I got bored and made a book(unfinished) 6 replies

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teancious_m

i love tenacious d

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7th January 2008

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#1 9 years ago

(READ THIS) before reading this note that i have not proof read this at all and the grammar is probably horrible and it might not make any sense at all SO DON'T go on about it being crap or is just stupid. this also has no title so yea leave any CONSTRUCTIVE comments and DON'T FLAME.

Light crept over the horizon; a soft mist covered what remains of Washington. The white house lies in ruins news papers litter the streets their headlines read ‘The new soviet union declares war on America with the help of Germany and most of the middle east and Scandinavia. The streets lie silent whatever remains of the cities inhabitants are dead or hiding. (-2 years earlier-) The Chairman of foreign affairs enters “The arrival of the new Soviet Union distresses me quite a bit Mr President I fear that we, our nation might come to an end, what do you suppose we do ?“ The Chairman asks ‘Whatever we can do to survive, alert general Carns we are now at defcon 1, mobilize our armies and prepare the nation for attack from all sides’ He sighs ‘Yes sir Mr President’. General Carns bursts in bellowing” DEFCON 1? MOBILIZE ARMIES? Half our forces are gone in the war with China and Japan and you think we can be at defcon one? With all due respect sir shove it up your arse this order is just impossible. Consider this my resignation I don’t think I will be seeing any of you any time soon. “Petrenko come look we have surprise for American dogs ‘Petrenko looks down with amazement ‘Yes thats right we have Prototype American armored battle tank ‘Sergeant Biet what do we do with this town???’ ‘ Burn it to the ground leave none alive’ Biet rasped. DONT FALME IT ITS NOT FINISHED (READ THIS) before reading this note that i have not proof read this at all and the grammar is probably horrible and it might not make any sense at all SO DON'T go on about it being crap or is just stupid. this also has no title so yea leave any CONSTRUCTIVE comments and DON'T FLAME.




AlDaja

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5th September 2006

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#2 9 years ago
Light crept over the horizon; a soft mist covered what remained of Washington. The White House lies in ruins newspapers litter the streets their headlines read: “The new Soviet Union, Germany many Middle Eastern nations and Scandinavia declare war on America.” The streets lie silent whatever remains of the cities inhabitants are dead or are in hiding. Two years earlier… (do your flashback or literary pause like this) The Chairman of Foreign Affairs enters, (not typically how a character is introduced) “The arrival of the new Soviet Union distresses me quite a bit Mr. President I fear that our nation might be at its end, what do you suppose we do?” “Whatever we can do to survive, alert General Carns we are now at DEFCON* 1, mobilize our armies and prepare the nation for attack from all sides,” replied the President. “Yes sir, Mr. President,” sighed the Chairman. (You need something here…General Carns burst in, after the Chairman tells him. At this point before you have the General burst in, you can introspectively relay to the reader why the General feels the President is an idiot and dislikes him and/or his governing ability as it relates to military action, this will set the ground rules for this character to tell the president to “ shove it up his ass”, otherwise it just doesn’t fit, so I removed it.) General Carns bursts in bellowing, “DEFCON 1!, MOBILIZE ARMIES!?, Half our forces are engaged in combat already with China and Japan and you want us at full military readiness? With all due respect sir, you ask the impossible.” (Dialog between the president and the General is required here for the reader to accept this next sentence.) Consider this my resignation I don’t think I will be seeing any of you any time soon. (This passage requires a new paragraph with a prompt (i.e. Moscow) or would be with its own chapter separate from the previous scene.) “Petrenko, come look we have surprise for American dogs.” Sergeant Biet (intorduce this character here, otherwise the reader doesn't know who is talking) excitement made clear by his beckoning. Petrenko, (wouldn't hurt to let reader know what P. is thinking when he comes to the Sergeant) looked down with amazement. “Yes, that’s right we have prototype American armored battle tank.” This doesn’t fit: (What do we do with this town?Burn it to the ground leave none alive’ Biet rasped.)…are we looking at a tank or a town or both…need to clarify to the reader. *This is an acronym. Acronyms are usually in caps when in print. *Your characters are not introduced properly at this point, but that is ok…this seems more like a passage further into your story. Make sure to give some depth to them, if they are going to be major characters.

as requested...:beer:




AlDaja

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#3 9 years ago

The White House lies in ruins... oops, didn't catch this. Should read: The White House lay in ruins... (past tense of lie is lay. ;))




teancious_m

i love tenacious d

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7th January 2008

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#4 9 years ago

cool i will take this into thought thank you for constructive criticism




AlDaja

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#5 9 years ago

You're welcome.:)




Admiral Donutz VIP Member

Wanna go Double Dutch?

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#6 9 years ago

Moved from GD to Entertainment (the forum dedicated to chat about various media like films, books etc.).

:moved:




Miliciano

Fedayi

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27th May 2009

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#7 9 years ago

This is awesome, please keep working on it so we can fantasize about Glorious CCCP