If anybody wants some comic relief, I have some more stories here for/from JKA. There just for comedy. There are several of them. They may be a bit confusing They're not perfect, they're just for laughs:
Just Plain Annoying:
Our hero is caught in an endless struggle with bodily functions, while some sterotypical villian wreaks horror throughout the city. An urgent cry for help reaches Capt'n. America 's(or Americer's if you're from Boston) but he can't help, due to the fact that he has "bisuniss" to attend to. He pulls out his Cingulat Wireless ( The New AT&T!) and calls his friend, Cpat. Canada. But instead, he reaches the operator. "If you are a telemarkter, press 1,if you are stuck in the bathroom while someone is wreaking havoc, press 2. If you are in mortal pain and bleeding severly, please hold." America presses 2 and is istantly hooked upv with his buddy, Capt. Canada on the phone. "Canada, who is doing this?" "Let me see zzzz.....zzzzzz.zzzzzzz !!!, SORRY! Let's seee, it's Averus Retruthan and his pink bantha, yelling something about Filefront Bandwidth." "Fileback Bandwitch?" "Doesn't matter, where are you?" "I'm uh, unavialable right now, please hold. "America, stop kidding around!" "Alright, jeeze, I'm uh, in a bathroom, fighting bodily functions without toilet paper in my reach." "Great"
Mace vs. Paplatine
Mace: I just saved hundreds by switching to Geico
Suddenly a speeder crashes through Palpy's window
Palpy: *calls 1-800-Ripp-off* (Geico's number)
Operator: I'm sorry, your call cannot be accepted at this time. If you are a jedi, press 1, if you are in the bathroom with sand paper toilet paper next to you,
press 2, if you need Geico, press 2, if you are a Sith, please hold, and a jedi will be there to council you.
Palpy: (presses 2)
Geico guy: Hi? I am in a far away planet right now, somewhere in the Reghi Maze! Who are you.
Palpy: I want to get Geico
Geico guy: Hold please. (palpy hears a lightsaber ignite unside the Geico place, and he hares "Oh ho,,, hey, Mr. Ugly eh? Thirst for drkins do you, because you take my breath, so ugly, my eyes are hurtnig, red they are, get lost you. Here's your drink, my filith swims in it. Oh.. you'll cut out my ill tounge eh well..." There is a sound of a lightsaber completley killing Geico guy, with a scream and dismsmberment.
Guy who killed Geico guy: (talking on the phone) What the geck can i do for you?
Palpy: Nothing, uh, bye.
Operator: Thank you for using Multiplar Wireful, you now must pay 1,000,000,000,000 credits for a long distance call to the Regih maze.
Palpy: What?! (Grabs Mace's lightsaber, and his own saber, and cuts himself in half. Before he dies) Yo mace, give my will and dbts to eh, Anakin Skywalker!
Mace: Okay, moron (tosses corpse out window)
(This scene takes place at the movie scene "March on the Jedi Temple")
Hey! Aren't You on cleanup duty?
TK: I don't want clean up duty, no no no!
other guy: yes
Other guy: What if I told you that at this moment, an mod creater named micahmatt is makeing a new worlds map pack v2, and he is adding a lot more fecies to the water treatment plant, and he is planning to hire a lazy clonetrooper who does'nt clean up corpses to clean up the fecies.
Oter guy: Yeah!
TK: uh, (goes up to Anakin, and whispers something in his ear)
Anakin: Yes, yes of course, we shall dispatch of them immediatly.
The clonetrooper (TK) pulls off his helmet, to reveal that he is really, Obi-Wan Kenobi! Anakin and Obi kill all of the clone troopers and save the jedi temple. But what of Yoda and Palpatine, what is their fate during their battle?
Obi: This time, my young padawn, you are on cleanup!
Anakin: Come on! I'm not a padawn!
Yoda and Palptine were dueling in the senate as Obi and Ani burst in.
Anakin: It's over palpatine
Palpy: Much the contrary. (pulls off hood to reval that he is Averus Retruthan!)
Averus: Yo mommy is dead, don't youb remeber, she was killed by the tusk-
Anakin rushes Averus with Obi and Yoda
Averus: You can't beat me!
They all kill him, or so they think
A holoprojecter comes from the corpse and displays the real Averus
Averus: You petty fools. It's time to die
Annoucer voice: Senate wil self destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2
Averus: Have fun boys
Annoucer voice: 1
Obi: i'll take cleanup! Anything but this!
Oh no! not there!
Anakin: Yes there
Rosh: Please no
Anakin: What do you mean? You don'y want me to put the couch right there?!
Anakin: I'm trying to ask you where you want the couch?
Rosh: What's with that saber at my privates?
Anakin: I'm pointing behind you
Rosh: Uh, what about the drink holders?
Anakin: Well, they could be big like this (accidnetly starts to choke Rosh) Or like this (tightens grip, therefore really hurting Rosh)
Rosh: Glaugh, blauh hiccckkkk
Anakin: I just can't decide. But with you in freak modewhile gurgling, I can't concentrate
Rosh: BLAUGGHHHHH! (Dies in a miserable heap of flesh)
(Obiwan takes an elevator out of nowhere)
Obi: Anakin, what are you doing?
Anakin: Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot to turn the force off. My bad. Wait, why is Obiwan wearing my bathrobe? How long have you benn listening Obiwan? If you heard me say the Notebook was my favorite movie, it isn't. I see you got barbaque sauce on my bathrobe!
Obi: You have done that yourself!
Ani: Come on Obi, everyone knows that I hate barbaque. I absolutely do not eat barbaque!
Obi: Only a sith deals in absalutes.
Ani: A sith?
Obi: A sith
Ani: Vhats a fith?
Obi: A sith
Ani: zats a preety nyasty wisp you got dare. You should get that fixxed.
Obi: I will do what I must (ignites saber)
Ani: I must warn you, I am very good at backflips. (jumps backwards, swinging saber madly) FLIPPY FLIPPY FLIPPLY LAVA LAVA LAVA LAVA!!!!!
Anakin falls into lava
Ani: It seems that I've overshot my target. And now I'm on fire. (burns to a crisp)
Obi: Thats gonna leave a mark
Hurries to a barely breathing Rosh
Obi: Hold on
(ignites saber where Ani had it pointed)
(hits him with the saber there)
Rosh: (babbles nonsense, sounding like he's on helium)
Obi: Are you okay?
After hours of nonsense, Rosh comes to his senses.
Rosh: Obi, leave me!
Rosh: I will die. There is no stopping that now.
Obi: Goodbye, my friend.
Rosh: Goodbye........ my master UNHG! (dies)
Obi leaves Taspir with a terrible sorrow for both of his padawans.
Taspir Comlink: Facility will explode.... now!
The fire swirls around rosh, as he is reincarnated by the power of an explosion while he is near death)
Rosh: You will die Anakin (If you are not dead already)
Reaches out his hands, and sucks the explosion in.
Rosh: I think that I am GOD! (he acually becomes God!)
Rosh leaves Taspir through a portable stargate teleporter.
Down in the lava pit, a blackened and scarred hand emerges, as Anakin pulls himself out.
Anakin: You will die Obi and Rosh, you will die.
Anakin then gains the anbility to endure extreme pain, like Darth Sion.
Gets to landing pad via a lava tube, hops in his fighter, and heads for the Unknown Reigons.
Obiwan is headed for Courascant, when he pulls over and parks on Alzc IIII (IIII is a joke!)
He lands onto the vast wasteland of snow, as flakes fall across he face, the jedi is unfazed.
Obi pulls out a hologram that he had of Rosh and views it.
Obi: My friend, you were like a brother to me, your death shall be avenged. I loved you. I hope you have a better life, wherever you are.
Obi rewatches the holovid many times, as the sky grows dark. He heads back to the ships and goes into hyperspace, crying by the bucket.
(Obi only fried Rosh's balls for funniness!)
Look out! A blaster bolt!
Rebel: And now we join you with Rebels Jo and Bob, as they cook, uh... something
Bob: First you take out the sarlacc teeth and you
Jo: Sarlaci don't have teeth you *bleep* moron!
Bob: Ok, jeeze. No, add rancor ears
Jo:*bleep* RANCORS DON"T HAVE EARS MORON!
Bob: Now we take out our blaster and fry the bowl with it and *shoots bowl, richoeting bullet everywhere*
Jo: Uh, we're outta time, bye! (shuts visual on camera off, but you hear YOU *BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* I'LL KILL YOU!
Now, to the yavin Temple
Kyle: Luke, I have a problem.
Luke: Proceed *fart*
Kyle: You farting and Rosh taking my girl
Luke: *blat* Yer, girl eh? Sariss? Oh yes, she's very nice.
Kyle *cough* JAN! JAN! JAN!
Luke *riiiip* Who's Jan?
Kyle: AHHH! (Charges Luke just as the blsster bolt flies overhead
Luke: *splat* how dare you touch me? *grabs Kyle by collar, and tosses him out the window.
As Kyle falls, Averus Retruthan walks into the chamber behind Luke
Averus: You did an excellant job, The Darker One ( )
The Darker One: Thank you, Lord of Death.
Kyle falls and hits the water outside the temple
Just then, the blaster bolt reappears, and hits Kyle
Kyle: Sith Spit!
Kyle climbs up and up back to the top, only to find Averus and T D O (The Darker One) waiting for him.
TDO: A pitty. I thought you had learned your lesson.
Averus: Kill him.
Kyle: No..... (extends saber)
TDO and Averus: Your'e a sad jedi.
They have a fierce duel, until Kyle is hit in the hip, and was two sabers at his throat.
Then TDO makes someone come in the room.
Averus: (his voice layered with mezmer *that's from Artemis Fowl* ) Jan, kill him.
Jan: Yes, My Lord. (Takes TDO's saber and sabers Kyle through the heart. The last thing he sees before he dies is Jan being killed, now that she had no use to Averus and TDO
Averus and TDO: NOW, NOBODY CAN STOP US, WE SHALL RULE THE GALAXY! HAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A typical morning for darth Vader
Reborn: Good morning Vader
Vader: I hope you don't have a good one. (pushes reborn out window) Any others? Good. Now, for some TV
Reborn2: Sir, the TV is broken!
Vader: Broken!? You better fix that, or I'll fix it for you. Your life will be like that TV!
Vader: (Pulls out his cellphone) Get me Gneral Grievous
Vader: Come here
Grievous: Stand back
Grievous jumps out of the phone
Vader: What the........... Well, okay yer here. Reborn 360! Get the TV!
Reborn360: Yar! ( goes and gets TV)
Vader: Grievous, get on the TV.
Vader: Just do it!
Grievous hops on the TV
Vader: Reborn 890, get those rabbit ears off the TV!
Reborn890: Blah Blah Blah!
He does so
Vader: Grievous, bend into the weirdest postion you can!
Grievous does so
Vader: Oh, that looks painful
Reborn10: Here's your remote Lord!
He flips through the channels, flipping by Jerry Springer, The Simsons, American Idol, America's got Talent, and Rachel Ray
Vader: *bleep*, nothings on TV
He kicks it and breaks it
Grievous: How dare you?!
Vader: Get out
Grievous: (jumps off the TV, and goes to the door) Red Oranges Yank Glue Bunnies Poply
All reborns: Vader must die
Grievous: Yes kill him
Grievous: It's over.
The Reborns all extend their sabers, as Grievous cloaks
The Reborns completely slaughter Vader
The End????????????? NO!
Vader awakes, pain pulsating throughout his body.
Vader: Huh? Wha?
Then two figures come out of the dark
Vader: Who are you?
2nd figure: He's Averus Retruthan, and I'm The Darker One.
Averus: Yes, you took a severe beating
TDO: We patched you up, using Dark Force
Averus: You no longer nned to have a breath mask. We left your face scarred, to scare enemies. Put if you wish to wear your mask, press this button
Averus and TDO sstep out of room.
TDO: He's too dangerous
Averus: Well of course, it's all a part of the plan
Averus: Once he kills our greatest enemies, we shall press this
TDO: This handy button and activate a poison in his blood stream, therefore killing him from the inside out.
Averus and TDO: Brilliant!
TDO: We shall rule, even at this moment, pieces fall into place for our plan, and we shall destroy the Empire and the Rebels from the inside out!!!!
JKA: The Musical!!
Rosh: Good Morning World!
Random happy and bright creatures fill the room
Creatures: Everyday is special!!
Rosh: Everyday is is cherished!
Cute bunnies pop out of Rosh's bed, along with rainboes and the Sun, and angels
Rosh: I love LIFE!!!
A halo then grows around his head
Kyle then walks in the room, his face a plastered cringefest.
Kyle: (singing) I get up every dang morning, eat the slop, you call food, I put up with you, taking my girl, I survive luke's farts, and Yoda's rapping, but this sort of trash, your happy mind is just garbage!
Rosh: (singing in opra) But my life is happy!!! I live for life
Kyle: I live cuz I got nuttin bettah to do!!
Rosh (opera Life iss full of love, life is full of kindness!!! Happy Happy Happy Happiness!!!
Kyle: (rapping) Yo a piece of junk, I sumun duh creatures of tha undeh' world, to wipe you aut. Ah sumun Hadies, duh Devil, and all yo horrors!!
Horns grow on kyle's head
Rosh(OPERA): My dreams are of peace!!! You can't spoil them!
Kyle: Oh yar ah kan!
The room goes into dark red, and bloodcurdling shrieks pierce Rosh's ears
Rosh runs, as Kyle transforms into his true self, the Lord of The Under World with red eyes tentacles, claws, scales, etc.
Kyle: (OPERA) YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME!
Rosh escapes and runs to Luke
Rosh: (rap) Luke, kile's insane. he tried to keel me!
Luke: (bad idol auditioner) @#$%! Rosh, get to the ship, but first, R2 needs to get it ready.
Rosh: (helium) Hurry up!
Luke: (sedetives) (Luke is really sayng okay, it's ready, but he's on sedetives, so he is talking very slow)
oooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyy rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Rosh gets in X-wing, takes off, and blows up in the clouds (because of the det packs)
Luke's face peels back to reveal that he is Averus Retruthan, and Kyle walks in, peels back his face, and reveals that he is The Darker One!!!!
(No more singing)
(insert scary but dramatic music here)
Averus: Well done, we have
TDO: We have disposed of the Rosh Pennin #1
TDO: There's a whole planet of Roshes, wating to be killed
TDO: Our plan is already working. Soon, the Republic will fall, and we shall rule
-All stories written by Tulak Hord (I perfer Himura)