Relationship Advice. 14 replies

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DarthParrot

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26th August 2007

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#1 4 years ago

And all the readers collectively cried out: Oh here we go again...

But really this is actually not too serious of a issue, I'm just in a weird situation that I haven't handled before, and I'm curious what advice people here might have for how to deal with it. I've been asking a couple friends, but I like to gain multiple perspectives if I can.

So I've been seeing this girl for a while. I like her, but sort of in a comfortable way. Like, I'm interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with her, but honestly I'd also be totally fine just being friends with her; she's a fun person to spend time with under any context, and our friendship is important to me.

I haven't told her directly how I feel yet, but I've been showing my affection through gifts (flowers, music CD's, etc) and personal dates. She seems to be reacting positively to all of this, and we're now spending more time together than we ever have before (but granted, that's only meeting once or twice every other week or so - we're both quite busy).

Now, that's all quite normal - but here's the strange part that I don't know how to deal with. She's just now exiting a bad living situation and is looking for a place to live until Winter. In an unrelated conversation with her, I had mentioned that my place was month to month, and that I am currently looking for a room mate to help mitigate costs. She immediately asked if I'd be interested in rooming with her, I said yes, and now we're drawing up plans for her to possibly move in.

Obviously I was very delighted to hear this, but after thinking about it, I realized that my feelings for her actually make this very complicated. If I don't tell her how I feel, that could potentially make a very awkward situation somewhere down the road if I just bottle up those feelings until they burst. On the other hand, if she is not interested in a relationship, I think that she'd still be an awesome room mate (and it really would be a huge financial help right now), and I'm totally fine just being friends with her if that is what she wants.

I want to talk to her to find out how she feels, but I just can't quite think of the right words. I basically want to convey my interest, but without ruining the possibility of still building an awesome friendship in a room mate situation if she's not interested. I dunno, do you think that that conversation would make things too awkward regardless?

Another thing is that she's been dealing with a lot of stress recently, and the last thing I want to do is make her life more complicated. Still though, I feel like I owe it to both of us to be honest with my feelings - I just need to find the right words...

Anyways, if anyone has thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them! :)




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#2 4 years ago

First things first, let me tell you, if you're considerate enough to think about all this, then it would be strange for her to stop being friends with you if you tell her and she isn't interested in a relationship. You're one of the good guys. Now, with that out of the way. I have never personally experienced a relationship, so I can only tell you what I've observed. I have had a lot of girl friends (friends, not relationships) in the past and I was always the one they would come to for advice. So, I can offer advice, but don't expect me to say what it would be like for me, since I have zero idea. Anyway, after this rather long prologue, I'd advise you to talk with her (as in friendly "prattle") about relationships in general. Try to find out what she thinks, if she has a boyfriend (in case you don't already know if she does), if she would be interested in a relationship. But make sure to keep the discussion in a hypothetical scenario. I can't tell you what to say, I don't know the girl, but don't ask "Hey, how do you feel about relationships?" Just start talking and guide the conversation there somehow. You're a smart guy, I'm sure you're also likeable enough in real life for her to see you as a friend, even if she's not interested. If she hates you after you tell her, then she's not worth your time and you should just move on (easier said than done, but eventually it can happen). However, from what you described she seems reasonable.




MoreGun89

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#3 4 years ago

Uchuu covered it. Best to figure it out awkwardly now, than angrily down the line if someone brings a "friend" home.


Mother Banhammer



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#4 4 years ago

Realistically, any advice I or anyone else can offer you would be based on our own personal experiences with affairs of the heart. We could tell you to sit down and talk with her, buy her flowers, take her for a meal - but at the end of the day we are neither you nor her, we are different people, and different people work in different ways. Unfortunately you're going to have to figure most of this out on your own. Does she seem into you? Are you into her? Is there a spark? There's only one way to find out.

The one piece of advice I CAN give you is to clear this all up BEFORE she moves in, otherwise there is the potential for things to get super awkward very quickly if things go sour whilst she's living with you. Once both of you are happy with how you have defined your relationship and are still content to live together with that knowledge, then you can move forward.




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#5 4 years ago

Since I'm a failure at relationships, the only advice I can offer you is:

Chloroform




Red Menace

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#6 4 years ago

Rookie said it. Ultimately, do what feels right in a way that feels right, but do it before you move in together. The potential for this all to blow up in your face will only increase the longer you wait on having the, dun dun duuuuuuuuuun, relationship talk.


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DarthParrot

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#7 4 years ago

Well, turns out she does not have feelings for me, but she still wants to be friends, so that's good. :)




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#8 4 years ago

That is great actually. And it's nice that you worked up the courage to tell her, it isn't an easy thing to do.




Jeff Über Admin

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#9 4 years ago

DarthParrot;5737886And all the readers collectively cried out: Oh here we go again...

But really this is actually not too serious of a issue, I'm just in a weird situation that I haven't handled before, and I'm curious what advice people here might have for how to deal with it. I've been asking a couple friends, but I like to gain multiple perspectives if I can.

After just exiting an almost 10 year relationship, I'll try to offer any advice I can from the experience I've picked up.

So I've been seeing this girl for a while. I like her, but sort of in a comfortable way. Like, I'm interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with her, but honestly I'd also be totally fine just being friends with her; she's a fun person to spend time with under any context, and our friendship is important to me.

I haven't told her directly how I feel yet, but I've been showing my affection through gifts (flowers, music CD's, etc) and personal dates. She seems to be reacting positively to all of this, and we're now spending more time together than we ever have before (but granted, that's only meeting once or twice every other week or so - we're both quite busy).

Generally, women are a lot smarter than men are at relationships. I'm sure she's picked up on your signs and is just waiting for you to make the move. Giving gifts, especially personal ones such as flowers, are a sign that you do have those feelings. Given she's been very positive, and, from what you've stated, hasn't mentioned that she only wants to view you as a friend, your shot with her is almost a sure thing. I don't like to give certainty, or I would.

Now, that's all quite normal - but here's the strange part that I don't know how to deal with. She's just now exiting a bad living situation and is looking for a place to live until Winter. In an unrelated conversation with her, I had mentioned that my place was month to month, and that I am currently looking for a room mate to help mitigate costs. She immediately asked if I'd be interested in rooming with her, I said yes, and now we're drawing up plans for her to possibly move in.

Let her know how you feel about her. I know this is the hardest part of the entire situation. It's very difficult to open yourself up to this level and let her know how you really feel. But, it's going to hurt you even more if you don't, then due to a lack of any movement on your part, feels as though you only view her as a friend and she finds someone else.

Obviously I was very delighted to hear this, but after thinking about it, I realized that my feelings for her actually make this very complicated. If I don't tell her how I feel, that could potentially make a very awkward situation somewhere down the road if I just bottle up those feelings until they burst. On the other hand, if she is not interested in a relationship, I think that she'd still be an awesome room mate (and it really would be a huge financial help right now), and I'm totally fine just being friends with her if that is what she wants.

Like I said above, you need to make that initial move. From how you're explaining things, she's waiting for you to do it. I cannot be absolutely certain about that, and it's the uncertainty that you're afraid of. But you simply won't know for sure until you talk to her about it. Do you trust her? Do you feel as though you can open yourself up to her about anything on your mind? If so, then no matter what happens, you'll have a positive relationship with her. Even if she doesn't want a romantic one, she'll still want to be in your life in some way.

I want to talk to her to find out how she feels, but I just can't quite think of the right words. I basically want to convey my interest, but without ruining the possibility of still building an awesome friendship in a room mate situation if she's not interested. I dunno, do you think that that conversation would make things too awkward regardless?

Start with how you feel about her and go from there. There's no way to really rehearse a conversation like this. It's all about emotion and very little logic. That's what real love really is.

Another thing is that she's been dealing with a lot of stress recently, and the last thing I want to do is make her life more complicated. Still though, I feel like I owe it to both of us to be honest with my feelings - I just need to find the right words...

Still. Let her know, or it's going to cause you undo stress which will affect your relationship with her. Right now, it sounds like she looks towards you for someone she can depend on that doesn't give her stress. Depending on what this stress is regarding, she may need time to think about everything. Let her do it without question and be patient for an answer. Also, let her know how you feel about just being friends. This will let her know that it's not a "take it or leave it" situation with your feelings towards her.

Anyways, if anyone has thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them! :)

I hope my advice helps!


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DarthParrot

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#10 4 years ago

Thanks n0e, I really appreciate the advice, but I just did that and she said that she doesn't have those feelings for me.

Ah well, I live to fight another day I guess.




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