Section 1 of my Fanfic -1 reply

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attons_exile

Jaida Rand

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19th October 2007

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#1 10 years ago

This is going to hopefully be a full fanfic. Tell me what you think:

Heart of the Galaxy: Episode I
CONQUEST FOR POWER

Rinna looked out over the vast crowd, thinking, Saviors of the galaxy. What a title. Wherever they went, they would be remembered as the ones that had stopped Darth Malak from reigning over the galaxy. Beside her, Carth squeezed her hand and smiled at her as she turned her head to look at him. She had to smile back; he was obviously happy, getting all this attention from these people. For being a hero again. As the crowd began to converse in their small groups, Rinna’s party began to move from their stone-still positions. What would happen now? Rinna wondered. She turned to Bastila. “Well, Rinna, this is where our journey together ends. The Jedi believe that I need more training… a lot more training. The path ahead will be difficult, without doubt, but worthwhile.” “Of course. It’s probably better for you to be away from us. Well, me anyway. What with me being an ex-Sith lord and all….” “Yes...I know. Really, I can’t believe they didn’t exile me. But I guess they decided that since it was Darth Malak who…manipulated me, they were to allow some slack. However, they know that I need the most and the best training I can get. I only hope that I can become the master that I wish to be... that I need to be.” “Yeah....” Rinna never had been one for philosophical talk. “You will stay for the party, though, won’t you?” “I don’t think that would be a wise decision. I need to get to Coruscant as quickly as possible. Besides, parties are wasteful and they allow even the strongest Jedi to lose self-control.” Even now, after that had a right to get a little crazy, Bastila wanted to wholly respect the Jedi Code. “Ah, come on Bastila,” Carth urged. “It’s not really a party. It’s more of a celebration. I mean, we did just defeat the prime Sith lord in the galaxy. Besides, there’s no alcohol here.” Almost on cue to disprove him, a drunken roar of laughter erupted from the crowd. “Well, we’re not drinking anyway....” he said quietly. “Yes. Well, I think its best that I be off.” “At least let us fly you there,” Carth offered. “No, thank you Carth. I have arranged other transportation to pick me up rather soon. Master Vandar is coming with me.” Bastila jerked her head toward the small green creature behind them. “Oh.” Carth looked disappointed. “You will be careful, won’t you? ‘Cause I mean, whatever happens to you happens to me,” Rinna reminded her. “Of course I’ll be careful. I always am. And the council probably will not send me on many missions. I’ll be training for quite a while, trying to rid myself of emotion.” Bastila smiled, almost sadly. “Padawan Bastila, we’ll be departing in a matter of minutes.” A young Jedi Padawan stood by Master Vandar. “Alright. I’m ready.” She turned back to her ex-party. “Goodbye, my friends. When we meet again, I hope it’s for the better.” Rinna thought this was a strange choice of words, but she let it go. “G’bye, Bastila,” said Mission. She stepped forward and gave her a smile, secretly forgiving her for being so stuck up. Zaalbar came up behind her and roared his farewells to her, also. Canderous even walked up to her, saying, “See ya, Princess.” Bastila frowned, then muttered, “There is no emotion.” “Farewell, Carth. Stay safe.” “I will, Bastila. You better stay safe too.” “May the Force be with you,” she repeated. And with that, Bastila Shan dispersed with Master Vandar and the Padawan, maybe never to be seen or heard from by Rinna again.




Fyurii

NEKRON!!!!!!!

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4th August 2006

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#2 10 years ago

The only minor bugbear I've got is Rinna..... I take it Rinna is supposed to be Revan, and given that, should be called Revan. Aside from that very minor detail, it looks ok so far. Keep it coming:cool:




attons_exile

Jaida Rand

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19th October 2007

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#3 10 years ago

It's because of the whole light-side thing, where she says, "I'm not Revan anymore. Don't call me that."




Inyri Forge VIP Member

[Insert User Title Here]

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15th March 2005

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#4 10 years ago

:giggle: I can't help but picture Bastila exploding into random atoms when you say she 'dispersed'. Perhaps the wrong choice of wording there. :p

Otherwise not bad at all.




attons_exile

Jaida Rand

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19th October 2007

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#5 10 years ago

Really? That's what you picture??? Okay, guess I'll have to change it for you Inyri, so Bastila won't explode when you read it....




Junk angel

Huh, sound?

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29th January 2007

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#6 10 years ago

I like it.

Could I just ask you for something. Would yo be so kind as to post it in the entertainment section of the forums as well? It would be great if you did that, since more people would then see it, and hopefully more people would post there their stuff as well :)




The Crusader

I think I'm adorable.

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6th November 2007

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#7 10 years ago

I like the idea that you used her fake identity and made it permanent. Probably what Revan would've done himself. It looks really good! It has a few grammatical errors though. When you're done, send me a copy and I'll be more than happy to edit it for you.

So how far do you intend to take it? I would make it into a book and divide it into two halves. 1st half: Starting from where you just left off right now, and finishes when Revan (Rinna) seeks out the True Sith. The Second half should start with the Exile making her way across the galaxy, and eventually end by her waking up on Peragus. Just a suggestion. It depends on how far you actually want to take it. But whatever you do, don't stop. This looks really good and if you're determined to finish it, it'll be great!




The Crusader

I think I'm adorable.

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6th November 2007

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#8 10 years ago
Inyri Forge;4211661:giggle: I can't help but picture Bastila exploding into random atoms when you say she 'dispersed'. Perhaps the wrong choice of wording there. :p

Oh you'd like that wouldn't you Inyri? :rofl:jk.




Lordjedi

:(

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2nd September 2007

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#9 10 years ago

Pretty good but Revan is Cannon male good job.




attons_exile

Jaida Rand

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19th October 2007

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#10 10 years ago

Wow! I'm glad everyone likes it! I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I thought that maybe this would lead up to where Revan leaves Carth. The second one will be about the Exile going into the war and Revan meets the Exile (briefly). The third one will take place after K2




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