I don't know what to do... 13 replies

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Ryojin

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#1 3 years ago

I can't give out the details, but I have some information involving two people that I care quite a bit about. One of them wronged the other in a significant way without that other person knowing. If I tell that wronged person, then I am pretty much destroying my relationship with the wrongdoer, not to mention their relationship to each other... This is something that I do not wish to do. If I do not tell, I'll feel as if my conscience is eating me alive, but everyone else involved will be happier for it, unless the secret somehow comes out anyway, which isn't too horribly likely.

Should I do the "morally right" but very painful thing and tell, or should I sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of those I care about and keep my mouth shut? I don't know that either option is more worth it than the other. I really wish I could just not give a fuck either way, but that isn't the case.


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Nemmerle Forum Mod

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#2 3 years ago

Would you be believed if you did tell?

What are the chances that the person who defected from reasonable behaviour is going to do so again? Do you believe their future defection to be more or less likely than you did in the past?

Do you have evidence?

If so is it the sort that you can deliver without revealing your identity?




Ryojin

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#3 3 years ago

Nemmerle;5758593Would you be believed if you did tell?[/QUOTE]

Yes.

Nemmerle;5758593What are the chances that the person who defected from reasonable behaviour is going to do so again? [/QUOTE]

Likely, although not likely in the same way, not on the same scale.

Nemmerle;5758593 Do you believe their future defection to be more or less likely than you did in the past?

What? Sorry, it's 9am, and I still have yet to sleep, so my mind isn't fully functioning. Can you reword that for me?

[QUOTE=Nemmerle;5758593]Do you have evidence?

Yes and no. I can prove what happened, but not who did it.

[QUOTE=Nemmerle;5758593]If so is it the sort that you can deliver without revealing your identity?

No.

Honestly, I don't know why I created this thread. I won't get any real answers without giving more details about what happened, which I am unwilling to do. I just can't get this question out of my head.


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Mr. Matt VIP Member

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#4 3 years ago

A person who wrongs another without remorse is perfectly capable of doing the same to you.




Nemmerle Forum Mod

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#5 3 years ago

Ryojin;5758595Yes.

Likely, although not likely in the same way, not on the same scale.

What? Sorry, it's 9am, and I still have yet to sleep, so my mind isn't fully functioning. Can you reword that for me?

Yes and no. I can prove what happened, but not who did it.

No.

Honestly, I don't know why I created this thread. I won't get any real answers without giving more details about what happened, which I am unwilling to do. I just can't get this question out of my head.

From the sound of it then, you're talking about a person who is – more or less – a scorpion. There are unreliable, they're probably going to hurt someone again in the future, and, as Mr Matt said, you can't rely on them either. By the sound of it, you're not really losing anything by way of reliable friends and getting rid of this person, and for all that the immediate cost to the relationship of the two people in question may not be insignificant in the long run they're probably doing better out of it as well; at least, the one who hasn't been wronged probably will.

There's also the aspect of it that you can't hold yourself responsible for other people's relationships. If their finding out the truth causes them to terminate their relationship, or causes significant damage to it, shouldn't that be their choice?

From the sound of it, insofar as you're comfortable running the risks of involving yourself in the disputes of others, you're better off telling. I don't think that you need to feel guilty if you do.




Ryojin

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#6 3 years ago

Maybe it is because I have so very few relationships with other people that I can't stand to see the relationships of others torn apart, or to lose one of the few relationships I do have... But it is more than just that. Opening my mouth would destroy the peace and happiness of those people along with their relationship to each other.

This person is like a sibling to me, closer than mere acquaintance, closer than mere friend. I don't want to lose that. Imagine, if you will, that it was you in this sort of situation (including the lack of many other friends and a severe lack of ability to make new friends), and it was your two closest friends involved. Would you think the same way so readily?


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Nemmerle Forum Mod

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#7 3 years ago

Ryojin;5758598Maybe it is because I have so very few relationships with other people that I can't stand to see the relationships of others torn apart, or to lose one of the few relationships I do have... But it is more than just that. Opening my mouth would destroy the peace and happiness of those people along with their relationship to each other.

This person is like a sibling to me, closer than mere acquaintance, closer than mere friend. I don't want to lose that. Imagine, if you will, that it was you in this sort of situation (including the lack of many other friends and a severe lack of ability to make new friends), and it was your two closest friends involved. Would you think the same way so readily?

I don't make friends readily. I work with people very well but that emotional connection... not so much. I need something in common with people, something that we're both working on, to be able to talk to them for any significant length of time. Some problem, some purpose in it all. When I'm drunk I sort of get it, their stories are interesting, their emotional reactions produce emotional reactions in me... people are worth more.

But by and large... no. Don't get me wrong, I can share a joke and shoot the shit, so to speak, with almost anyone. I can get along with people fine. But... yeah, more than that. Lasting emotional entanglement. Very rare, and generally with people I've spoken to on the internet who share my interests.

There are a few people I've known for seven or eight years over in the 'states who probably qualify as friends and who I'd be disappointed to see go. All of which said, it would be disappointment - if I got the impression they were terrible people, I wouldn't feel bad about getting rid of them. I'd feel bad for discovering that they were terrible people. But that discovery would be the end of the relationship - anything that lived thereafter would be a farce.

For me, it really would be as simple as: this person is untrustworthy, they just screwed a friend over, and however I feel about them they're likely to feel about me in more or less the same way that they do the friend they just screwed over - or at least, I've no reason to trust that they should treat me any better than they treated them. At the point I reasoned that, I would cease to consider them a friend and feel about them in certain ways.

To me it wouldn't be a question of two friends, it would be a question of one friend and one imposter. But, hey, at the end of the day you feel how you feel - if you don't feel in the same sort of patterns as me :lookaround: ...

Ya' know, if you're doing this because you think the two of them will be better off preserving their relationship. That doesn't strike me as a bad reason to keep the secret either. I probably wouldn't think that way if I thought the defecting party was likely to do something similar again. But if you think that, and if your emotions are pushing you in this direction anyway, then you may as well go with that. :uhm:




Ryojin

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#8 3 years ago

I may have unintentionally given the impression that this person is a bad person or does stuff like this often. This is not the case.

Nemmerle;5758601 Ya' know, if you're doing this because you think the two of them will be better off preserving their relationship. That doesn't strike me as a bad reason to keep the secret either.[/QUOTE]

Preserving relationships is one of the only reasons I have to keep this secret. That, and I have a hard time turning my back on people, especially those I care about so much.

But here comes the part where I am struggling with this idea... Is it okay to do something so dishonest to those I care about, even for a good reason such as that?

Nemmerle;5758601 I probably wouldn't think that way if I thought the defecting party was likely to do something similar again.

I don't think that something similar to this would happen again, I just think that some unreasonable behavior of some sort is likely at some point in the future, although it likely wouldn't be nearly as big a deal as this instance is. Additionally, the circumstances that allowed for this event to happen in the first place have changed greatly, now that I stop to think about it some more, making this type of event even less likely to happen again.

[QUOTE=Nemmerle;5758601] But if you think that, and if your emotions are pushing you in this direction anyway, then you may as well go with that. :uhm:

My emotions are pushing me both ways. If it was one sided, then it would be an easy choice for me. I guess it does seem kinda one sided, but that's because I feel that arguing for the other choice is redundant when there's already someone doing so.

I suppose one might say I am trying to get the best arguments for both choices side by side so that I can make the choice a little more easily. Problem is, the best arguments can't be presented without more information, which I am unwilling to give. I wish I could feel comfortable giving out more details, but I can't. I know that certain people that I know who can't keep secrets sometimes visit this place, and I just can't risk giving out too much detail in case I choose to keep the secret. I have to keep things as vague as possible so that even if the people involved read this, they wouldn't know I was talking about them.

I don't know what I was thinking when I made this thread. Maybe it was the hope that simply talking about it would help me feel less stressed out about the whole thing, even if it wouldn't help me make the actual choice... Maybe I just wanted to run my mind in circles until it was tired enough for sleep... Maybe I am using this thread as a way to tell the secret without actually telling the secret... I dunno. Too much stress, too little sleep.

Now that it is past 11am, I think I'll try once again to get some sleep. Hopefully I will actually get some this time. If you (or anyone else for that matter) have any further arguments for either choice I am faced with, I'd love to hear it.


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#9 3 years ago

Isn't there any chance the wronged would be willing to make amends with the wrongdoer? I doubt it, but you could still think about trying to preserve the relationship if you tell them. Generally, a relationship participant's happiness shouldn't be based on a lie.




Granyaski VIP Member

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#10 3 years ago

Could you not speak to the "wrongdoer" and tell him/her that the other person deserves to know? Remind them you are friends with both of them and say what they have done is wrong and they should own up?

If they get annoyed and defensive remind them that it is fact they who are in the wrong and you aren't taking sides; you are saying "shouldn't of been a dick".




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