Go ahead and enjoy. you can use if you wish: "There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. " "Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value" It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Abandon the search for Truth... settle for a good fantasy "When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail." According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'. till you can find a rock." "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "I don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it. "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles." "Ho! Haha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! **" For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I can only please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. "Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once." The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. It is much easier to beg forgivness than to ask permission. Do unto others, then run..................... The Second Amendment is the RESET button of the United States Constitution. Caffeine is your friend It's impossible to make something foolproof, because fools are SO ingenious!!! Beware! Beware! Be a very wary Bear! The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." Black holes are where God divides by zero "Tax and tax, spend and spend, elect and elect." After 69 years, it's still working. I love cats. They taste like chicken Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Remember, it is not paranoia if they really are out to get you An elephant is a mouse built to government specs After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Ask me about my vow of silence How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you are on. In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. Friction is a drag. The client who pays the least complains the most. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - W.C. Fields Careful planning will never replace dumb luck. Judge Ito, now that the trial is over - may I please have my gloves back. - OJ The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Don't force it - - get a larger hammer The chance of bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on Tornadoes are God's way of telling us He hates trailer parks. Beauty is only skin deep - ugly goes to the bone. I tried switching to gum, but I couldn't keep it lit. There are no atheists in foxholes. - William Thomas Cummings Life without danger is a waste of oxygen. "I am logged in, therefore I am." The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL? Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources. God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries. My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him. Half of the people in the world are below average. Life in a vacuum sucks. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Computers can never replace human stupidity On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this zip disk? Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Film at 11. "Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4." "I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. Black holes really suck... Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. Feel lucky???? Upgrade your software! I am built for comfort, not speed! I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull. Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight! The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste. Jesus is coming, look busy Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work. 9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and... some days you're the statue Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. I doubt, therefore I might be. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Someday I'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic to the average user. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? "Being right too soon is socially unacceptable." -- R. A. Heinlein 2 things I try to live by: If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. and...Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. "Suicide Hotline...please hold." All work and no play, will make you a manager. Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up! Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool! Concorde: Breakfast in London Lunch in New York Luggage in Bombay The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in Profanity is the linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards With the Mach 5 sabotaged, there was only one way Speed could win the race... ein sehr schnelles GTI! This message was printed with recycled electrons Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up..." My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before. We may all be "toast", but must continue probing the toaster with a fork until the issues are resolved. "Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." "National borders are just speed bumps on the information superhighway" "I'm a felon under an increasing number of laws" Y2K: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and enjoy the ride. Modern inductive method: 1) Devise hypothesis. 2) Apply for grant. 3) Perform experiments. 4) Revise data to fit hypothesis. 5) Publish. If all the muscles in your body pulled in the same direction, you could lift over twenty tons. But you'd walk funny. - L. M. Boyd You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. Cat - The other, other white meat. also by Sniches: "Voices Inside my Head - The Unauthorized Autobiography" How to fix your Windows Application when it doesn't work: (1) Stop and start the program (2) Log in and log out again (3) Reboot the machine (4) Reinstall the application again (5) Reinstall the operating system (6) Dance naked around the machine, waving a rubber chicken (7) "Take your machine back for servicing" If brute force doesn't work, you aren't using enough. "A computer is a high-speed idiot. A robot is a high-speed idiot with a hammer." "Sacred cows make the best hamburgers." -- Mark Twain Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Never miss a good chance to shut up. "A troll is someone who, finding that no-one likes them, decides to pretend that it's on purpose." - Paul Crowley "Giving money and power to politicians is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boy." "Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you!" "If you can, remain calm.... you just don't have all the facts." "Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code." "A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant." "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." From a newspaper advertisement: "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children." "As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a lot of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way." "Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to." "If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?" You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us! Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. "The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead." - Anonymous THESE TAGLINES ARE MENT FOR HUMOR NOT TO BE TAKEN SEARIOUSLY
I'll post some too! These ads are real btw. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
The dog one appeared too.
I don't get it...:Puzzled:
Best misunderstood Ad ever:
" Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Must be a damn horrible supper: " Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow." Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.