bad advice for real life. Unless guys want to try using their nuts as a shield.
31) Mileena from Mortal Kombat
When you play Mortal Kombat, you’re going see some cleavage. It’s in the company handbook.
30) Kitana from Mortal Kombat
You’ll also see sideboob. No it doesn’t make any sense to us either.
29) Ivy Valentine from the Soulcalibur series
Soulcalibur saw Mortal Kombat’s ante and raised it considerably. Where Mortal Kombat had unrealistic scantily clad-ness, Soulcalibur had… well, gratuitous and unnecessary are words that come to mind. Note that Ivy’s weapon of choice is a whip with blades on it. And a bikini. There’s Christian subtext, I’m sure of it.
28) Taki from the Soulcalibur series
Two questions: 1) how is that outfit so form fitting?; 2) No seriously, how do you make navel-conforming cloth?
27) Seong Mi-Na from the Soulcalibur series
Judging by her outfit, Seong Mi-Na clearly went to the Miss Manners fetish academy for creepy western men.
26) Sophitia from the Soulcalibur series
Ok, now they’re just pandering. Come on guys.
25) Cassandra from the Soulcalibur series
At least her bustier straps are leather. That’s a little actual support. Because overflow is a problem and really, underwire is bad for working out. And I’m sure that’s exactly what the devs were thinkings.
24) Anna Williams from Tekken
You’d never know it but she’s the world’s oldest woman. The secret is competing in The King of Iron Fist Tournament, and pandering to desperate nerds.
23) Michelle Change from Tekken
Tekken is the king of weird fetish fuel. Michelle here is wearing a bikini and an Indian headdress. She’s at the Tekken tournament because she got lost on her way to Coachella
22) Christie Monteiro from Tekken
This is just… really blatantly pandering. No shame at all.
21) Felicia (Marvel Vs. Capcom version)
This is probably the basis of 50% of all Comic Con costumes.
20) Lulu from Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy has pioneered the existential angst + gratuitous TnA school of storytelling.
19) The Cimmerian Woman from Age of Conan
Q: Conan, what is best in life?
A: To crush your enemies. To see them driven before you. To holy crap how could anyone sword fight in that?
I can’t help but think Bloodrayne is looking you in the eye and saying ‘my blades are up here idiots!”
17) Rachel from Ninja Gaiden
I really wish they hadn’t let John Millius consult on the Ninja Gaiden series.
16) Lady from Devil May Cry
You think this game is about vampires, but she’s wondering what, exactly, is the matrix?
15) The Everquest Cover Elf
F2P is l33t for ‘NSFW’.
14) Kasumi from Dead or Alive
Dead or Alive (to Tekken): you see, the problem is that you haven’t really considered how little clothing is needed in life or death combat.
Tekken: What’s ‘clothing’?
13) Lei-Fang from Dead or Alive
Dead Or Alive (to Tekken): See what we mean?
Tekken: oh I see. Volleyball really is the most dangerous game.
12) Asari Dancer in Mass Effect
Apparently, in the future gentleman’s clubs still don’t feature readings of Hume.
11) Morrigan (Marvel Vs. Capcom version)
This is the other 50% of all Comic Con costumes.
10) Miranda from Mass Effect 2
I promise this is saved by context. Miranda is doing it on purpose.
09) Tifa from Final Fantasy VII
Tifa is the existential crisis version of Lara Croft. The only thing desperate devs love more than redheads is clinical depression.
08) Isabela from Dragon Age 2
Isabela is actually an exceptionally well written character. But her designer really needs to check out non augmented bodies from time to time. Because those… aren’t breasts.
07) Shura from Soulcalibur 4
It’s not difficult to be the most practically-dressed female character in a Soulcalibur game.
06) Samus Aran (Modern version)
And once again, we have a ridiculously form-fitting jumpsuit. Thing is, it isn’t even necessary. We’re more interested in unlocking the Wave Beam.
05) Mai Shiranui from Fatal Fury and King of Fighters
Sometimes you can only marvel at design decisions. “How much support and protection does this offer?” “None.” “Excellent. Now could you rastafy her by 30%?”
04) Anne from Jurassic Park: Tresspasser
You’d think it wouldn’t be possible to shoehorn gratuitous breasts onto the playable character in a FPS. You’d be wrong. We can’t cure cancer but by god we’re going to put boobs into a genre that normally won’t let you see shoes. Our civilization will last forever.
03) Jade from Mortal Kombat
This is an example of the Mortal Kombat team showing restraint.
02) Yangus from Dragon Quest
You have to admit: 30+ years of boobs R&D have made spectacular manboobs possible.
01) The Brood Mother from Dragon Age: Origins
These are the greatest boobs ever put into a game ever. And no, you cannot have my brain bleach. I just drank all of it.