Some funny stories for comic relief JKA style -1 reply

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Tulak Hord

Hitokiri Battousai

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24th August 2007

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#1 12 years ago

If anybody wants some comic relief, I have some more stories here for/from JKA. There just for comedy. There are several of them. They may be a bit confusing They're not perfect, they're just for laughs:

Just Plain Annoying:

Our hero is caught in an endless struggle with bodily functions, while some sterotypical villian wreaks horror throughout the city. An urgent cry for help reaches Capt'n. America 's(or Americer's if you're from Boston) but he can't help, due to the fact that he has "bisuniss" to attend to. He pulls out his Cingulat Wireless ( The New AT&T!) and calls his friend, Cpat. Canada. But instead, he reaches the operator. "If you are a telemarkter, press 1,if you are stuck in the bathroom while someone is wreaking havoc, press 2. If you are in mortal pain and bleeding severly, please hold." America presses 2 and is istantly hooked upv with his buddy, Capt. Canada on the phone. "Canada, who is doing this?" "Let me see zzzz.....zzzzzz.zzzzzzz !!!, SORRY! Let's seee, it's Averus Retruthan and his pink bantha, yelling something about Filefront Bandwidth." "Fileback Bandwitch?" "Doesn't matter, where are you?" "I'm uh, unavialable right now, please hold. "America, stop kidding around!" "Alright, jeeze, I'm uh, in a bathroom, fighting bodily functions without toilet paper in my reach." "Great"


Mace vs. Paplatine

Mace: Wait!

Palpy: What?

Mace: I just saved hundreds by switching to Geico

Palpy: Really?

Mace: Yeah!

Suddenly a speeder crashes through Palpy's window

Palpy: *calls 1-800-Ripp-off* (Geico's number)

Operator: I'm sorry, your call cannot be accepted at this time. If you are a jedi, press 1, if you are in the bathroom with sand paper toilet paper next to you,

press 2, if you need Geico, press 2, if you are a Sith, please hold, and a jedi will be there to council you.

Palpy: (presses 2)

Geico guy: Hi? I am in a far away planet right now, somewhere in the Reghi Maze! Who are you.

Palpy: I want to get Geico

Geico guy: Hold please. (palpy hears a lightsaber ignite unside the Geico place, and he hares "Oh ho,,, hey, Mr. Ugly eh? Thirst for drkins do you, because you take my breath, so ugly, my eyes are hurtnig, red they are, get lost you. Here's your drink, my filith swims in it. Oh.. you'll cut out my ill tounge eh well..." There is a sound of a lightsaber completley killing Geico guy, with a scream and dismsmberment.

Guy who killed Geico guy: (talking on the phone) What the geck can i do for you?

Palpy: Nothing, uh, bye.

Operator: Thank you for using Multiplar Wireful, you now must pay 1,000,000,000,000 credits for a long distance call to the Regih maze.

Palpy: What?! (Grabs Mace's lightsaber, and his own saber, and cuts himself in half. Before he dies) Yo mace, give my will and dbts to eh, Anakin Skywalker!

Mace: Okay, moron (tosses corpse out window)

The End!

(This scene takes place at the movie scene "March on the Jedi Temple")

Hey! Aren't You on cleanup duty?

TK: I don't want clean up duty, no no no!

other guy: yes

TK: No

Other guy: What if I told you that at this moment, an mod creater named micahmatt is makeing a new worlds map pack v2, and he is adding a lot more fecies to the water treatment plant, and he is planning to hire a lazy clonetrooper who does'nt clean up corpses to clean up the fecies.

TK: Really?

Oter guy: Yeah!

TK: uh, (goes up to Anakin, and whispers something in his ear)

Anakin: Yes, yes of course, we shall dispatch of them immediatly.

The clonetrooper (TK) pulls off his helmet, to reveal that he is really, Obi-Wan Kenobi! Anakin and Obi kill all of the clone troopers and save the jedi temple. But what of Yoda and Palpatine, what is their fate during their battle?

Obi: This time, my young padawn, you are on cleanup!

Anakin: Come on! I'm not a padawn!

Yoda and Palptine were dueling in the senate as Obi and Ani burst in.

Anakin: It's over palpatine

Palpy: Much the contrary. (pulls off hood to reval that he is Averus Retruthan!)

Anakin: Mom

Averus: Yo mommy is dead, don't youb remeber, she was killed by the tusk-

Anakin rushes Averus with Obi and Yoda

Averus: You can't beat me!

They all kill him, or so they think

A holoprojecter comes from the corpse and displays the real Averus

Averus: You petty fools. It's time to die

Annoucer voice: Senate wil self destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2

Averus: Have fun boys

Annoucer voice: 1

Obi: i'll take cleanup! Anything but this!

Tulak Hord

Hitokiri Battousai

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24th August 2007

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#2 12 years ago

Oh no! not there!

Anakin: Yes there

Rosh: Please no

Anakin: What do you mean? You don'y want me to put the couch right there?!

Rosh: ?

Anakin: I'm trying to ask you where you want the couch?

Rosh: What's with that saber at my privates?

Anakin: I'm pointing behind you

Rosh: Uh, what about the drink holders?

Anakin: Well, they could be big like this (accidnetly starts to choke Rosh) Or like this (tightens grip, therefore really hurting Rosh)

Rosh: Glaugh, blauh hiccckkkk

Anakin: I just can't decide. But with you in freak modewhile gurgling, I can't concentrate

Rosh: BLAUGGHHHHH! (Dies in a miserable heap of flesh)

(Obiwan takes an elevator out of nowhere)

Obi: Anakin, what are you doing?

Anakin: Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot to turn the force off. My bad. Wait, why is Obiwan wearing my bathrobe? How long have you benn listening Obiwan? If you heard me say the Notebook was my favorite movie, it isn't. I see you got barbaque sauce on my bathrobe!

Obi: You have done that yourself!

Ani: Come on Obi, everyone knows that I hate barbaque. I absolutely do not eat barbaque!

Obi: Only a sith deals in absalutes.

Ani: A sith?

Obi: A sith

Ani: Vhats a fith?

Obi: A sith

Ani: zats a preety nyasty wisp you got dare. You should get that fixxed.

Obi: I will do what I must (ignites saber)

Ani: I must warn you, I am very good at backflips. (jumps backwards, swinging saber madly) FLIPPY FLIPPY FLIPPLY LAVA LAVA LAVA LAVA!!!!!

Anakin falls into lava

Ani: It seems that I've overshot my target. And now I'm on fire. (burns to a crisp)

Obi: Thats gonna leave a mark

Hurries to a barely breathing Rosh

Obi: Hold on

(ignites saber where Ani had it pointed)

Rosh: No....

(hits him with the saber there)

Rosh: (babbles nonsense, sounding like he's on helium)

Obi: Are you okay?

After hours of nonsense, Rosh comes to his senses.

Rosh: Obi, leave me!

Obi: NO!

Rosh: I will die. There is no stopping that now.

Obi: Goodbye, my friend.

Rosh: Goodbye........ my master UNHG! (dies)

Obi leaves Taspir with a terrible sorrow for both of his padawans.

Taspir Comlink: Facility will explode.... now!


The fire swirls around rosh, as he is reincarnated by the power of an explosion while he is near death)

Rosh: You will die Anakin (If you are not dead already)

Reaches out his hands, and sucks the explosion in.

Rosh: I think that I am GOD! (he acually becomes God!)

Rosh leaves Taspir through a portable stargate teleporter.

Down in the lava pit, a blackened and scarred hand emerges, as Anakin pulls himself out.

Anakin: You will die Obi and Rosh, you will die.

Anakin then gains the anbility to endure extreme pain, like Darth Sion.

Gets to landing pad via a lava tube, hops in his fighter, and heads for the Unknown Reigons.


Obiwan is headed for Courascant, when he pulls over and parks on Alzc IIII (IIII is a joke!)

He lands onto the vast wasteland of snow, as flakes fall across he face, the jedi is unfazed.

Obi pulls out a hologram that he had of Rosh and views it.

Obi: My friend, you were like a brother to me, your death shall be avenged. I loved you. I hope you have a better life, wherever you are.

Obi rewatches the holovid many times, as the sky grows dark. He heads back to the ships and goes into hyperspace, crying by the bucket.

The End

(Obi only fried Rosh's balls for funniness!)

The End

Look out! A blaster bolt!

Rebel: And now we join you with Rebels Jo and Bob, as they cook, uh... something

Bob: First you take out the sarlacc teeth and you

Jo: Sarlaci don't have teeth you *bleep* moron!

Bob: Ok, jeeze. No, add rancor ears


Bob: Now we take out our blaster and fry the bowl with it and *shoots bowl, richoeting bullet everywhere*

Jo: Uh, we're outta time, bye! (shuts visual on camera off, but you hear YOU *BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* I'LL KILL YOU!

Now, to the yavin Temple

Kyle: Luke, I have a problem.

Luke: Proceed *fart*

Kyle: You farting and Rosh taking my girl

Luke: *blat* Yer, girl eh? Sariss? Oh yes, she's very nice.

Kyle *cough* JAN! JAN! JAN!

Luke *riiiip* Who's Jan?

Kyle: AHHH! (Charges Luke just as the blsster bolt flies overhead

Luke: *splat* how dare you touch me? *grabs Kyle by collar, and tosses him out the window.

As Kyle falls, Averus Retruthan walks into the chamber behind Luke

Averus: You did an excellant job, The Darker One ( )

The Darker One: Thank you, Lord of Death.

Kyle falls and hits the water outside the temple

Kyle: OOF!

Just then, the blaster bolt reappears, and hits Kyle

Kyle: Sith Spit!

Kyle climbs up and up back to the top, only to find Averus and T D O (The Darker One) waiting for him.

TDO: A pitty. I thought you had learned your lesson.

Averus: Kill him.

Kyle: No..... (extends saber)

TDO and Averus: Your'e a sad jedi.

They have a fierce duel, until Kyle is hit in the hip, and was two sabers at his throat.

Then TDO makes someone come in the room.

Kyle: JAN!

Jan: Kyle!

Averus: (his voice layered with mezmer *that's from Artemis Fowl* ) Jan, kill him.

Jan: Yes, My Lord. (Takes TDO's saber and sabers Kyle through the heart. The last thing he sees before he dies is Jan being killed, now that she had no use to Averus and TDO


The End

A typical morning for darth Vader

Vader: Yawn

Reborn: Good morning Vader


Reborn: Sir?

Vader: I hope you don't have a good one. (pushes reborn out window) Any others? Good. Now, for some TV

Reborn2: Sir, the TV is broken!

Vader: Broken!? You better fix that, or I'll fix it for you. Your life will be like that TV!

Reborn2: GULP

Vader: (Pulls out his cellphone) Get me Gneral Grievous

Grievous: Yo?

Vader: Come here

Grievous: Stand back

Vader: ?

Grievous jumps out of the phone

Vader: What the........... Well, okay yer here. Reborn 360! Get the TV!

Reborn360: Yar! ( goes and gets TV)

Vader: Grievous, get on the TV.

Grievous: ?

Vader: Just do it!

Grievous hops on the TV

Vader: Reborn 890, get those rabbit ears off the TV!

Reborn890: Blah Blah Blah!

He does so

Vader: Grievous, bend into the weirdest postion you can!

Grievous does so

Vader: Oh, that looks painful

Reborn10: Here's your remote Lord!

Vader: Thanx.

He flips through the channels, flipping by Jerry Springer, The Simsons, American Idol, America's got Talent, and Rachel Ray

Vader: *bleep*, nothings on TV

He kicks it and breaks it

Grievous: How dare you?!

Vader: Get out

Grievous: (jumps off the TV, and goes to the door) Red Oranges Yank Glue Bunnies Poply

Vader: ?

All reborns: Vader must die

Grievous: Yes kill him

Vader: ?

Grievous: It's over.

Vader: NO!

Grievous: Yes

The Reborns all extend their sabers, as Grievous cloaks

The Reborns completely slaughter Vader

The End????????????? NO!

Vader awakes, pain pulsating throughout his body.

Vader: Huh? Wha?

Then two figures come out of the dark

Vader: Who are you?

2nd figure: He's Averus Retruthan, and I'm The Darker One.

Averus: Yes, you took a severe beating

TDO: We patched you up, using Dark Force

Averus: You no longer nned to have a breath mask. We left your face scarred, to scare enemies. Put if you wish to wear your mask, press this button

Vader: Ok

Averus and TDO sstep out of room.

TDO: He's too dangerous

Averus: Well of course, it's all a part of the plan

TDO: ?

Averus: Once he kills our greatest enemies, we shall press this

TDO: This handy button and activate a poison in his blood stream, therefore killing him from the inside out.

Averus and TDO: Brilliant!

TDO: We shall rule, even at this moment, pieces fall into place for our plan, and we shall destroy the Empire and the Rebels from the inside out!!!!

Tulak Hord

Hitokiri Battousai

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24th August 2007

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#3 12 years ago

JKA: The Musical!!

Rosh: Good Morning World!

Random happy and bright creatures fill the room

Creatures: Everyday is special!!

Rosh: Everyday is is cherished!

Cute bunnies pop out of Rosh's bed, along with rainboes and the Sun, and angels

Rosh: I love LIFE!!!

A halo then grows around his head

Kyle then walks in the room, his face a plastered cringefest.

Kyle: (singing) I get up every dang morning, eat the slop, you call food, I put up with you, taking my girl, I survive luke's farts, and Yoda's rapping, but this sort of trash, your happy mind is just garbage!

Rosh: (singing in opra) But my life is happy!!! I live for life

Kyle: I live cuz I got nuttin bettah to do!!

Rosh (opera Life iss full of love, life is full of kindness!!! Happy Happy Happy Happiness!!!

Kyle: (rapping) Yo a piece of junk, I sumun duh creatures of tha undeh' world, to wipe you aut. Ah sumun Hadies, duh Devil, and all yo horrors!!

Horns grow on kyle's head

Rosh(OPERA): My dreams are of peace!!! You can't spoil them!

Kyle: Oh yar ah kan!

The room goes into dark red, and bloodcurdling shrieks pierce Rosh's ears

Rosh: NO!

Kyle: YES!

Rosh runs, as Kyle transforms into his true self, the Lord of The Under World with red eyes tentacles, claws, scales, etc.


Rosh escapes and runs to Luke

Rosh: (rap) Luke, kile's insane. he tried to keel me!

Luke: (bad idol auditioner) @#$%! Rosh, get to the ship, but first, R2 needs to get it ready.

Rosh: (helium) Hurry up!

Luke: (sedetives) (Luke is really sayng okay, it's ready, but he's on sedetives, so he is talking very slow)

oooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyy rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Rosh gets in X-wing, takes off, and blows up in the clouds (because of the det packs)

Luke's face peels back to reveal that he is Averus Retruthan, and Kyle walks in, peels back his face, and reveals that he is The Darker One!!!!

(No more singing)

(insert scary but dramatic music here)

Averus: Well done, we have

TDO: We have disposed of the Rosh Pennin #1

Averus: #1?

TDO: There's a whole planet of Roshes, wating to be killed

Averus: Oh.

TDO: Our plan is already working. Soon, the Republic will fall, and we shall rule



-All stories written by Tulak Hord (I perfer Himura)