Feedback needed!!! Essay contest judging!! 5 replies

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#1 13 years ago

Hi guys, I need a little advice and feedback. I decided to enter an essay contest, so I wrote about politics a little. The essay might not be well organize, and I tend to go back and forth a lot, making it confusing. I will edit it and spend a lot of time to organize it. At this point, I just wanted to get my ideas on paper to make it easier. There might be gramatical errors, but what I cared about was to get the ideas out. The paragraphs will also be edited and reorganized, maybe adding some more.

SO THIS IS NOT THE FINAL PRODUCT, BUT A ROUGHTDRAFT OF IDEAS AND HOW I WOULD LIKE TO DESCRIBE THEM.

What I am looking for:

1. Feedback. Any kind of feedback would be appreciated. 2. Criticism. I'm all open for it. 3. Suggestions.

I am planning to finish the final product and mail it in by Thursday, so If you have anything to say, I would appreciate it.

I would also post the final product on Thursday

The essay has no name at the moment as I will decide the name once the final product is finished.

If you don't bother to read it all, please don't post feedback, as I need feedback from serious people. Thank you! World War II left a path of destruction and havoc, and forever changed the world. The most affected was Europe and specifically Eastern Europe. For many Eastern European countries, the end of the war was the beginning of a new “era”, a new reign of terror. This new kind of terror was Communism. Although many people saw the regime as evil, with nothing good coming out of it, in some cases history proved wrong. Such cases are Eastern European countries that are no better now under Democracy than they were fifteen years ago under Communism. Democracy is a strong ideology, but the ideology itself will not work unless it blends in with the system in the society. For the United States, for instance, the system would be the US constitution that makes certain laws the roots of the society. In that case, a system of Democracy will work very well as corruption on a high level will be difficult to achieve, and on a low level, would be easy to mask. As we see from history, the idea of communism usually blends in with dictatorship. This of course will have advantages and disadvantages. Dictatorship itself has advantages and disadvantages. The disadvantages of course are that unlike in a democratic system, the government does not concern about its people. Instead, they are tools used to achieve glory and power for the certain country. This could lead to a miserable life for many people. The advantage would be an increase in the economy and very little political corruption. A good example of this would be the former Soviet Union. Stalin raised the country from its knees and eventually made it a world super power by the end of WW2. He achieved in a few years what many did not in decades. The country developed technologically, economically, and militarily. However, that came for a very high price. A human price that is. Those who refused to follow the regime’s intentions were crushed like cockroaches, and the government had total control over everything. However, the country developed and perfected its technology, becoming a world super power. The question is if democracy would have resulted in a better outcome if it was in place at that time. Whether or not democracy would have worked better, we don’t really know. By using facts from history, we can conclude certain things and come up with conclusions. Democracy itself would not work well unless the foundation on which it stands is solid and provides the roots for a scrupulous society. As the war in Europe ended, back in 1945, Europe split into West and East, just like Berlin was divided into West and East. The East was dominated by the Soviet Union and its ideology of communism while the West was dominated by the United States and its ideology of democracy. Unlike the United States who helped rebuilt Western Europe by granting large sums of money, the Soviet Union used Eastern European countries for its own benefits, and left them on their own to rebuilt their infrastructure. It should also be taken in account that unlike the United States who did not fight the war on its homeland, the Soviet Union lost much of its industries and was left with devastated cities. So they had rebuilding to do on their own and little time to focus on other countries. Although the strength of their production facilities increased, the country was left with many devastated cities such as Stalingrad where whole cities were reduced to rubbles. So, we can assume the Soviet Union did not have the capability of helping Eastern European countries as the United States had. As a result, and because of the type of government, the people in the East lived in worst conditions than those of the West. However, the drug traffic was much lower in the Eastern Bloc countries than Western countries such as the United States. The type of government in Eastern Europe made it difficult for drug lords to operate, while a democratic government would make it a casual operating spot. The United States is such as examples, as it became a central point of drug dealing. The government had little control over it, and as a result the population began to feel the effects as many became dependent on drugs. As a result, the drug business boomed, and the United States became a victim of such business. Because of the freedom and liberty, gang problems were also a bigger problem in a nation such as the United States, and even Great Britain. Eastern European countries on the other hand, did not face these problems at the magnitude as Western Countries. However, the living conditions were worst as communist countries paid little attention to the needs of the people.

The years of 1989 to 1991 saw a big change in Eastern European countries. Like the end of WW2, the revolutions of 1989 to 1991 forever changed Eastern Europe. It was also the end of the Soviet Union and ultimately the Cold War, as USSR collapsed in 1991. Many historians argue that the Soviet Union collapsed as it raced to win the Cold War rather than paying attention to it’s satellites who were beginning to crumble. East and West Germany was the point where the East met the West. It was also a place where very similar people lived very different lives in very different conditions. The people of East Germany did not agree with the puppet government installed by the Soviets, and very often tried to flee to the West. In 1989, the wall collapsed as the people of the West met those of the East and Germany was reunified. In the same year, Poland, Romania, Hungary, and Czechoslovakia overthrew the communism regime. Of course, everybody hoped for the best at that time, but many did not get what they expected. Sixteen years after a democratic government was enforced in these countries, its arguable that the living conditions stayed the same, and in some cases became much worst. According Charles P. Wallance’s “Across the Great Divine” article taken from “TIME Europe 1999”, about 90% of the women in East Berlin held a job before 1989 while in 1999, half the unemployment in the East were women. In the same article, Wallance points out that many people had a higher living condition under the communism regime as they did after the reunification. Such person was Frank Schulz who was being paid less after reunification of Germany and at the same time having to pay 10 times as much for rent. Wallance also points out that even though the city of Berlin came together, in many economic ways, it was still split. In 2005, the unemployment in Germany rose to a 12.6%. Although Germany was able to stand on its knees after the reunification, many Eastern European countries had different stories to share. Years after the fall of communism, and introduction of a democratic reform, the standard living conditions did not change. Not only did they fell, the countries were doing worst economically and militarily speaking. For example, Romania built most of its infrastructure during the communism regime of Ceausescu. At that time, heavy industrialization began, and many contracts with the west were opened. Such is the construction of a nuclear power plant at Cernavoda initially contracted by the Soviet Union, but in the end completing it with the Atomic Energy of Canada, because of the Chernobyl disaster and safety of Soviet reactors. Because of all of Ceausescu’s reforms and plans to industrialize the country, there was obviously huge debt. As a result, the dictator exported much of the country’s vital supplies, decreasing the living conditions as food became expensive. By 1989, the people revolted, and Ceausescu was executed. It was the end of communism for Romania, and a new change. However, as history shows, the democratic change did not bring prosperity. The country was too fragile for the implementation of a working democratic system. There were too many flaws and holes in the system. As a result, corruption was very high and many politicians were taking advantage of their own people. It is ironic that by the time of Ceausescu’s death the country paid all its debts. During the communist regime, it was also the number two exporter of firearms in Eastern Europe. In just a few years, the new, so called democratic government, made a huge debt, but unlike the former regime, the money was not used for the prosperity of the country. Therefore, the people were still leaving in a bad condition, the country had a debt, and its economy and infrastructure was put to its knees. Recently, the corrupt government sold its most valuable resource away. The state oil company was sold to foreign investors, making the oil in Romania cost more than in other countries. The only difference is that Romania has oil as a natural resource and countries like Austria doesn’t but they pay cheaper. So, as we see, a democratic government doesn’t solve all the problems, and it will not work unless it is implemented on a solid foundation. The people might have freedom and liberty, but the living condition is bad, and the country is doing bad economically. The people can’t just rule themselves as there is always somebody who tends to climb the hill faster than anyone else and take advantage of the rest. The idea will only work only if the foundation is solid and there are certain laws that have little flaws. Such foundation is arguable the US constitution. But, unlike the United States, many countries do not have that solid constitution. Therefore democracy will not work well in such cases. The United States started with democracy form the beginning, making it much easier to be effective. It will be more difficult to implement an effective system as that of the United States, on a country who previously had a different form of government and the people have different ideologies. Such example is Iraq, where democracy written on paper will not mean democracy in actuality.

The idea of democracy will not work well unless the foundation on which it stands is strong enough to withstand corruption. The United States constitution accounts for such foundation. There are many examples of countries where previous forms of government such as communism worked better than democracy. Not only economically, but even speaking about the standard living conditions. Many countries saw the fall of the standard living conditions as their population struggled with higher prices. In many Eastern European countries, certain good were hard to obtain. Today, everything can be obtained, but few can afford it. So it leads to the same thing in the end. In many countries, democracy did not decrease poverty, but instead led to a type of government which would be easy to manipulate as the system was flawed. Such system would be the constitution. So this goes back to the beginning, to the idea that democracy would no work well unless the system on which it stands is hard to manipulate, and strong to withstand the mightiest of wind. In the end, we must prepare for the worst and hope for the best.




Admiral Donutz VIP Member

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#2 13 years ago

Which class is it for and what was the exact task that you were assigned? Any other requirements?

I also fixed those broken paragraphs for you, it would a pain to read through it.




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#3 13 years ago

Well, its not for any class. Its for a scholarship contest. Basically, they want people to write an essay that deals with communitarian thinking.

Philosophy Theories Policies Etc

I know it will be a pain to read it all, but only then can you really know what I'm talking about. As in this draft, I don't have a strong focus point. I'll try to do that tomorrow. I had a lot of ideas in my head, and just wanted to get them out and be as best organized as I could.




Delta Force

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#4 13 years ago

DecebalusWell, its not for any class. Its for a scholarship contest. Basically, they want people to write an essay that deals with communitarian thinking.

Philosophy Theories Policies Etc

I know it will be a pain to read it all, but only then can you really know what I'm talking about. As in this draft, I don't have a strong focus point. I'll try to do that tomorrow. I had a lot of ideas in my head, and just wanted to get them out and be as best organized as I could.

Try to combine the sentences, and used eloquent, flowing sentences. You can express more than one idea in a sentence. For an essay this expresses to much opions, not enough facts. For every opion have a backup sentence on it, using facts. Go though all your facts/opions untill you have nothing left to say. And I belive your ending is weak, you need to make a big impression as to why that IS untrue, not why you THINK it's untrue.

I read alot so I have a large vocabulary, and I know that if you use big, impressive words than people are more likely to like what you write. Use word's synonym fuction to pick more complex words to substatue for some of the bland, avrage ones you used and you will win!:D




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#5 13 years ago

I finished making the adjustments.

http://forums.filefront.com/showthread.php?p=2484876#post2484876

Thanks for all who gave feedback and showed interest in it. You guys are great : )




MR.X`

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#6 13 years ago

Just so I know, are you writing in MLA or APA format?