Cracker jokes. 12 replies

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Nemmerle Forum Moderator

Voice of joy and sunshine

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26th May 2003

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#1 14 years ago

The joke from my Christmas cracker! :)

A major Category 3 Hurricane (Shazza) hit in the early hours of Monday.

Epicentre: Clacton, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackin ell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic Burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Clacton apart from the local punch up's at closing time!

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying "What the F*ck was that?" My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, and must av smoked 60 Lambert an Butlers"

Apparently though, looting, muggings, spraying graffiti and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and special fried rice with curry sauce to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

How can you help? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, among the items needed are:

FILA or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops, (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Any garment by Donnay Any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals (Pot noodle curry) Tins of baked beans Ice cream Pork scratchings Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps, blue fizzy drinks and slush puppys for a family of 9 £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm nerves of those those affected.

**Breaking news** Rescue workers have found a little girl in the rubble smothered in claret. "Where are you bleeding from?" They asked "ROMFORD" Said the girl "Woss that faaacken got to do wiv you?"




the1chaos Advanced Member

I pretend to do stuff.

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16th January 2004

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#2 14 years ago

very nice find, made me chuckle.




Yannick

A psychedelic experience.

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16th April 2004

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#3 14 years ago

That was inside your cracker?

I got a pink hat, a little toy car, and:

'What do you call the king of the jungle? King Henry the Ape'.

:'(




FlyingBarMitzvah

I eat kittens

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14th December 2005

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#4 14 years ago

Ahh you United Kingdom nutters. I opened this thread expecting jokes about rednecks that dress up in bedsheets and chase black people with boomsticks.




Μαjïç MushrøøM

I would die without GF

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29th November 2003

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#5 14 years ago
a 15-year-old mother of 5

I wouldn't put that too far past reality nowadays.

FlyingBarMitzvahI opened this thread expecting jokes about rednecks that dress up in bedsheets and chase black people with boomsticks. Edit/Delete Message

I thought they used firehoses and police dogs...? :confused:




FlyingBarMitzvah

I eat kittens

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14th December 2005

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#6 14 years ago
Μαjïç MushrøøM I thought they used firehoses and police dogs...? :confused:

They DO use firehoses and police dogs but if I said so it wouldn't be Politically Correct :P




Μαjïç MushrøøM

I would die without GF

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29th November 2003

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#7 14 years ago

That's why I had to say it. :rolleyes:




rob.

I am the Walrus

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24th October 2004

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#8 14 years ago
NemmerleThe joke from my Christmas cracker! :)

How did that fit in a cracker!

Anyway, i got a crappy hat, a crappy alian toy, and a crappy joke which was to damn crappy to recite so that has left you with this meaningless crappy post. :)




Guest

I didn't make it!

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#9 14 years ago

lol, funny. thanks for that.




*Soviet.Power

Ex-MøđęRāŧǿr ø₣ Geňęrāł Gāmíňĝ

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31st January 2004

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#10 14 years ago

lol, good joke. My cracker was crap. Got a silver hat, some kind of toy (don't know what it does, but it said it had moving parts on the packing......no sign of that yet :uhm:).

My joke read:

Q: What is an octopus?

A: an eight sided cat

yeah, terrible I know :(




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