[COLOR=purple]It was night and foggy on the foresty planet of Twilight. The soldier is patrolling Sector 338b-viii. Scanning the area, not brushing any details off, he silently takes notes in his head.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"This is dumb," the soldier spoke to himself.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]From behind, he heard a tree branch snap, and jumped. The full moon illuminating his sillouhette in comparison to the shining dewy pine trees.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Echo 8 to Base," the blonde haired, lanky man spoke.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Yes, what is it?" a voice spoke over the intercom watch inquired.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Is there anyone else patroling my area?" the young man asked.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"That's a negative. You are the only one out there tonight," the voice spoke again, "Is something wrong?"[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"They're here!" he whispered subtley to himself.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]He turned and ran as fast as he could back to his base, but one thing he did not account for were the snipers in the hills.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]Out of nowhere, he was sniped in the head. Fortunately however, he was close enough to the base for the guards to see the laser beam trail left behind from the blast.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]The base's alarms signalled in silence and the army of Imperians came filing through between the trees. The Harkalainis were lined up in one legion, 400x1000, a transport landing behind the officers, who were behind the "scrubs", as they were called.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]One Harkalaini officer, stood in 'about-front' and waited for the Commanders to disembark.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"What's the status?" Julius asked when his foot touched solid ground.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"They're on their way sir," the Officer replied, still tense.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Julius, do you think we have enough? I mean we are going against an entire army, legions on legions, and we are just one legion."[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"We will retreat if we have to," Julius spoke to the girl behind him.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]Julius summoned "Snakefang" and "Mongoose Claw", his rapiers, for battle. "Let's prepare for battle! Remember to keep your cool and breathe while you fight, if you panic, you WILL die. Understood?"[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Sir, Yes Sir!" the legion replied.[/COLOR]
He has rapiers in a gunfight? Will he be on top of a tank?
More a more serious novel, dumb probably won't cut it. Bullshit might've fit in better there.
"Out of nowhere, he was sniped in the head. Fortunately however, he was close enough to the base for the guards to see the laser beam trail left behind from the blast." This line feels out of place. Other than that, pretty good.
seems alright, i would suggest making it a bit less cliche, maybe more adult in language and making the names more realistic. good imagination though. need that to be a successfull writer.
What's a soldier doing patrolling alone so far from base?
yeah, that seems like a hole in the plot. especially since he seems like he was expecting it, saying 'they're here', rather than it just being a routine patrol.
Well pardon me that it is just a small snippet. I was looking for the "hook" but I guess I have to re-type it, again. But whatever, I will say the language is semi-adult, and it's not so cliche as soon as I find a decent part. But that's all I could find for now. The Planet Twilight is a foresty planet in a far reach of the Thera Galaxy. It has no military and it's gov't is allied and supports the good guys or defenders. While, I will just re-type up the Intro then
Well, we really don't know how far away he is from base. He could be a few hundred yards(of course, if the snipers took the time to find him, they could've also shot up the base already) or he could be miles away(also unlikely, since he ran back to base). The former seems more likely, but it's still a stretch.
It also has to be a pretty big base, to hold 400x1000 troops. That would equal 400,000 troops, you'd probably need several square hundred kilometers to hold all the facilities for those guys...
And even if the guy patrolling was only several hundred yards away from the base, if he was deep in Indian country and beyond the wire, I really doubt he'd be patrolling alone... at night... in enemy infested territory...
[COLOR=purple]"It is the year 50.500, or 5050X. The Interstellar Federation of Planetary Galaxies has fallen into a state of chaos. Each planet is fighting for their own "hidden cause". Worlds allying then later betraying that trust.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"I am a 16-year-old general and one of the best sky captains for my homeworld. Due to overpopulation, we need to expand and we are losing resources by the day. We are allied to the peaceful, demilitarized planet, Twilight, but the can provide so much and be only so safe. I have now been given the orders, which echo through me for they are that clear. Annihilate they closest planet, Imperia, the biggest threat and strongest force in the galaxy. I will have to kill, corrupt and most importantly, sacrifice, until we have total control.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"The road of war will not be easy, it never is. I live in a galaxy filled with airships, magic, war, and more things than a single person can imagine, for it is always expanding. One teenage boy must lead his army to the fiery depths of Hell, and they expect no return, for the only people we will rely on is but ourselves.[/COLOR] [COLOR=purple]"Here is the story, no, legend of that boy's deeds to save the only home he has ever known."[/COLOR]
I don't think combining magic and space travel is a good idea. Things from two totally different worlds usually do not end up mixing well.
Get rid of the magic aspect, write the book well, and you probably got yourself a winner. Maybe.