Nice ones REBEL . While I was driving down the A66 today, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk,asked: "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Speeding ticket: ?105.00 Penalty Points : 3 Court costs: $45 Look on copper's face: Priceless :lol:
[COLOR=red] IRISH CANDLE STORY .Ian :lol: [/COLOR]
[COLOR=darkgreen] [COLOR="Red"]COLORED [COLOR="Blue"]PEOPLE [/COLOR][/COLOR] ..Ian :lookaround: [/COLOR]
[COLOR=blue] WHY WE LOVE KIDS [/COLOR] IAN
Subject: Why We Love Children
[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy]W[/COLOR][/COLOR][COLOR=black][COLOR=black]hy We Love Children[/COLOR][/COLOR][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue]2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=purple][COLOR=purple]3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, William, come in or stay out!'"[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy]4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room" A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=maroon][COLOR=maroon]5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=green][COLOR=green]6 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"[/COLOR][/COLOR] [COLOR=green][COLOR=green]The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=red][COLOR=red]7. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried[/COLOR][/COLOR][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.[/COLOR][/COLOR] [COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy]8. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"[/COLOR][/COLOR]
Aussie Slang I'm hungry: "I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies." "I could eat the horse and chase the jockey." "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread." "I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair." "So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger." "I'm drier than a nuns nasty." "I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay." "I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat." "I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards." "I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon." "My back teeth are floating." "Need to syphon the python." "Takin' the kids to the pool." "I got to take a snakes hiss." "Gotta go have a slash." "Gonna go water a horse." "I'm off to drain the main vein." "Time to splatter the bladder." "I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it." "Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I need to do a poo:
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi." "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl." "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly." "Off to the bog to leave an offering." "Time to snap off a grogan." "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave." "I'm gonna strangle a brownie." "There's a brown dog barking at the back door." "I'm going to give birth to your twin." "Need to choke a brown dog." "I've freed Nelson Mandela." "Going for a Rodney." "Taking out the garbage." "I gotta back one out." "Release the Chocolate hostage" "i gotta lay some cables for telstra"
"Calling for George." "I was driving the porcelain bus this morning." "I left him a lawn pizza." "Toss a tiger on the carpet." "Gotta go Ralph"
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders." "Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!" "About as useful as tits on a bull." "You must be the world's only living brain donor." "He's a few wanks short of an orgasm." "She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard." "He had a head on him like a sucked mango." "May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down." "He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock." "So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!" "Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery." "Pull your lip over your head and swallow!" "As ugly as a hat full of arseholes." "If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards." "Got a face like a bashed in shit can." "Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground." "Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse." "Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties." "About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition." "I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!" "A stubbie short of a six pack." "Seen better heads in a piss trough." "You're as handy as shit on a stick." "Tighter than a fish's arse." "So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him." "Face like a smashed crab." "As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp." "He could talk a dog off a meatwagon." "F**ked in the head." "You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie." "He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door." "Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast." "Your face is like a twisted ugg boot." "He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle." "She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times." "She's two pick handles wide." "An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag." "As ugly as a bag of spanners." "You've got a head like a dropped pie." "He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away." "I wish his dad had settled for a blow job." "Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down." "Your the load your mother should have swallowed" "If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it." "Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs." "As thick as two short planks!" "you got a head like a busted watermelon"
"Ya bloods worth bottling!" "He's True Blue."
Dr. Seuss Computer Manual
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. ==================================== I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ===================================== There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. ===================================== How do you get off of a non-stop flight? ===================================== Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans. =========================================== What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator? =========================================== If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ================================================ Is "tired old cliche" one? ================================================ I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'. ================================================== When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' ================================================== How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? ================================================== If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap? =================================================== When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment? ==================================================== Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?
==================================================== Was it somebody's cruel idea to put an "S" in the word "LISP" ? ================================================ My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. ===================================================
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. =================================================
The sky already fell. Now what? ===============================================
SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS TO BURN VICTIMS?
=================================================== If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ============================================= If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? =============================================== If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? =============================================== Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? ============================================ Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. ================================================= If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. ================================================ Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ================================================= In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. ==================================================== I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' ============================================== I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.' ================================================= Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? ================================================= Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. ================================================= If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ================================================= Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '? =========================================== One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. ============================================== I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. ================================== I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one. ============================================= If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? =============================================== If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in? =========================================== Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"