Post your funniest jokes in here! 6 replies

Please wait...

Guest

I didn't make it!

0 XP

 
#1 12 years ago

I'll start:

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place.

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

3rd Place.

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, and parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize". But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer?"

1st Place. And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked,"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

-----

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Alex standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO" "But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." A few minutes later the teacher says "OH.that's not my bellybutton."And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

----

Harry The Boy Genius

A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office,the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut"

Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Harry: "Shake hands".

Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep".

Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do". Harry: "Tent"

Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first". The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good". Harry: "Nose"

Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver". Harry: "Arrow"

Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

---

Post more, this 'will' be fun! :rofl:




Lyon

90% sarcastic

50 XP

9th July 2003

0 Uploads

6,161 Posts

0 Threads

#2 12 years ago

Lol, those are pretty good. I've got none on me right now, but I did enjoy reading that.




The One and Only VIP Member

I R Scary Eyeball

47,311 XP

16th October 2006

6 Uploads

4,091 Posts

256 Threads

#3 12 years ago

Ah, but fire truck is two words.




Guest

I didn't make it!

0 XP

 
#4 12 years ago

do they have to be clean jokes?




The One and Only VIP Member

I R Scary Eyeball

47,311 XP

16th October 2006

6 Uploads

4,091 Posts

256 Threads

#5 12 years ago

Were his jokes clean jokes?




colonel_bob

Here & There

50 XP

4th June 2004

0 Uploads

6,685 Posts

0 Threads

#6 12 years ago

Alright, I'll preface this with the fact that I was raised Catholic, and I'm an Eagle Scout, so that makes it all alright: So, there is a chartered flight to Mexico flying from the US. On board are a pilot, a lawyer, a priest, and a Boyscout leader with two of his Boyscouts. Suddenly, the engine on the plane explodes, and it starts going down. The pilot immediately says "Well, fuck this, I don't get paid enough for this," grabs one of the parachutes, and bails. This leaves the remaining passengers in quite a conundrum: there are only two parachutes left. So, as the plane is going down, they try to figure out who should get these last two parachutes. The Boy Scout leader turns to the other adults and says, "Guys, I think my two Boy Scouts should get the parachutes. They're young, they're natural born leaders, and they have their whole lives ahead of them." The lawyer looks at the Boy Scout leader, and exclaims indignantly, "the Boy Scouts? Fuck the Boy Scouts!" The priest looks at the the lawyer, and replies with, "Do we even have time?"




Guest

I didn't make it!

0 XP

 
#7 12 years ago
bluemaggit;3821706do they have to be clean jokes?

Not at all. ;)

@colonel_bob

LMAO! Nice one. :lol:

@topic - some more

Once an atheist explorer goes into a deep dark jungle of some African state. In between he comes across a group of tribals surrounding him, he cries"Oh God!I am screwed."

Then there comes a light rayfrom the sky and he hears the GOD telling him, "You see that rock lying near your feet?Using it smash the head of the tribal headman who is standing right in front of you."

Hearing this the atheist took up the rock and smashed the head of the headsman and kept on hitting him until the headsman died.All the other tribal people looked horrified at him.

Then GOD said,"Ok,Now you are really screwed up."

----

Tansen was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire.

Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.

Tansen agreed. The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva ! was only in Tansen 's mouth.

Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours Tansen violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired. Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact shooed him away.

Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself. What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day......

Scroll down .......

!

!

"Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear"

----

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. "Hi honey, are you at the club?" "Yes, dear." "Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window." "How much is it, dear?" "They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?" "But you already have fur coats?" "Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!" "Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!" "Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think??" "Honey, come on, we already have cars!" "You promised me that I could get a convertible!" "How much is it?" "You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!" "OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!" "I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!" "I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?" "Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!" "How much is it listed at?" "Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!" "I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000." "This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!" "See you tonight dear." The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who`s phone is this?"

----

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

---

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" "Yes, it is," the man replies. "You want to buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" the boy starts. "Yes, it is," replies the man. "Want to buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy`s father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we`ll play some catch." "I can`t. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! That`s thievery! I`m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" "Don`t you start that $hit in here now," the priest says. *

--

59420162kb0.jpg

11823269gk3.jpg

71944499le3.jpg