put on your funny jokes. 31 replies

Please wait...

WackMaster

Thats Wack for a Fact

50 XP

1st December 2004

0 Uploads

25 Posts

0 Threads

#1 13 years ago

[color=red]i got a couple good ones[/color] Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" [color=red]not my favorite but heres a better one.[/color] Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is." Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit." [color=red]best for last.[/color] One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."




WackMaster

Thats Wack for a Fact

50 XP

1st December 2004

0 Uploads

25 Posts

0 Threads

#2 13 years ago

I have kind of a sick one too. A man sits at a table in a resturant. a waitor comes up and asks him if he would like something. the man orders soup. so the waitor brings out soup for this man. The man says thanks and as he reaches for the napkins he drops his spoon on the floor. the waitor pulls a spoon out of his front shirt pocket and gives it to the man. The man says why do you carry a spoon in your pockett? the waitor says so when someone drops a spoon, i dont have to go back to the kitchen and get one. i have one in my pocket. the man says okay and eats his supper. the waitor comes back and gets the mans check and everything, the man sees that the waitor has a string hanging out of his zipper. the man askes the waitor why he has that he says so when i go to the bathroom i dont need to touch my penis to get it out, i just have to pull the string. The man says how then do you get it back in your pants. the waitor says. Well i dont know how the other guys do it, but i use the spoon.




War Hawk

۞ www.thisisnotporn.com ۞

50 XP

27th January 2004

0 Uploads

8,749 Posts

0 Threads

#3 13 years ago

:lol: Those are great. I had heard the last one before, but its still funny. My favorite is probably the middle one. Here's some of mine: Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies. ------- This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: [indent] "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[/indent]




WackMaster

Thats Wack for a Fact

50 XP

1st December 2004

0 Uploads

25 Posts

0 Threads

#4 13 years ago

:lol: that one was funny. i like the woman one too. i got a blonde one. [color=blue]whats the difference between a 747 and a blonde?[/color] [color=blue]not everyone has been on a 747.[/color]




Donavan

I am the only one who is actually cooler than AzH

50 XP

10th August 2004

0 Uploads

5,934 Posts

0 Threads

#5 13 years ago

:lol: Heres one for the computer geeks. One day I was in a public park, reading "C++ For Dummies" when someone came up and asked me what I was reading. I told him I was reading a book about C++. He responded, "Oh, HTML kicks C++'s @$$."




Guest

I didn't make it!

0 XP

 
#6 13 years ago
Harley Quinn

What ever ya say Mr. J *swoon*

50 XP

2nd April 2005

0 Uploads

13 Posts

0 Threads

#7 13 years ago

A friend posted this on another forum. :rolleyes: Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know: If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep quiet its male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert; if you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist; if you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you aren't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Men die first because they want to




Scientist Dr. Professor

The Old Man

50 XP

4th September 2004

0 Uploads

22,336 Posts

0 Threads

#8 13 years ago

:rofl: That was a good one.




SmallButFiesty

You = not me

50 XP

14th December 2004

0 Uploads

1,055 Posts

0 Threads

#9 13 years ago
War Hawk:lol: Those are great. This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:[indent] "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." [/indent]

:lol: that one is so funny! :lol:




blurb23

I take what n0e says way too seriously

50 XP

28th November 2004

0 Uploads

3,007 Posts

0 Threads

#10 13 years ago

this actually happened to me on Friday (one thing you need to understand is that the people in my class put "Your mom" in front of anything...its a class joke) My Friend: "Awww shit... the research paper... I haven't started that yet!" Me: "It's not due for another 20 days" Another Friend: "Your mom's due in 20 days!"