I've been unable to map for Crysis or FarCry for about a month now, which was how I kinda relaxed, but now I can't think of anything to map...
I've started to subconsciously do strange things like crying without any reason during my classes, talking to myself while walking around, drinking about a gallon of green tea [to help cut, part of my weight lifting program], which I know gives me withdrawal symptoms when I stop for a few days, the caffeine keeps me going...
For the first time, I'm thinking about girls and women, I never did any of this during highschool. Highschool for me was a total shitty time. I wasn't picked on or anything, but I was super overweight, really low self-esteem [some days I feel the same way I did then but I've cut over 100 lbs since then] and completly anti-social, I think even the teachers were afraid of me, I just stared away, never saying anything [though I got mostly As]. Thinking about girls and relationships, something I've never had, I've gotten a lot more in touch with my 'feminine' side, thinking about interactions, feelings, and some days it feels really good to just think about how it would be to have a girl, just someone to hang out with. But the actual act of being with someone seems so impossible. I mean, I'm supposed to have a gf, I suppose, it's something people expect a guy to have. It seems so easy, girls within arms reach, but that would be too bold of an approach....
I had a crush on a girl in one of my classes but then I got a talking to by one of the guys in the class saying she was taken, though all I done was once in a while stared at her, I never even talked to her once. It was funny though, she kept making eyes at him [the guy who set me straight], like he had her under a spell, it was weird, she couldn't seem to get any work done, always doing silly things to get his attention, I sat next to her and he was across the room. And he was flirting with other girls, that didn't seem to make her jealous though...girls are weird.
I walk around in shorts when it's 5' F outside, I recently am paying the price, I think I caught the flu, or atleast a really sore throat and runny nose, bringing me down, I can't do as much work in the gym because of my sickness, another mojo killer.
I don't know who to talk to, most days my only time I can take a deep breath is when I'm in the gym, it seems like my real home, though I still have to lose about 20 more lbs, and even there I hate myself, the way I look, still being overweight while other guys are just putting on muscle while I'm still trying to cut...
It feels like I've not posted anything in years, like I've been in a foreign country or something, but I remember just a few hours ago posting about how Crysis wasn't coming to any consoles...fools
I don't like going home on the weekends, my gym membership at home has expired so I'm kinda forced if I want to work out, to do it on the college gym which is ok, but far from perfect [not any good quality leg machines]. When I tell my parents stuff [my dad never speaks, that just the way he is] like my mom, she nods and listens but her advice never seems to do me any good, I could just as well talk to the cat, but she doesn't like me. I think the cat doesn't like me because I'm never around and now she probably sees me as a stranger... my older brother is even more closeted than me, and I don't like acting fake around him just to be around him, which is how I have to act.
I feel like home isn't what it used to be, and actually the drive home, 3 hours, is more fun than actually arriving home, where everyone just does their own thing, and we never really see each other.
I don't know why, but I still wake up everyday in a great mood, ready for my protein shake, egg whites and getting my papers ready for school, but it feels weird to come back to the dorms with nothing to do, and I've worked out so I can't even do that. Not really enough time for a job, and I have hundreds of dollars though there's nothing I can really buy, I just upgraded my computer with a new proc, memory, mobo, etc so that's out.
Cheer me up, ff?
7th December 2003
Seems to me as if you will end up as some sort of workaholic if you continue like this.
But what exactly are you worried about? Not having a girl or being overweight? The first is a problem blown way out of proportion by today's sex-obsessed society, the second seems to be something you're already working on. So don't feel sorry for yourself, it could be worse.
dude. yoru already on a straight path to self-redemption. your already working on one problem (and doing a damn good job of it from the sounds of it) and youve recognized the fact that youve got some other fixable problems. youve got nothing to worry about man. just give it a year or two and you should be set.
Thanks for the votes of confidence.
Now if I could just 'happy' this cold away... auuggh.
yeah dude, I think I know what you got. I got the same thing two weeks ago. it should last a few days, you may get a fever, and that soar throat will get a hell of a lot worse. but it shouldnt last long. just take some dayquil/nyquil and some tylonol. you should be fine
I think I like the idea of being a workaholic. Strange as that might sound, I know that's how I'll make my money. I'm already looking up prices on Lamborghinis and life insurance, just trying to imagine the future.
I guess the thing that keeps me going, alive, are challenges. College isn't much of a challenge at all, but working out, losing weight, doing my FarCry and Crysis stuffs is far more challenging. But the challenges, if it's worth doing in my mind, I will get it done, no question in my mind. One of the very few things I like about myself is my determination -- if I want to get it done, it will get done, sooner or later. I am by far the most determined person I have spoken to, or read about. That might be big of me, but it's true, in so far as my limited knowledge of the world extends.
Like right now, just today, I'm re-learning to model in 3dmax, a skill I learned years ago but forgot after nearly 3 years of not even opening the application, now I'm learning it all over again. And surprisingly, I have started 5 new models, all weapons, for my FarCry mod and freelance projects for other teams... giving back makes me quite happy, I never thought it would. My started, USP 9mm pistol [have yet to extrude, that'll make it pop]
So thanks for the pick me up guys, I'm feeling quite a bit better now, I have new plans and directions for myself, gaming wise. As for the cutting and later bulking of my weight training, I just have to keep reminding myself that no magic will happen overnight, all things take time, esp losing weight when you've lost a lot and those last couple [about 10 for me, I think, but they're really obvious ones] are the most difficult.
if you want my opinion on the model, you shoulnt have made it with a plane. box modling is a lot easier. cause then you can just add the length and with segements without all that pesky measuring and stuff. but thats how I learned it.