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Covin Narcissus

Love is all.

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29th July 2003

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#1 16 years ago

Found this somewhere, thought I should post it up, enjoy!

So you've found a forum or newsgroup that seems to be very interesting to you, yet you've got no clue how to "break yourself in" and introduce yourself to the forums regulars that inhabit the place? Don't worry, just like in real life, when you've got to introduce yourself to an alcohol support group or the gang of thugs who are smashing your car to pieces, the first step is often the most difficult. Realizing that some people need an online "icebreaker", has decided to list and describe all the popular "personalities" people use to fit in to the online world. We sincerely hope this helps in your quest for online acceptance.

• The Confused Newbie

The Confused Newbie displays the actions and coherency of somebody who just finished drinking a 12-pack of Shlitz and stumbled into an unmarked room full of nude Satanists. All posts as the Confused Newbie should be somewhat offtopic and adhere to no particular topic or mindset. The only real rule in being the Confused Newbie is that there is no rules. Post whatever comes to your mind whenever it comes to your mind, and then proceed to act shocked if somebody flames you for starting 40 topics an hour and going on and on about God knows what.

EXAMPLES. The Confused Newbie will post the following messages:

[INDENT]Counter-Strike forum: "Hey guys, what other games do you guys play? I play Quake 3 because I love the net code on my 33.3 modem on my mom's computer! Is Counterstrike a game like Quake 3? Will I like it? thanks a lot guys!!!!! " Star Trek forum: "My friend Maria told me to post here. Maria, are you here? Maria? Hello? Plz reply if you're here! DOES ANYBODY KNOW MARIA HERE? how do i chat on this?" Honda Civic forum: "What music do u guys listen to? I like Marylyn Manson! I hope u dont like the backstyreet Boys LLOLOLOLOLOLOL "[/INDENT]

• The Flamethrower Clone

A great choice if you don't have anything of substance to contribute, you really want people's attention, or you simply can't write 10 words without referencing homosexuality / bodily functions. Your posts should vaguely address the subject at hand (copy and paste a random word from the original topic into your post), but it must be cleverly hidden behind a slew of pointless profanities and other remarks which will make you appear to be a rabid 12-year old with Attention Deficit Disorder. Try to flame anybody and everybody; if somebody ever agrees with you, hold off flaming them at least until they post their next message. It's only common courtesy!

EXAMPLES. The Flamethrower Clone will post the following messages:

[INDENT] Counter-Strike forum: "You fucking faggots don't know shit about Counterstrike you puke lapping shitheads. If you did, you retarded idiots would realize the game fucking sucks gay balls you faggot ass queer homosexuals. Go ask mom to buy you a new game, fag shitheads." Star Trek forum: "Fuck Star Trek, you cocksuckers. All you science fiction geeks are too busy masturbating to 7 of 9 to hold an intelligent conversation, you moronic queer gay fuckers. Go hump a ball for Odo, you stupid queer fags." Honda Civic forum: "HONDA CIVICS ARE FUCKING GAY CARS FOR QUEERS"[/INDENT]

• The Computer Expert

Want the world to know how computer savvy and technologically literate you are? Write as the Computer Expert and you'll be cramming information down the throats of the ignorant public! Nothing quite reveals that you have a large penis like the speed of your CPU and how much RAM you have, so be sure to construct an elaborate sig file which lists every single component in your computer case, ranging from what brand / model floppy drive and CPU fan you're using. After all, there's nothing more exciting than reading about somebody else's computer!

EXAMPLES. The Computer Expert will post the following messages: [INDENT] Counter-Strike forum: "v1.0 runs like shit on my Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler. I used the v23.182736 alpha drivers for my nVidia GeForce 2 Ultra Maximum Pro and even disabled DNVCD caching and boosted the latency rating to 4.19, but it still didn't work. The game is obviously defective." Star Trek forum: "Simply put, a replicator cannot work with a cross grid array alignment issue as they suggest. When I built my Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler, I tried that and the performance on WinBenchMarkProLiteUltraStandardProII dropped 38%. It's technically impossible." Honda Civic forums: "The mere thought of needing a car, since I never leave my house, is ludicrous. Athlon 800 oced to 1523 with 1028 megs of Mushkin SSDR-DDR-QRAM on an Abit VHS-1100 mobo dual booting Linux Blackhead and a beta of Whistler."[/INDENT]

• The MENSA Troll

The MENSA Troll shares many characteristics of The Flamethrower Clone, but this style of poster refrains from writing as many blatant homosexual overtones. The general gist of all the MENSA Trolls' posts should hint at the idea that the MENSA Troll is the smartest creature in the world, and every time he posts a message, it is for the sole purpose of manipulating others on the forum. It doesn't matter what reaction he gets from anything he writes because the MENSA Troll can justify anything he wants. If, for some reason he is not able to justify it, he should ignore it completely and avoid the subject. Under NO circumstances should the MENSA Troll respond to anybody's criticisms of him; he should instead continue to criticize everybody else and avoid engaging in a two-way conversation.

EXAMPLES. The MENSA Troll will post the following messages:

[INDENT] Counter-Strike forum: "It's interesting to see so many of you silly little monkeys jump around and react to my post which created the associative link between Counter-Strike players and certain members of the canine family. Your predictable reactions are exactly what I expected from such a lowbrow, intellectually dead race of Neanderthals who barely possess the ability to use primitive tools. I'm sure it will take you months before your ape-like brains are able to realize that the sniper rifles in v1.0 are shit. Go back to downloading those mp3s you heard on the radio and watching ABC, you pop-culture addicted maggots." Star Trek forums: "It is apparent that many of you lack the ability to comprehend a single one of my posts. If you did, you would understand that you are all pawns on a chessboard I bought and own. You are all merely dancing chimps here to amuse me, and I have the ability to pull your strings and control your every move. If your reactions weren't so banal and tedious, I might be impressed." Honda Civic forum: "You mindless drones will purchase whatever product is placed before your ignorant, easily influenced heads. You are so willing to be manipulated by other people, it is no wonder I am able to bend and shape you into any way I please. Besides, it's common knowledge that the CRX is by far a better deal."[/INDENT]

• Mr. Aggressive

Mr. Aggressive is the perfect personality for anybody who is attempting to get over beatings they suffered from school bullies during 5th grade. By acting like an all-out asshole and threatening physical violence on people you'll clearly never meet, you can benefit from a wonderful stress reducer! Plus people will think you're a tough guy, and they won't be aware you're actually an anemic 14-year old who has to be home schooled because you have a phobia of sunlight and trees. When posting, it helps to remind yourself that you're hidden behind an IP adress and Hotmail account, and nobody's ever been able to track down somebody online because it's nearly impossible thanks to tools like Norton Crashguard and Microsoft Notepad.

EXAMPLES. Mr. Aggressive will post the following messages: [INDENT] Counter-Strike forum: "Oh yeah?!? How about I come over there and shove that Desert Eagle up your ass, you sissy little shit?!?" Star Trek forum: "Oh yeah?!? How about I come over there and shove that phaser up your ass, you sissy little shit?!?" Honda Civic forum: "Oh yeah?!? How about I come over there and shove that Honda Civic forum up your ass, you sissy little shit?!?"[/INDENT]

• Cute Gurl v2.0

By donning the mask of Cute Gurl v2.0, one is given the freedom to write whatever they like while avoiding all traditional forms of grammar and punctuation. Cute Gurl v2.0 is best not used on forums inhabited by males under the age of 20, or else other forum members have a high chance of changing into Mr. Aggressive when responding to posts. Use of emoticons and other ASCII art is highly encouraged, as is the act of referring to everybody as "hunny", "sweetie", and "cutie." In other words, try to be an online slut who's entire diet consists of pig troughs full of sugar. Whenever another Cute Gurl v2.0 comes online, the sheer idiocy in the forums will increase at least twelvefold. The Cute Gurls v2.0 should greet each other with outrageously annoying phrases like "hey baybee!!!!!!!!" and "luv u hunny!!!!!!"

EXAMPLES. Cute Gurl v2.0 will post the following messages:

[INDENT]Counter-Strike forum: "hey whats this game how do i install it thx allot bye!!!!! : P~~~~~~~" Star Trek forum: "u ever see the one with the Tribbels? they were [[[[[SO CUTE]]]]]} can i get those anywhere like stuffed animals or something?!? love ya thx, bye!!!" Honda Civic forum: "do the cars come in red??? thats my boyfriends color and weve been going out for 2 months now hes so cute his names Jeremy and he likes Slipknot!!! thx bye!!! :o)"[/INDENT]

• Ravey Davey

Ravey Davey is into the electronic hip hop techno d&b rave scene! He's an aspiring DJ and attends all the cool warehouse raves with his fellow friends, like hApPy-SaRaH and KANDYKID1241! He knows the difference between dark techstep and goa trance, but he can't really explain it so anybody else would understand. This may or may not be due to the fact that he's been popping acid and ecstasy like aspirin for the past three years. All other forms of music are inferior to the kinds of happy hardcore he spins, and he prides himself on the fact that the list of "artists" he listens to aren't known by anybody else, even their own mothers.

EXAMPLES. Ravey Davey will post the following messages:

[INDENT] Counter-Strike forum: "No but what Im saying is that the maybe the guns should be less poewerfull becuase if yo can take more damage then you will want to play longer/ its not like goseman dosent know what hes doing but maybe he should experiment a bit more with different things or maybe ask peopple what they want instead of doing what he doing now becuase I dont think its workiong?" Star Trek forum: "No thats not what I meant I didnt say that so I dont know why you you thought I did let me say it again: I think that Dep Speace 9 was good but it didnt have it lacked the characters as Voyager and thats its not on anymore and now mayeb they should open their minds up a little bit and realize that they need to be more open minded understand ?" Honda Civid forum: "if anybodys selling good 16 inch subs for under $150 a pair let me know. IM spinning tonight at Incestuous Paradise rave in Cleveland so I wont answer until tomorrow or later if I get the peach e ^_^" [/INDENT]

Covin Narcissus

Love is all.

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29th July 2003

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2,735 Posts

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#2 16 years ago

• The Sensitive Artist

If you're ever posting on a goth / poetry board, you'll definitely want to adopt this persona. The Sensitive Artist has the freedom to place in his sig file as many depressing poems or goth lyrics as they want. If using this personality, be sure to never capitalize anything or use any verb than infers more activity than blinking. Feel free to get into arguments with anybody else on the forum, as long as they're writing about racism, politics, music, or literature. You don't really have to know anything about those topics, just enough to to fill a few sentences with your opinion.

EXAMPLES. The Sensitive Artist will post the following messages:

[indent] Counter-Strike forum: "i understand, but you're not looking at this from all angles. i think trent said it best when he penned 'god money, i'd do anything for you.' counterstrike is just another cruel and heartless game that stresses how human lives are worth nothing more than a couple of dollars. the people who play it are just capitalistic sheep drones." Star Trek forum: "the mere thought of man colonizing space and spreading his filth and disease to other planets makes me sick." Honda Civic forums: "try taking public transportation once in a while. i'm sure everybody here enjoys injecting tons of poisons into the atmosphere and making the planet inhabitable for human life, but i actually want to be able to breathe 5 years from now. head like a hole, dark as your soul. i'd rather die than give you control. head like a hole."[/indent]

• Mr. "I Know a Game Developer"

Ever hear some "behind the scenes" news from somebody remotely associated with the gaming scene? If so, jump into the skin of Mr. "I Know a Game Developer" and prepare to start dropping industry names and rumors as if they're going out of style! Be sure to do a little bit of research beforehand, so you can throw around terms like "Z-buffer" and "anti-aliasing." That way people will really be aware that you know what you're talking about!

EXAMPLES. Mr. "I Know a Game Developer" will post the following messages: [indent] Counter-Strike forum: "I was speaking to my buddy Tim Sweeney at Valve Software and he said Gooseman got an offer from Jason 'Jace' Hall at Microsoft. Jace wants him to work on the sequel to Quake, and concentrate on sound design and multiplayer engine coding. In addition, it will use T&L and DirectOpen GL." Star Trek forum: "Xian at Ritual Entertainment said that they weren't going to license the Quake 2 engine tech to Human Head because Mike Wilson had a falling out with Gabe Newell. As a result, they had to use the Pie in the Sky software for Star Trek: Universe of Betrayal." Honda Civic forums: "It's no Ferrarri... unlike Tim Sweeney's car! JOHN CARMACK!!!"[/indent]

• The Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts

Many scientists can't quite figure out how the Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts finds time to respond to every single thread while still being able to eat and sleep. In addition to being able to post his opinions on every single topic that enters the forum or newsgroup, the Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts is able to insult all newbies and people with less posts than him (ie, everybody else). You see, a true measurement of how cool you are can be linked to your bulk number of posts, not the quality of those posts. Plus, nothing says "hip dude" quite like somebody who spends all their day refreshing a forum page and posting one-line replies just so they can watch their post count increase.

EXAMPLES. The Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts will post the following messages: [indent] Counter-Strike forum: "Oh great, another NEWBIE IDIOT." Star Trek forum: "LOL" Honda Civic forums: "Sure. : )"[/indent]

• Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge

Able to suspend all rational thought and brush off any opposing arguments in repeated acts of deliberate ignorance, Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge has a total of just seven ideas in his mind, and each of them are set in stone. Usually his anger and aggression are directed at large companies or giant organizations that he feels have wronged him in some inexplicable way. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge will never change the subject or write about things that don't have anything to do with his preconceived enemies. If you attempt to argue with him and inject any form of logic or reasoning into his threads, they will either be ignored or met with incoming flames. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge doesn't care about your opinion or the truth, he just cares about voicing his paranoid delusional theories over and over until he is either banned or everybody leaves the forum. The biggest and most vocal forms of Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge are of course Andy Smith and Evil Avatar.

EXAMPLES. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge will post the following messages:

[indent]Counter-Strike forum: "The game flat out sucked because the programmers can't code worth crap. If they could code, they could get the game to work on my Pentium 75 with 32 megs RAM. Screw them, they don't give a shit about customer service and it's all about money to those greedy assholes." Star Trek forum: "Universal Studios is indirectly responsible for my mother's death and I won't give up until they've gone bankrupt or I've caused the president of the company to commit suicide." Honda Civic forums: "Japanese cars are so cheap because the American government has been bought off by Japan. Come on, try to explain all those human rights violations. Try to tell me I'm wrong. You can't, because I'm not."[/indent]

• Anime-Obsessed Freak

Having spent every moment of the day transcribing all of Gohan and crew's dialogue for their DBZ site, the Anime-Obsessed Freak cannot concentrate or focus on anything but Anime. He doesn't ever get turned on unless the object of his affection has a 2-inch waistline and hair the color of a toilet disk. If you post as the Anime-Obsessed Freak, be prepared for a never-ending series of run on sentences, debates regarding the "true meaning" of every conversation between two characters, and in depth discussions about each character's motivation and feelings.

EXAMPLES. The Anime-Obsessed Freak will post the following messages:

[indent]Counter-Strike forum: "I think Vegeta (non SSJ) is MUCH more powerfull than Piccolo durring this time because Sayien bodies are just are made for war, so they gain more power from training than a Namek would for the same amount and quanity of training." Star Trek forum: "IF I EVER HAVE KIDS, THIS IS WHAT I'LL NAME THEM. For a boy: Goten, Gohan, Krillin, Goku, Vegeta, Gogeta. For a girl: Bulma, Pan, Videl. But then my future wife would leave me with lill baby, Bulma, Pan, Videl or Goten, Gohan, Krillin, Goku or Vegeta, and Gogeta. OH WELL!" Honda Civic forums: "The old Kaiou Shin that came out of the sword was actually the Dai Kaiou Shin from 15 generations back (i.e., there were 14 Dai Kaiou Shin that lived and died between him and the one Buu absorbed). One day a witch grabbed his Potara and wore it, causing them to fuse, which gave him some special powers. Someone sealed him in the sword out of fear for these powers."[/indent]

• Derek Smart

There is only one Derek Smart, so (un/fortunately) you cannot adopt his personality. Much like the Candyman, Derek Smart will appear if you merely say his name three times. However, unlike the Candyman, Derek Smart often shows up even if his name wasn't mentioned at all. He has the uncanny ability to instantaneously teleport to anywhere on the Internet within milliseconds, allowing him to begin posting new threads and replies every sixteen seconds. Derek Smart is more prolific than all the previous posters combined, especially when it comes to criticizing any video game ever made. Well, any video game but HIS.

EXAMPLES. Derek Smart will post the following messages: [indent] Counter-Strike forum: "Your $50 makes NO difference to me. It should cost you more than that to earn the priviledge [sic] of insulting me." Star Trek forum: "As far as I know, I did not attack a coke machine." Honda Civic forums: "It's a Beta release. What's that got to do with bug reports?"[/indent]


Alpha Mike Foxtrot

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15th November 2003

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#3 16 years ago

I can't find any that match me...but them agian I am sure otehrs can.....


God Send Death

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10th January 2004

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#4 16 years ago

Haha, some of those are pretty good. Great post (I'd give you karma...but it'd have no effect :p).

Those are all extreme though, I really don't see any that fit me...except maybe kinda nearly almost sorta the Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts



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30th March 2003

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#5 16 years ago

Yea...I'd say I'm leaning towards the Elite/Advanced member...not really anything else. There are people in these forums who fit each of the personas, I could see their names while reading the definitions..:lol:

Thanks for postin' this Covin..


Most loved forum member.

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9th February 2004

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#6 16 years ago

I need someone to profile me.


Unnoticed Asian Guy

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16th December 2003

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355 Posts

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#7 16 years ago
:nodding: CONFUSED NEWBIE'D :nodding:

Mr. Matt Advanced Member


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17th June 2002

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#8 16 years ago

Hehehehe, brilliant. And all so true. I can put names to each of those...



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10th March 2004

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#9 16 years ago

i cant find any like me :(

Dreadnought[DK] Advanced Member

Grumpy Admin

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7th March 2003

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#10 16 years ago

heh, i know a few of them... nice find, covin