Jokes (Lots and lots of jokes) 113 replies

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blacklightning

AKA UltimateTrekkie_Borgified

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12th November 2005

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#1 12 years ago

I don't mean any offense to anyone with any of these jokes! OK! A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female" Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White" Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up! All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today. 2. There is no bag limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhart.

They expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.




Raasclot

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15th February 2006

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#2 12 years ago

lol lol lol very funny man, nice 1 lol :D:D:D




blacklightning

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#3 12 years ago

I've got tons of this stuff lying around. I'll try and find some more because this was kind of rushed I only had a few minutes to put this stuff on. Feel free to post your own.




Raasclot

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#4 12 years ago

lol ok cool nice 1 mate




blacklightning

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#5 12 years ago

[COLOR=white]A few small ones because i've lost the main files with jokes in.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white][/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Jedi Master Yoda I am. Fail English I did.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white][/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white][/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?[/COLOR] [COLOR=white][/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white][/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.[/COLOR] Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. Double your drive space - delete Windows! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.




Raasclot

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#6 12 years ago

lol lol lol




Cap'n Rommel

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7th August 2004

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#7 12 years ago

[COLOR=white][/COLOR]

[COLOR=white]A few small ones because i've lost the main files with jokes in.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Jedi Master Yoda I am. Fail English I did.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.[/COLOR] Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. Double your drive space - delete Windows! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

hahar.. good one.




Cattman2236

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10th June 2004

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#8 12 years ago

Microsoft VS. GM At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."




Cap'n Rommel

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#9 12 years ago

ohhh...yeah greens for giving us that one:p




blacklightning

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#10 12 years ago

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

A Lion, a bear and a chicken all meet up... "I'm so fierce," says the Lion, "all I have to do is roar and the whole savannah quakes with fear..." "Hah, I'm so fierce," says the bear, "all I have to do is growl and the entire forest runs" "That's nothing," says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough and the whole planet sh*ts itself!"