Those that know me by now know that I occasionally make these types of thread. More so often than others. I am going to be emo, so if you are not ready prepare yourselves. This is an issue that even the strongest of men could not help when he is not always that same man.
JECKLE AND HYDE
Yah well I have another issue, the same issue as always. I have little expression around other people anymore. My shield of armor has thickened beyond scrapping off anymore. Around women that like me, I can only whisper a few words. Its not that I do not want to be heard to talk to them but it is simply that by now I just cant. My heart is so very cold and yet bold . When a woman shows interest I am still just as dark as ever before. I notice but I do not engage. I simply look in an opposing direction showing no response, no emotion, no cares in the world.
Seems as if being strong, bold is the only quality I have anymore that I try to impress laddies with as I stand upright, fold my hands show respect. Yet I am so weak when it comes to resolving this problem. When in the situation IT IS UNCONTROLLABLE , LIKE JECKLE AND HYDE . I can not control who I become , I just dont care about anything. As soon as I feel a warmness in my heart I freeze. Tears melt away from within but I never know why or even who it is anymore that cries out. I do not even know if its the better part of me that realizes the evil I am doing or if it is the evil part of me that knows itself all too well. Damn good line.
I can no longer control myself who I am now and who I am when I am around women is just uncontrollable. I can not control my heart now as it loves and loves and I can not control my evilness when I am around what I love.
All that I love now I treat coldly, angerly , aggressively. My family does not even want me around my brother said today
"Get away, no one wants to talk you , you are not a mean bastard"
Recently I have been hurting another girl. Why do I continue, maybe I like to be the one to inflict suffering instead of being the one to suffer .
No one can ever have me , or love me, I wont let them. It is like JECKLE and HYDE . I can no longer control who I am then and now.
And I have no true love in my life, my family is like a pack of surviving wolves. The best memories are from many moons ago before these insane howlings.
Perhaps the only one that loves me anymore is a part of me, the part that makes me cry often, the part that is growing weaker and weaker.
Im not the only one but I admit that I truly believe my chances of making new friends, or ever being with a woman are very slim . My mother always took care of me, showed me love but as I get older every gets more buisy , no one is babied any more, not that I want to be babied but a world of stone figures is a very cold one.
Everyone has these mature talks , and politics and all this shit that I never grew up to understand or give a damn about. No one I know cares as much as I do as being loved, accepted, and being able to share what feelings are left of that with others.
They show me a little love, a little but I can not show them enough, and they all treat me like the worse out of the bunch today my sister said
"Why dont we kick you out of that smelly room, get rid of you and put something useful in there"
If I could climb these stairs, and get to the top again I would but I am off 2 people now. 2 that I have no control over being. I must be these 2 people. I am these 2 people. JECKLE AND HYDE
This whole world is a bunch of drones and my components are still too organic.
Im not afraid to share these issues with words on a screen if I saw your faces I would probably explode. This is the most quiet way this part of me can feed. If it is good or evil I have no clue anymore.
I know professional help would not help anymore because it would be JECKLE seeking it not my HYDE.
This is a real thread, not poetry or some story. I am serious , in case all this J and HYDE business is confusing you.
The problem is always too strong to face on location SO SO SO VERY STRONG. I can not even turn my head to almost look at a girl . The urge to look forward and away is too strong. Once I smiled awhile ago and my face went into a spazzam . I smiled at a girl and my face fought back. A true case of J and HYDE here. I can no longer keep fighting it some day I will be so cold. So mean that life wont be anything more than a technicality .
Well it felt good to get out , no one has to reply.
The smart thing to do would be go out and experience life.
Get a job, volunteer, help someone out on the streets. Do chores.
At the moment you are acting like a parasite and its relaly disugsting. Nothing excuses you to hurt your family, friends, and most of all yourself.
Honestly, fix yourself up. Clean your room. wash the dishes and otherwise help out around the house. be PRESENT. Let people know that your there and that you acren't jsut a rock and a BURDEN on their shoulders.
If it makes you fel better, go to Church or to a place of worship. Talk to a priest.
Nothing excuses you for who you are. You choose to be emo.
GET YOURSELF together, grow some balls. Unless you have are mentally and socially challenged and validly proven that then you should be a productive part of society.
don't take this the wriong way, i'm trying to help you before its too late.
For the Emperor! Knights of Caliban!
16th March 2004
perhaps we should go see a shrink? Sorry not trying to be a dick or anything but we can't give you the pro. help you seem to need.
[color=#000000][size=2][b][i]Heralds of the coming doom, Like the cry of the Raven, we are drawn, This oath of war and vengeance, On a blade of exalted iron sworn, With blood anointed swords
Shrinks don't do anything, tbh. I've seen several and they all do the same thing: Listen, nod, and sap your money. Sometimes they'll offer solutions that are brutally obvious, but that's pretty much it.
I didn't make it!
I second that. In most cases, shrinks are no solution, they're a problem. Milking your money in return for a fake sympathy and understanding.
AS always and as in every thread I have ever made like this. HAHAH Im already feeling like I can make this better alone. The thing is I can make it better I just have to realize that I have to work this out with my HYDE
The solution is to make JECKLE more like HYDE and HYDE more like JECKEL , work on making both better and having the qualities that I want so that I can be one again. When I get emo I make these threads. Thanks for all the posts.
well, man its kinda like you're putting up barriers to keep other people out. i mean from what you've said about your family, they are treating you like shit, and then when you go to school or work or wherever, you put up barriers to avoid those people from treating you like shit. just learn to put out your families words and start finding positive people to hang out with. unfortunately, your family shouldn't be treating you like that. you don't put barriers up at home because that is supposed to be your "safe-haven" but don't worry i'm sure you'll get through it ok. just remember people at the forums care i mean look at all the posts you've gotten. and i swear i'm done with my dr. phil moment.
edit: as for the double personality thing..... i really dont know about that. i havent had much experience with that kind of thing. i suppose you should just try to show as much of yourself as you possibly can, but I also understand that the barrier thing is a defense mechanism so that you dont get hurt. so anyway, i'm done, really! ;)
You are old enough to move away if your family doesn't appreciate you staying at home. Show them that you are smart enough to take care of yourself, visit them at the weekends if they don't mind, but stop being a burden. Cook your own meals, clean your room, buy your own food. Start running outside (and don't make up excuses that aren't backed up by your GP) to vent you frustration, stop focusing on women, try to pull yourself together. Find positive friends, join an interesting club and generally be nice to people, but if you have to, stay away from women for a while not to give your dark side a chance to practice.
I would still recommend going to a shrink, but as you so obviously refuse, talk to someone else experienced with such matters. Your teaching facility probably has a school psychologist or even a school priest who can listen to you and perhaps offer some more professional free advice than we or your fellow students.