Need some advice once again!! -Sigh- 10 replies

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#1 6 years ago

I'm seeking some advice once again. It's a lot bigger this time and I'm not really sure how to handle this situation.

Before I get into the problem, your going to need a background story first.

My mom has always been the kind of person that puts herself before her child. Growing up she would say "I'll be gone for an hour" and ended up being anywhere from 5 to 8 hrs. Now you can imagine as small children how that could make you feel. I remember me and my little sisters standing at the window crying waiting for her because we never knew where the hell she was. That didn't change when she got a cell phone! Never answers, even today we will text her or call her. She makes up these lies that she has no service or her phone broke. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd be pretty rich. We never get to see her much, either she is out with friends at the bar, with her boyfriend or whatever. (Like to mention my Mom is only 39, looks like shes 26.) So for years me and my sisters ask to see her, spend time with her, because it seems she never wants too. Never tries to get a hold of her daughters or anything. So when we say "Mom, we miss you a lot! Can we spend more time together?" She makes up and excuse and somehow makes us girls to be the bad people. It hurts a lot to have a Mother who isn't there, who makes promises and can never keep them.

Anywho, now you have a small idea of what my mom is like, I could go on for hours, but this isn't about me and hers relationship.

Over a year ago her and my youngest sister had to move in with my grandparents (Who knew my mother can't control her money and lucky for me and my other sister we are already on our own). My mom is a hair stylist and wanted to open her own shop, found a place and said "I really need the money this is only going to take two months to remodel at most and it will be open for business" Yeah right. She is still fixing it up and it's been over a year, looks good, could of been open in those two months. Well, she ended up moving into the shop and leaving my little sister with my grandparents.

Me and my sisters love our grandparents more then anything, but they can be a handful sometimes. So my little sister moved out and stayed at a friends house. Me and my other sister knew the house wasn't great, but we let it go.

Then, come to find out about three months ago my sister is living with her boyfriend. Now, I know a lot about this guy. He has done tons of drugs, sells drugs, been in prison, known to be a big time cheater, no job, didn't graduate High School, no car, etc. List can go on. So being the big sister I am, I got worried. This guy isn't good and neither is the household. So I told my Mom and my Dad. My Mom really didn't do anything. And my Dad well, my sister just begged to stay. She said he changed and isn't like any of that anymore. So everyone let it go.

Now to last Monday. She told me and my sister she is pregnant. She isn't ready for this child. She has always been a strong person, always working, finished High School early and was going to go to college. But things have changed. She is scared. Then she told us about her boyfriend, he threaten her if she left him she would take her to court and take the baby away. Which we know he could never win. But she went on to telling us that he screams at her a lot, throws and breaks her things and pretty much never allows her to see her friends anymore. She told us she wanted to leave him. So me and my sister went to the house to help he grab her things. The house was disgusting! Rooms at no doors, and the ones the did had giant holes in them, it stunk so bad that I had to stand outside or I was going to puke. Clothes every where and everything looked wet.

We went to my Moms shop and told her. She covered her face for a good 15 mins not saying a word, then told us we had to leave because someone was coming over and she didn't want them to see her "upset".

So the plan was for her to live with my other sister for awhile. Perhaps even move in with my father, which would be a great idea! She would have a car there, food in the fridge, her own room and bathroom, any kind of help she needed. But she refused to live with him. So her and sister decided when the lease is up they will get a place together. Which is a good idea also. My sister already has two children, and she was the same age as my little sister when she got pregnant with her first child. So she knows what my little sister is going threw. Me on the other hand, my pregnancy was planned.

Her boyfriend ended up coming over that night to talk to her saying "I love you more then anything! I promise I won't get mad anymore!! I will get a job, blah blah blah!" Well my sister believes him and moved back in with him. WTF?

So here is where I need advice. I should just stay out of it huh? She made her choice to go back to douche bag and live in a disgusting house. She turns 18 in a month and there will be nothing we could do anyway. Just I'm worried for the baby, that is no place to raise a child. She is already two months and hasn't been to the doctor yet, they have no transportation or anything.

I am just worried about my baby sister. It kills me to see her in this situation. I want to help, but it looks like she made her choice. Her boyfriend is a horrible person. I had a friend who dated someone like my sisters boyfriend, started out yelling and in time he was hitting her. I don't want my sister to go threw that. My father cares, but there is only so much he can do and my mom, well she could go on caring only for herself.

(Btw, don't mention abortion, me and my family are highly against it, it's not going to happen. We believe every baby has a chance at life).

I'm to the point where I know that she is old enough to make her own choices and I should leave it be.

I just cant help but to blame my mom for all of this. For never being there for any of us girls. For leaving my little sister.




FileTrekker Über Admin

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#2 6 years ago

You have a fine line to walk unfortunately, one that will be very hard for you.

Your sister is clearly in love with this guy, despite the fact he is bad for her. Your instinct, and rightly so, is to try and get your sister away from him, but if you try too hard she'll always end up siding with him, in the end.

You'll never be able to stay out of it, but you have to be careful that you don't end up pushing your sister further away from you by opposing her boyfriend to the point that it's you or him. You have to try and make her see for herself how he hasn't really changed, and from my experience, people like that never will.

How you get your sister to see sense, however, is something I wish I knew the answer too, but I don't. But whatever you do I'd just be careful how you handle it. But don't stay out of it entirely, she'll need you to support her when she does realise how much of an idiot this guy is.

Good luck.


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Goody. VIP Member

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#3 6 years ago

Wow that's a post and a a half. First off your Mum. Sounds to me she had kids far too young and has resented that "lost" time. A shame really because the time spent with your kids is the most precious thing ever. Do not beat yourself up over that it was not your fault or your siblings and still isn't. Take a deep breath lift your chin up and know that it is not how your child is going to think of you.

Now your sister, FileTrekker is pretty much spot on about walking a fine line but I have a feeling that it is something you probably are pretty good at already due to a bad parent and being the oldest sister. This guy is going to be in her life no matter what now because she is going to have his kid. There is nothing you or anyone can do about that (yet) All you can do is be there for her and maybe be a bit more hands on without being obvious that your really making sure she is clean and fed.

It will end and be ready for it. She will see sense it may take a month it may take a year but just keep checking that she is ok but most importantly is don't be judgemental. She needs to know that she can walk out and have somewhere to walk out too. When that happens then you can start to make a difference and influence her opinion.

Edit For the record no she is not old enough to make her own choices on something like this. However the choice has been made all you can do is help her make sense of it and once she gets over seeing things from day to day and starts to look forward then be there to help.




Huffardo

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#4 6 years ago

Could you get social services involved? At the very least they can take the baby away from the filth if she is determined to follow that path all the way down.




Lindale Forum Mod

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#5 6 years ago

[COLOR=SeaGreen]In such a situation, an intervention may indeed be very necessary. I encountered a situation very similar in my youth. The woman was being abused, but kept going back because she THOUGHT she was in love with him. My instincts wanted to help, but my friends and parents wanted me to stay out. Ignoring even my Mother, I followed my instincts. Turns out that I was correct all along. Us true friends of her rallied together into an army, helped her move into her own place, and helped her file a restraining order. When we were helping her move out, the police came to arrest the bastard. Thankfully, we have not seen or heard from him since. Since that day, the woman has turned her life around entirely. She stopped smoking, got a good paying job, married a great man who truly does love her, and they even have 2 darling children. TL;DR: Trust your instincts, and take action against this horrid man. Your sister's very life may eventually depend on it. [/COLOR]


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RadioactiveLobster Forum Admin

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#6 6 years ago

FT and Goody pretty much summed up my thoughts.

I would def keep the option of going to Social Services or the authorities if you ever feel the baby or your sisters life is in danger. She may hate you for it for a while but in the end it may be the best option


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Nemmerle Forum Mod

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#7 6 years ago

If he still sells drugs, that's a lovely vulnerability. Especially if your state counts it as a felony and has a three strikes law. Could always have someone, anonymously, tip off the local cops.

Don't ask if he does and then do it though, obviously. He, or your sister, would probably make the connection - at least if you didn't separate the events by a reasonable distance of time.

I think the main questions here are: 'How can the guy be removed from the picture?' and 'What degree of force are you're willing to use to do so?' Your options seem like they're going to be strongly determined by what opportunities you see for the former and whether you're prepared to grasp them.

He'll probably fuck up in some way you can take advantage of, if you hang around. He's been arrested before so he's obviously not very smart.




Crazy Wolf VIP Member

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#8 6 years ago

Sounds like she's in an abusive relationship. Having a child with this man will only further cement his hold on her. He will probably not change for the better, and will continue doing what he wants to. I would suggest that which you said not to mention. The environment you are describing in an incredibly unhealthy thing for a child to be brought into, and will likely damage the mother, father, and child (with the mother and child receiving the brunt of the damage). Actually, the stress, poor health, or violence that she has to deal with could very well contribute to a miscarriage, which is a total loss for the fetus and presents serious problems for the mother.

He definitely needs to be out of the picture. If that requires police involvement, then do so.

Has your sister considered adoption? Having a kid before you're ready to really, really changes your life. There's nothing stopping her from having another kid when she's not in this horrible, horrible situation.




Kilobyte

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#9 6 years ago
LustyxChan;5628437I just cant help but to blame my mom for all of this. For never being there for any of us girls. For leaving my little sister.

She may be to blame, but that doesn't matter now. What is done, is done, and blaming her accomplishes nothing, it just makes you bitter. Your mother has nothing to do with the situation now.

These guys have plenty of good advice. You need to work with your Father, and get her out of that situation.

Nem's right, the guy screwed up once, and hasn't learned his lesson. The only question is how and when, and what the collateral damage will be. Which like Crazy Wolf mentioned, could result in a miscarraige.

Master Lindale's experience could help you. As so many have mentioned, your sister will not listen to your counsel alone. She will not willingly file a restraining order, or stand up for herself. She is willingly under his control.

If you try to get her out by yourself, you will risk damaging your relationship with her, and she may start blaming you for any problems with her boyfriend. You need a small army of supporters. Multiple counselors to prove to her that you are acting in her best interests. You can't be there all the time, and her will power is weak.

She needs to spend some time away from him, living a normal life, to realize just how bad that situation was.




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#10 6 years ago

We are slowly trying to make her realize the environment she is in is horrible. Today, my father told me he is telling her if she doesn't move out of that house soon, and by the time the child is born, he will have the baby taken away. And he will take care of the child, which I support 100 percent.

Adoption isn't really an option, even if my sister wanted too, I know without a doubt someone in my family would take care of the baby.

It's going to be hard showing her how awful this guys is, she has been mad at me once for pointing it out and telling our parents.

I always remember talking to her about how stupid girls are who go back to abusive relationships. And now look at her, she thinks she is in love with him.. and will go threw the abuse.

You guys are right, I can't just leave her on her own with this. If she needs me I will be there for her, but I will try my best to make it easy and not turn this into a fight. I don't want it to get to the point where her boyfriend will forbid her to see her family and she will listen to him. She use to be one of the most independent people I know... I just don't know where it all went wrong..

I do like what you guys said, I need to get people together and find a way to get her away from this jerk. Find her a good place to stay.

The only drug that I know he still does it smoke weed.

Here is what I am thinking. If she isn't in a better place in a month (out of that house) then I am putting my foot down. I'll send someone to her house to inspect it, and they will see how horrible it is.




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