What a wonder this World can be , a clear glass without a top, or a spinning bottle full of poison, discontent and agony.... A broken shoe to wear, with a hole for the loose toe, or a well worn shoe 2 sizes too small. The scare crow with no limbs and straw in his chest, or the brave politician with an free pen arm and no heart. Each and all needs the other to be full , but one must be more than the other. In dark shadows a light may be found but yet sill darkness will always be. A chandeliar that is once turned off and yet turned on again once more. As a faded memory as time quickly passes, darkness turns to light. Night rides over the world into day, all memories passing by. Is it a storm that all and such memories shadow our minds, or is it cover from the bright rays from up above ? Forget not your great pain but remember it in discontent .
Heaven's gonna burn your eyes
16th April 2005
It reminded me first off of Robert Frost's work.
But don't let that get to your head just yet.
I found your poem to be lacking a coherency of thought. It seemed like you have over-stuffed it with metaphor, and lost something along the way.
Don't worry, it isn't bad. Actually I do alot of poetry, I have a whole book of engaging love poems and other things. I started a thread showing some of my poetry, let me find it, bump it, and you can post your work in it. Anyone can.....
(edit) http://forums.filefront.com/general-discussion/288906-my-poetry.html There it is!
Yet again abstract poems. Why people find greatness in abstract poems escapes me completely. Sure, it's great to use words that depict things or paint a mood, but to compose a "poem" completely of that does not appeal to me. It's just a composition of random sentences describing random things. I dislike things like this, and I remember criticizing the poems of another fellow forumer who made a thread about them. It's the same with abstract paintings, people think it's really clever and has a deeper meaning to it, but.. I fail to see it.
Something real that could be associated with should be described, then the abstract metaphors could be built on that. Let me give you an example:
"Limbs are severed by swift flashes of steel,"
that's an example of what I consider a decent use of imagery and still maintains some sort of relevance to something that we can relate to, not something that tries to metathink into the realm of complete irrelevance and wrapped in with abstract depictions of .. well, random things.
Oh, and, yes, this is just my opinion, I do not speak for anyone else.
 P.S. The form you wrote it with was annoying. Please don't use spaces before commas, question marks and dots. Also, please don't make an empty line between all your sentences.[/edit]
Thank you all for the input I will try again...:)
A dark room full of static shadows,
the lonely cobweb in the far corner,
light shown the silk of the web , but with no gleam. .
Dust across the old wooden floors but without filth .
Old memories put away into shadows, the present laid dormant ,
on the selves memories collect, into light they cast darkness ,
dark is the spot that follows these memories .
worn is the time that prevails
deep into the reaches of himself a switch is turned.
The room still cold and dark.
The doll he still holds, her spot still the darkest of them all
the switch shall remain broken.
That was a lot better, mostly because it made sense and had meaning. It was actually pretty good. Keep it up! :)
Bruceleereborn;3829428That was a lot better, mostly because it made sense and had meaning. It was actually pretty good. Keep it up! :)
Thank you , I will keep trying and try to do even better. Thank you. :D
Getting better! Keep up the good work.