Ewiges Leben, Wolf des Südens
24th February 2007
I make a lot of threads with humor intended and I always enjoy a thread with some good humor in even the darkest of topics. Sadly, I am not posting this to amuse myself or with the intent of laughing. Laughing has been getting harder and harder for me for a long time. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I got to this point.
Please do not reply to this post if the above is all tat you have read.
The question: What do you do in such a position?
First a little bit about me. As some know, I live in Phoenix, Arizona. I was born and raise here. As of two weekends ago, I've been in this city for 10 years. Below is a list of the major cross streets from North to South and West to East in what has been my neighborhood since about a year after I was born.
From North to South in order: Union Hills (North Phoenix, 3 miles south of Deer Valley, 1.3 miles south of North Loop 101), Bell Road, Greenway Road/Greenway Parkway, Thunderbird Road, Cactus Road, Shea Boulevard. South of Shea is a mountain range.
From West to East in order: 43rd Avenue, 35th avenue, 19th Avenue (.2 miles East of Interstate 10), 7th Avenue, Central Avenue, 7th Street (Greenway is only 1/4 mile from Bell Road here), 16th Street, Cave Creek Road, 32nd Street, 40th Street, Tatum Boulevard, 56th Street, 64th Street.
Now in that mountain range I mentioned above, there are only three ways to get through from North Phoenix to Central/Downtown Phoenix. Those are Tatum Boulevard (which turns into 44th Street [4400 East] after passing through Paradise Valley [very rich people live there]), the State Route 51 (locally SR-51) which runs at 3600 East and then passes through the mountains at 2200 East (it crosses over where 32nd street would be), and of course 7th Street, which was an artery before Paradise Valley was developed and the SR-51 was installed.
When I was growing up, my first house was on 16th Street and bell. It was my family's first hours, but my father had already left at that point after my mom caught him cheating shortly after my first sister was born (11 months after me). She married #2 who helped with the purchase of the new house. I don't remember much about my early childhood. The two things that are most memorable are a: My mom worked nights whilst step-dad stayed home, step-dad worked days while my mom was home, and b: My step-dad beat the shit out of me every night for the few years that they were married. I developed an anger problem late in kindergarten that would be with me for years to come. My second sister was born and it all changed. The problem was that my mom couldn't stand to be married to a sociopath. Long story short, she divorced #2 and they went their separate ways. My mom got shared custody of my sister. Her father could only see her once every other Wednesday and got her 1 weekend a month. Good riddance to bad people.
1998. I don't remember much about this year. I had given up clarinet in favor of the piano. Music was an untapped ability that I would come to love over the next 10 years. #3.. John. He came in out of nowhere. Now the layout of the neighborhoods at 16th street and bell is as below..
Bell Road Juniper Avenue (Runs parallel to Bell, but curves to meet Bell Road) Phelps Road (Runs parellel to Bell) Kelton Lane (runs parallel) Aire Libre Avenue (runs parallel) 16th place (Runs perpendicular to Bell about 500 feet East of 16th Street) 17th place (runs perpendicular and converges with Juniper 300 feet before Bell.
So growing up with this neighborhood, I had a best friend. He lived on Phelps road and I used to run around the block ever day to hang out with him. My mom became really good friends with his mother and my sisters became good friends with his sister. In comes his uncle.. Uncle John. I had been friends with this kid since I was 4 years old. I was 11 when John started coming around. I'm not sure if it was love or not, but long story short, my mom married the guy. I had a bad feeling, but who listens to a traumatized 11-year-old? Summer, 1999, little brother is born. My mom slips into a light depression.. #2 moves to Kelton Lane, just 2 blocks south of our house. He sells Johna car for $1. Again, cutting a long story short.. We lost the house, the van, my younger sister, and we almost lost my mom. She was in the hospital for months. I can remember staying with my grandparents all winter long. I was too little to comprehend what was happening. I am a very tolerant person.. I can forgive a sociopath.. He's sick in the head... But the cold calculated destruction of our family by John can never be forgiven. He is the only person in this world that I hate. And I may hate him until I die.
2000AD! Mmm, 8th grade.. Well round 1 anyway. I had finally gotten completely out of the public school system. I gave my teachers at this school hell for the next 6 years, but somehow managed to graduate. 2001: The World Trade center comes down and is marked as the single worst day of my life. I developed a sort of sub-conscious empathy after #2 left. When people are in a room, their emotions usually reflect on me (unless I'm playing poker) When I saw the first tower fall it was the worst thing I had ever felt. Worst than any night alone with the man that beat the hell out of me any night. Worse yet, I would come to discover that our own government may have had a role in it.
So here I am.. You know a bit about my past that I've never mentioned before. This is probably due to the fact that I usually only talk about games when I talk about my past. My situation: I am failing at a college that I don't want to attend in the first place. I have more or less lost my business partner which means my dream of launching a successful game is out the window (at least for now). I have a spite for my government and have lost trust. Furthermore, I have come to despise people who won't open their eyes.. My neighbors, my friends.. Even some of my family. My younger sister accused me of assaulting a dear friend of my family after her father got full custody her. My older of the younger has abandoned us entirely in search of a life in a world that no member of my family condones. I owe money to every person I love in this world and between school, work and the vehicle I use to get to both, that debt grows deeper every day.
I have a car sitting in my driveway that I am trying to sell.. With the money, I could go somewhere, anywhere for a while.. Perhaps to another country to get my head strait, I don't know. The problem is that I have been running for 15 years.. I have never succeeded at anything in my life. All 3 of the jobs I've ever had were handed to me on a silver platter the same way my high school diploma was.. I have nowhere to turn.. No one to talk to. Everyone is a judge. Leaving would mean giving up everything I know.. But is giving it up better than watching it die a slow, painful death? This city is eating me apart from the inside out and I just have no idea what to do.. I could cry almost every minute of the day that I'm not just completely lost in the bustling confusion of a world I've grown to despise.
Radiation is good.............
15th September 2006
I dont really know what you want people to respond with, but i willl give my view, you say u have never succeded at anything? take up a sport dude, when i was in grade 7, i was in one of the best soccer teams in the state, now i am in one of the best paintball teams in the country (united arab emirates)
Life sucks dick man, i hate nearly everyday of my fucken life, i put on a smile and push threw it tho, and i know how it is to have familys torn apart. when i was in grade 4 or 5 my mum and dad got divorced. dad soon got remarried, i didnt even know he had a girlfriend but he got remaried, and they had a kid, and they jsut had anotherone (poped out yesterday). everyday those kids are called my brother and sister, i dont care what anyone says, they arnt my fucken brother or sister, they have the same father as me, that don't meen shit tho, sure i can chill with them and be nice and play games and shit, but they arnt siblings.
nobody new but dad getting remarried was the hardest thing ive ever had to understand in my life, in grade 8 that came out i didnt give a fuck about anything, fuck school, my parents, my life fuck everything. then everything i had got taken away from me, and i was thrown in a new country, in a new school with people who to this day i fucken hate to death i realized what i had was the best thing ever and to this day i miss it, i miss my mum everyday, she is the only person i can truely say i love but because of other shit, i cant Live with her..
as i said man, life sucks complete dick, nobody gives a fuck about you, nobody cares who you are, everyone is in it for themselves, and if you have to put cunts down to make it further, then so be it.
8th May 2007
Well, I don't know what to say...that sounds horrible, man. Moving away seems like something I'd do, but there is the slight problem that you'd have nothing to relate to, seeing as you left everything behind. And you could stay and try to ride it out. I myself would move, but it's your call.
closer to the edge
8th March 2005
seems like you have alot on your mind,, leaving or running from it aint gonna help, i know that for a fact. you have to really look at yourself despite the situation your in and well i wouldnt say be selfish, but think and understand where you want your life to go. consider others even if there assholes.
i dont wanna be blunt about it but a few years ago when i was headed nowhere fast and where being locked up for stupid shit was the usual, i was told by a relative of mine "if you cant find something to live for, might as well find something to die for" a few days after he joined the army.
Ich Bin Das Auto
17th May 2006
Hmm, strikingly similar question that which Hamlet asks himself in Shakespeare's play; "To be, or not to be: that is the question:/ Wether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer/ The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,/ Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,/ And by opposing end them. To die: to sleep:/ No more; and by a sleep to say we end/ The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks/ That flesh is to heir to, 'tis a consummation/ Devoutly to be wish'd." (3.1.57-65) Hamlet questions wether or not to commit suicide and just "get it over with", in the same way that you question wether or not to just leave it all behind and start fresh. Hamlet chose to stick with it, and it ended up ruining a whole lot of people's lives including his own. Some argue that it is "nobler in the mind to suffer", but I think that's a load of crap. If you don't like your situation, then by all means I say you have the right to change it. Just keep in mind that there are people who love you and care for you, no matter what situation you are in.