Russian navy Joke, British navy screwed 8 replies

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Nemmerle Forum Mod

Voice of joy and sunshine

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26th May 2003

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#1 13 years ago

First read this joke:

New information has come to light about the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the Russian submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims.

A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seems very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned. While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. A copy of those tapes has recently come into the hands of NATO intelligence officers, one of whom leaked it to the press..

It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows XP on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Transcript of Portions of the Kursk Log

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade? Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card. Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background] Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to run Windows for the first time'. [long pause] Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time. Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware . . . . A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. Captain: Where are the drivers? Seaman: On the CD-ROM. Captain: You are joking, no? Seaman: No Sir. Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? Captain: I do not think so. Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause] Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles? Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works. Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it? Seaman: I have no idea Sir. Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo . . . . Captain: We will spam a friend later. L et us fire a torpedo. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. Captain: Click on the continue button. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. Captain: Click ignore. W e will get some ink when we return to base. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. We are ready to fire. Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade. Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause] Captain: Well? Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute . . . .

[Loud explosion in the background] Intercom: [Screaming] Captain: What the fuck was that?!?!? Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says, "Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue." Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! Seaman: It is not responding, Sir! Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. . . . Sir! We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause] Seaman: The task manager says "Outlook Fire Control not responding." Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to "End Task". Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! Captain: Holy $@#%! Not the blue screen of death [Loud explosion heard]

Now look at this link

We're so screwed.



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7th November 2003

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#2 13 years ago

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.... Royal navy on windows... Stupid asses up there :p


I would die without GF

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2nd May 2003

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#3 13 years ago

Yeah, this is old news. I am sorry. :vikki:

The joke was funny enough though.

MrFancypants Forum Admin

The Bad

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7th December 2003

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#4 13 years ago

" the Vanguard class boats carry the UK's Trident thermo-nuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles" + "AMS really is committing the Royal Navy to Windows-based command, control and combat management systems" = Infinite stupidity.


I take what n0e says way too seriously

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12th March 2004

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#5 13 years ago

No naval visits,please.

Force Recon

Semper fidelis

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10th July 2004

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#6 13 years ago



Biggest F-ing A-hole 2010

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24th April 2003

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#7 13 years ago

oh my god....tridents under Windows control? You gotta be joking!

Lets just go ahead and play out the entire Terminator 3 Movie. Put our entire damn defence system under the control of 1 Microsoft server....

Spartan VIP Member

Retired Admin

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4th August 2003

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#8 13 years ago
NiteStrykerLets just go ahead and play out the entire Terminator 3 Movie. Put our entire damn defence system under the control of 1 Microsoft server....

Heh, reminds me more of 2001: A Space Odyssey's HAL 9000. :p


World War Two Buff

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2nd July 2005

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#9 13 years ago

lool, nice nice. i bet Billy Gates makes about 5 cents everytime a person presses CTRL+ALT+DELETE