Poetry 9 replies

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#1 11 years ago

Just figured I would post some more poetry that I've written. This is what happens when I have nothing to do and some inspiration. The grammer might not e perfect but it's poetry, so it doesn't much matter to me. I just write however seems right. Untouchable Love

She’s untouchable Frustration undeniable Love unlovable But unmovable I’m insatiable Forever incapable Seems inconceivable So incredible She’s unattainable I’m undauntable Love inevitable Love indelible Lost Above

Lost and found and Heaven bound. I found my soul among the skies. Leaving ground, it makes that sound. I leave the Earth and begin to rise. Her pearls and lace admit my grace, And sun clad dancers greet my eyes. I get a taste and there’s no other place on Earth where my dream flies. Only beyond with wings donned, Do my ears perceive your cries. But the vagabond cannot respond, When wandering the skies.




Lord Rumpuss V VIP Member

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#2 11 years ago

Nice!! Good that someone here still has a taste for originality and damn good poetry to boot!!


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Junk angel

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#3 11 years ago

I like the second sooo much

the first one seems a bit too repetitive, with everything except one line ending with able. But that might be taken as something nice as well




darkclone

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#4 11 years ago

Repetition and patterns are part of poetry, wraithcat, I think the first is better than the second, however they're both great ;)




Junk angel

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#5 11 years ago

i know that some patters are part of poetry, but I prefer poems were the pattern is not so obvious




Sh0wdowN

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#6 11 years ago

I like traditional poems and sonnets; not this kind, as there are too many or too few syllables in the lines that are supposed to rhyme. The poem isn't fluid, and therefore I personally don't like it. I also feel that you've tried too hard to have the last word on each line to rhyme with each other (ABAB), as there isn't really all that much sense. The lines aren't strung together, it seems like just a random mixture of abstract descriptions of various random things. While poems and all that should retain a certain sense of abstractionism; or, even be ridiculously abstract to openly allow for personal interpretation, there should be an order and a connection between everything said in the poem. All the pieces in the poem should be linked together, which is an additional piece that I feel is missing here.




Junk angel

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#7 11 years ago

for inspiration how not to do a poem, look at early futurism we were taking it a while ago and I want, like huh? what the hell is this!

Still nothing beats the raven or fleurs du mal




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#8 11 years ago
Sh0wdowN;3674069I like traditional poems and sonnets; not this kind, as there are too many or too few syllables in the lines that are supposed to rhyme. The poem isn't fluid, and therefore I personally don't like it. I also feel that you've tried too hard to have the last word on each line to rhyme with each other (ABAB), as there isn't really all that much sense. The lines aren't strung together, it seems like just a random mixture of abstract descriptions of various random things. While poems and all that should retain a certain sense of abstractionism; or, even be ridiculously abstract to openly allow for personal interpretation, there should be an order and a connection between everything said in the poem. All the pieces in the poem should be linked together, which is an additional piece that I feel is missing here.

A very much appreciate your criticism as I am always looking to become a better writer. I can understand not seeing the links between the different lines so I'll explain them, even though I prefer not to explain poetry.

The first poem is about a man who has fallen in love with a woman who already has her own lover, hence untouchable love. But the man is resolute in his love despite the fact that he has no chance. I hope that may explain a little better some of the word choices i made and maybe shows how the poem is more cohesive.

The second one is really just a poem about my love for flying. The first stanza is saying I was lost before I found flying, but now that I found it I'm "heaven" bound, and hence I found my soul among the skies. The third line in the stanza is referring to how the aircraft sounds as it begins to life off from the runway, and so I can understand not seeing the connection between the third and fourth line as you would have to have flown a plane before to understand.

The second stanza starts off by saying the clouds(pearls and lace) are where I am flying (admit my grace, grace=flying in this case) The sun clad dancers are the rays of the sun gleaming down. The final two lines in the stanza are saying that now that I've gotten a taste of flying there is nothing else I would rather do.

In the final stanza "your" cries are the cries of Earth calling out to bring me back down(gravity, basically), hence why I only hear them with wings donned(wings donned = flying) but the vagabond(a person who wanders) cannot respond while in the skies. In other words I ignore "her" calls and stay in the sky.

That might explain the second poem a bit better. And I understand they aren't "classical" poems but I prefer to just write however things come to me as opposed to a strict writing pattern set down by someone else. I do very much appreciate your criticism though, and I appreciate the compliments of the others' as well.




Rich19

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#9 11 years ago

The second is great! The first is good, but it sounds more like song lyrics than poetry to me. :p Still, both are better than anything I could do.




MALESTROM

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#10 11 years ago

I love the second one man, but here's one.... -Sonnet- ...Life is all about change, from the cradle to the grave... ...In a never ending struggle to make money... ...Few people get off easy, others work off like slaves... ...Some people are real friends, some people just funny... ...The shift from childhood, all the way to the top... ...If you don't make it, rot and decay.... ...If hopen given up, plummet and drop... ...Life can be cold like December, or warmthful like May... ...Life has it's bright times, sun rays and light bulbs... ...So we keep our heads up, for better days... ...Fighting the shake off death so keep tight pulls like pitbulls... ...We continue to kick push, the Fiasco way... ...In our hearts we speak music, flutes and fiddles... ...So happiness binds us, now with laughter and play... ...While attempting to uncover the secrets and riddles... -Free Verse- ...They say violence stems from broken homes, families torn apart... ...But it's really because of ones misfortune and a broken heart.... ...The product of heated love, isn't one to carry well... ...Livin the life of anarchy, destined to burn in hell... ...Nation full of promises, but neevr keeps them... ...Talks out the rear end, never keeps, only speaks them... ...Sometimes a broken heart, isn't easy to fix... ...Riddled with pain and sorrow, from all the lies and tricks... ...But with a little love and affection, it can make the pain rewind... ...Take you back to a happier place, a favored point and time...