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TheMitter

BuriedMySoul10FtUnder

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7th March 2005

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#1 12 years ago

Hey all, well, I have been doing some writting, and was wondering what you think about what I got so far. Plz don't post corrections, I will go through this myself and find mistakes. I am wondering if u think it is good writting, can u immagine what is happening? is the description good? I will continue to post on this as I write more.

I could only hear one sound, a rythmic beating; faint, seemingly in the distance, but I I could feel each beat pounding against my chest. I opened my eyes, only to find I could only see a distorted image of blue and black, before the heavy lids covered them again. I could hear another sound now, a different one. This sound was not the same, it followed no pattern. I could hear one shortly followed by another. Such a familiar sound, yet in my disoriented state, I could not imagine what this was. I forced my eyes open again, I could see better now. Expanding circles enveloped one another, only to dissappear, ripples in a puddle, water was dripping. The beats pounding against my chest, were begining to quicken, it was the sound of my heart. How did I get here? I couln't remember, In truth, I couldn't remember anything. I knew not my name or where I came from. I now relized I couldn't even move, I was paralized, restricted to a wallless prison. My whole body was numb. I could taste an odd taste in my mouth, that of copper, I spit. Crimson, that was the color, I was bleeding. A shock of pain shot through my entire body, my back arched as I let out a scream of absolute agony. Opening my eyes wide, everything went dim. I blinked, reaching for my eyes, which burned intensly. My blood seemed to boil, my head felt as though it was splitting, and the taste of copper came again, stronger then before. In the distance, I could hear another sound, a faint laughter, seemingly tormenting me, mocking me. Everything went dark, I could feel the beating of my heart, fast, but slowing. My body began to relax, as I slipped away into a deep sleep.




IR15H

An end has a start.

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7th September 2005

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#2 12 years ago

Im no english expert or anything but I'll give you my view anyway :) I though your writing was generally quite good, descriptive and interesting to read. I did feel that you sometimes point out things explicitly which doesnt need to be done and subtracts from the piece slightly. I wont say which bits as it might come under "corrections" which you dont want. Still, overall :thumbsup:




Psychokenesis

I'm too cool to Post

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16th October 2003

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#3 12 years ago

before I read it what do you mean explicity cause I really could do with out that...




IR15H

An end has a start.

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7th September 2005

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#4 12 years ago

lol i dont mean it as "rude" i mean it as; make it explicitly clear, like obvious.




Rookie VIP Member

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3rd May 2005

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#5 12 years ago

Well, I'm taking English literature A level, and I have to say that looks very good. Lots of descriptive language, metaphors. Nice. :thumbsup:




Yannick

A psychedelic experience.

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16th April 2004

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#6 12 years ago

Is this meant to have a pr0nographic side any 13 year old would find funny?




Griffin_NL

El-Producto

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24th July 2005

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#7 12 years ago

Oh.. thought it was good.. I like those short-sentences-- It builds up.. suspence. Well, I liked it.. It was a bit dark, just, cool, I think. You could try to use less "I"-'s thought, as (especially in the beginning) you use it a lot. I'd say try to use it only when necessary, but thats just me. But it'd would be great for an intro of a book, i think. gj.




Admiral Donutz VIP Member

Wanna go Double Dutch?

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9th December 2003

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#8 12 years ago
Griffin_NLOh.. thought it was good.. I like those short-sentences-- It builds up.. suspence. Well, I liked it.. It was a bit dark, just, cool, I think. You could try to use less "I"-'s thought, as (especially in the beginning) you use it a lot. I'd say try to use it only when necessary, but thats just me. But it'd would be great for an intro of a book, i think. gj.

Agreed, all the short setences are nice ( a LOT of commas though, too many?) but the text contains a lot of "I" 's, how about reducing them and putting nothing or "my" 's in there instead?

Otherwise a nice read though, be sure to add paragraphs or some people might become annoyed.




TheMitter

BuriedMySoul10FtUnder

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7th March 2005

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#9 12 years ago

Here, I removed quite a few of the "I's", and replaced them best I could, sry bout indents, filefront screws that up somehow....lol I don't know y, well, is this any better? I could only hear one sound, a rhythmic beating; faint, seemingly in the distance, but could feel each beat pounding against my chest. My eys opened only to find that I could only see a distorted image of blue and black, before the heavy lids covered them again. I could hear another sound now, a different one. This sound was not the same, one shortly followed by another, but it followed no pattern. Such a familiar sound, yet in my disoriented state, I could not imagine what this was. I forced my eyes open again, seeing better now. Expanding circles enveloped one another, only to disappear, ripples in a puddle, water was dripping. The beats pounding against my chest were beginning to quicken, it was the sound of my heart. How did I get here? I couldn't remember, In truth, I couldn't remember anything. I knew not my name or where I came from. I now realized I couldn't even move, paralyzed, restricted to a wallless prison. My whole body was numb. An odd taste filled my mouth, that of copper, I spit. Crimson, that was the color, I was bleeding. A shock of pain shot through my entire body, my back arched as I let out a scream of absolute agony. Opening my eyes wide, everything went dim. I blinked, reaching for my eyes, which burned intensely. My blood seemed to boil, my head felt as though it was splitting, and the taste of copper came again, stronger then before. In the distance, I could hear another sound, a faint laughter, seemingly tormenting me, mocking me. Everything went dark, I could feel the beating of my heart, fast, but slowing. My body began to relax, as I slipped away into a deep sleep.




IR15H

An end has a start.

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7th September 2005

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#10 12 years ago

Definitely improved without all the "I"'s but still think it could be improved furthur. I dont want to make too many suggestions but I'll highligh some ares;

I could hear another sound now, a different one. This sound was not the same,

You could heard a different sound, it was not the same as the other one. To me it seems like unnecessary repetition.

one shortly followed by another, but it followed no pattern

You suggest a pattern of one quickly followed by another but then say there is no pattern :confused:

The beats pounding against my chest were beginning to quicken, it was the sound of my heart.

I dont think its neccessary to explicitly say that it is your heart you hear, you have described it adequetly enough for the reader to be able to deduce this.

My whole body was numb.....A shock of pain shot through my entire body

If your numb you wouldnt feel pain surely. Dont get me wrong I still think its good writing, I just feel it could be even better. :)