Does This Look Alright For My Essay...? 11 replies

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Chris

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20th February 2006

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#1 11 years ago

I've started my history on whether it was mostly black people's actions that caused the shutdown of the triangle trade. I'd appreciate it if you tell me if it reads right so far.




groddy VIP Member

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#2 11 years ago

Chris,

We dont do peoples homework here for them. :lock:




SuperFantastic

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#3 11 years ago

i remember haveing to do the trade triangle in year 9 i cant be bothered to read it and i dont wana end up givin you the answers




Inyri Forge VIP Member

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#4 11 years ago

Definitely proofread. And try citing your sources. :nodding:




Delta Force

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#5 11 years ago

Instead of "Black People" you might want to try something more politcially correct.




Inyri Forge VIP Member

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#6 11 years ago

Well you wouldn't want to call them "African Americans," because at the time they were not citizens, so the only really decent thing to call them would be "slaves".

I suppose you could try "chocolate people." It worked for my brother... when he was 2...




Aeroflot

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#7 11 years ago
In this essay, I will be voicing my opinion on whether the most important reason for the abolition of slavery was black people's actions.

I'm assuming this is your thesis. I wouldn't say "In this essay, I will be voicing my opinion..." You shouldn't get personal like that. Something more along the lines of "The most important reason for the abolition of slavery was the slaves' actions."

Make sure to check over the grammar. "We're" isn't the same as "were."

Your conclusion ends kinda abruptly. I would try adding to it a bit and try to 'phase out.'




Chris

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#8 11 years ago

Aeroflotte;3283782I'm assuming this is your thesis. I wouldn't say "In this essay, I will be voicing my opinion..." You shouldn't get personal like that. Something more along the lines of "The most important reason for the abolition of slavery was the slaves' actions."[/quote]

I can't. The whole point of the essay is to explain our opinions and present evidence for each of the possible reasons.

Aeroflotte;3283782Make sure to check over the grammar. "We're" isn't the same as "were."[/quote]

Thanks for telling me. I'll fix that.

[quote=Aeroflotte;3283782]Your conclusion ends kinda abruptly. I would try adding to it a bit and try to 'phase out.'

I don't have a conclusion yet...

[quote=Chris Down]I've started my history on whether it...




Aeroflot

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#9 11 years ago

Well, it's best if you post a complete essay before you ask people to look over it.




Nemmerle Forum Mod

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#10 11 years ago

Alright, bear in mind this is going to be quite lacking in sugar coating, I mark my A Level groups Sociology papers for them and I'm just going to pick things out the way I do with them. If you can't deal with a lack of sugar coating on comments then don't read it.

The actions of black people played an important part in helping to abolish the slave trade in 1807, and putting a stop to slavery full stop in 1833.

Source / studies? If you say it you have to back it up. And you should be really incredibly anal about backing yourself up. If you make a statement like that and don't immediately back it up then you're going to get marked down for it, at least where I am. With 2-3 hundred papers to read if you don't immediately back it up it's just a flash of red ink next to it and a [COLOR="Red"]- 10[/COLOR] in the margin, backing it up later on doesn't work when people just skim read through an essay, it needs to be backed up after the statement.

In this essay, I will be voicing my opinion on whether the most important reason for the abolition of slavery was black people’s actions.

It's an essay, you don't 'voice' your opinion. It would read better as 'In this essay I shall attempt to support my opinion...' And what is your opinion? You don't state it and you need to do that (preferably in the introduction) or it's just going to be marked as a [COLOR="Red"]U[/COLOR] from the off.

You really need to tell people what you're going to be doing in the essay in your introduction, it should be a summary of the points you're going to be examining in the main body of the essay with some light support that you then expand upon later. It should not be a collection of statements, however well written they are, without proof or a great deal of relevance to the main text. Less waffle is needed.

Needless to say, the actions of black people we’re an important factor in the abolition of the slave trade, and slavery. For example, in 1791, slaves in Santa Domingo rebelled against their owners, and founded their own republic, now known as Haiti. In 1831, slaves in Jamaica followed suit by going on strike and burning crop. The owners due to this uprising killed 400 of the slaves. Perhaps more importantly, as it spread the word to the ignorant whites in England and other predominantly white countries, Olaudah Equiano, an ex-slave who bought his freedom, wrote a book on his life and about slavery which he registered at Stationer's Hall, London, in 1789. Olaudah also travelled the country making speeches against slavery in various He worked closely with Granville Sharp.

Only needs one or two examples, preferably one of militant action and one of political action. Don't waste your time overstating the point. You also need to back up that they were an important factor in the abolition of slavery and the slave trade in general if you're going to make statements like that. Sure they may have stopped it in a few issolated areas but what of the wider world? When writting a paper you have to answer the other side of the argument too.

The white middle-class mostly supported the slave trade during its heyday, but a few who disagreed helped to bring down the slave trade, even without a large deal of support.

Need to back yourself up there again. Numbers of supporters etc. If you make a point like that you need to prove it rather than just stating it is so.

Granville Sharp was but one of these anti slave-trade supporters. Nothing in his childhood would have suggested he would rebel against the slave trade, but for a chance meeting in 1765. Sharp's brother William was a doctor who gave free treatment to the poor in London. While visiting his brother, Sharp noticed a young black man who was badly beaten by his owner, David Lisle. Lisle had beaten the young man, Jonathan Strong, with his pistol and had thrown him into the street for dead. The brothers cared for Strong and, after two years, he seemed fully recovered. Afterward, Lisle caught a glimpse of him and realised the slave he’d left for dead could still make him a profit. Lisle sold the young man to James Kerr. Strong appealed to the Sharps for help, and Granville Sharp brought his case before the Lord Mayor. The mayor agreed that Strong had committed no crime and should be set free. Kerr tried to sue Sharp. In the end no one had the money for a legal battle. Strong, his health permanently hindered from the beating, died at the age of 25, in 1770.

WAFFLE. An argument or someone's life story? If you're going to go on like this you need to link it back to your opinion, how exactly is this beaten man related to the importance of white people's actions behind the abolition of slavery? It may have been a catalyst but your argument doesn't exist to explain the reasons why a thing happened and this short tale lends nothing to the argument. This could be replaced with something like 'Sharp decided to become an activist for the colored man's cause after witnessing a beaten slave in London.'

Because of his high-ranking position as an MP, he managed to spread the word to the British public.

Who now? That shouldn't be in a sentence on its own.

William Wilberforce perhaps would not have been involved with the abolition if not for a conversion to Christianity in 1785. Due to his beliefs, he actively campaigned against the slave trade, as he believed that all humans were equal.

And where did this man come from, what was his major contribution? He's had no introduction, the reader does not know why you have mentioned this strange man at such a late point in your essay. The reader should not the be wondering why you have put someone there, this is why a well written introduction and proper paragrahing and grammar are so important.

Thomas Clarkson was another campaigner, who became of the twelve men who formed the Committee for Abolition of the African Slave Trade. While Wilberforce put the campaign through parliament, Clarkson continued to produce new evidence that Wilberforce put to good use in his speech of 1789.

He became twelve men, interesting feat. You'd be better of mentioning that he produced evidence rather than continued to produce evidence otherwise the reader will expect you to have referenced his earlier creation of evidence.

W hile M P’s cam paigned against the slave trade, the w orking classes w ere starting to feel a sense of injustice towards the black slaves, and started to become actively involved in the bringing down of the slave trade. They did what they could by signing petitions and staging meetings. For example, in Manchester in 1788, over 10,000 working class people signed a petition against the slave trade. They even continued to sign petitions after the ‘triangle-trade’ w as abolished – in 1814 over 1,500,000 members of the working classes signed various petitions.

Where's the other side of the argument? You outline the history of some political activity but you don't draw anything out of it, you don't compare it to the activities of colored activists or make any judgements. This is supposed to be an essay about, 'whether the most important reason for the abolition of slavery was black people’s actions.' But you don't say what side you're supporting, don't link it together. At the moment this reads like a recital of political history rather than an argument.

If I were to give this a mark out of twenty as we do for the sociology papers it would be 2 or 3/20 and the comment would be: Shows knowledge of some facts related to the issue but lacks linkage and structure, without which it is only a recital of facts supporting no specific argument or opinion. Often lengthly chunks of text are used where a single statement would suffice and a clear plan for the essay is not shown, nor opinion evidenced.




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