6th December 2004
i am having prob with being shy, i never talk or anything, i only talk 2 a few ppl, but i would like 2 hang out with more friends any idea on getting rid of this shy type?
The All Seeing Eye
5th June 2004
If you hang out with more "friends" chances are that those people are idiots who pretend to be someone else, not the kind of person you would like to have around, unless of course you are like them. I talk to a few people, and I have no problem with that because I do know I can call them friends. Do not worry about it and be yourself.
Pirate vs Ninja who will win
18th March 2005
As far as I know you'll either grow out of it or you'll live with it. It's not that bad depending on the level of shyness. You know your in trouble when you ignore anybody the moment they talk to you. I assuming your not that bad though.
7th December 2003
You can learn not to be shy. Just talk to people, ask them how they are, what the have been doing and so on. You can also try out some new activities (sport) to meet people.
It is great that you ask this. Make this day the one where you leave the dubious artificial hang ups you have imposed on yourself & discover what is really possible at zero cost to yourself. The weird thing about not being shy - is that there is no downside. It is no compromise - you will only reap rewards.
Ok get ready... this turned into a VERY full answer: (...but I think its important else I would have just said 'go jump off a cliff or something as helpful. 0_o)
Since you are asking on how to go beyond being shy or as you put it, 'getting rid of this shy type' (though that makes it sound like you are trying to be rid of someone else who is shy :P), I presume you have recognised that this in some way is preventing you from reaching as far in the world as you recognise is possible. At least it is obviously an obstacle to the people you have access to, or will get the opportunity to meet.
I sincerely belive that understanding the problem is key to surmounting it & moving on. With human issues such as this one I also know that understanding & defining the problem is not enough - you have to find, recognise & admit to some degree, the source of the problem. If you don't think there is anything wrong - why would you stop doing it? The snag with doing these things & just beginning the process is that when you have such concerns - those behaviours are due to your take on the world. That is - the way you are interpreting the world - to you - is not an interpretation, it is real, it is your world & you are living it. So when someone points out to you that, that is not the whole of the options available to you & it conflicts or contrasts with you behaviour it can seem like they are talking insanities! :uhoh: It will have to seem this way at first, because they are showing you, or telling you of something new. When it comes to patterns of behaviour listening to new ideas can be enraging, confounding or suprisingly uneventful (if we cannot see the restriction in our behaviour precisely because we have eliminated certain options or abilities to recognise options that have been there all along).
Shyness & other such hang ups are a shame. They are a shame because they are self perpetuating traits. That means that simply believing them & honestly accepting them as 'true' is all that is necessary for them to be so (even though in reality the 'facts' that the person believes makes this the only reality are infact only 'true' because they are upholding them as such in their minds). But anything I tell you here is looked at in more detail at any one of tens of sites. :google: is your friend.
Google this phrase: how to overcome shyness
Let me know which sites impress you the most please if you find the initiative to check some out.
Here is one that seems, balanced & useful http://members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html let me know what you think best & worst points were.
I am generalising, people are shy because they have learnt these patterns of behaviour from those they have grown up with. Think about it - when we are born we have no idea what being human is - we recognise those who are like us & we begin to immitate & through imitation we assimilate beliefs & behaviours which we do not question. We are taught not to question & to simply accept.
If you think this is not universal then you have not heard of ferral children who grow amongst animals & wholeheartedly assimilate their behaviour. This is a powerful survival technique & makes man one of the most adaptable animals.
In short your shyness is probably not even 'yours' & only the result of learned behaviour. Alternatively it is the resultant behaviour in response to your environment or the set of others people characters that you have had to deal with. You have kept this behaviour because you feel - 1.safer, 2.That being confident is harder only for those people that can do it, 3.That you have to be 'something special' to be confident. 4. You are only born confident.
I am certain that if you are honest with yourself you can add some more insightful points to that list. What I am telling you is that you do not have to be born 'confident' to be this way - that we are all capable of it in our own way & of communicating this to people.
Let me let you in to this little secret. I don't know if you are a girl (if you are then telling you this may not help so much, but then I cannot change the way things are so you may aswell become aware of it now rather than later), imagine being the weaker sex. If you are then you don't need to imagine - but think about all those confident women out there. They have to live with the reality that if things came to the crunch just about any man or animal can overpower them physically - if the fabric of civilized behaviour breaks down in an interaction they are at a disadvantage & they have to learn to assert themselves with this reality always at the back of their minds. They did not elect to be born female as far as I know but they have to accept this disadvantage. Do you see women cowering all the under this very real threat? Do you see them bow their heads to every man for fear of incurring his anger? No way. Women communicate confidence. Very early on women realise that Dad is poweful but that mom has Dad under control & they realise how mom communicates this. So in short a great part of being confident (the contrary to being shy) is simply convincingly & consitently communicating your confidence to others.
One of the challenges to pulling this off - about the only one in fact - is that people will test your confidence.
What is great about being confident is that real confidence is not like in films - where they confident guy always comes out on top, his lines are the best & always has the last word to the awe of everyone else - that is not how it goes for real confident people; for we are only people & we do mess up, alot.
In real life being confident means that we take those blips in our stride - we can learn from them & choose to come up with confident behaviour for when they happen again - & the funny thing? By electing to do this we will communicate confidence more convincingly next time & people will see us as confident all the more. Anyone can appear accomplished when things are going swimmingly for them... its when it all falls around your head & right on top of you & you can shrug it off & say 'oh well, didn't see that coming, but hey... no skin off my teeth' & walk on without missing a beat that people will understand that you are impregnable.
Self doubts - The other factor with shyness at this age is that you are seeking acceptance from the world - but there is nowhere where you can queue up to get this - or even buy it. The fact is that you will find people awkward if you do not accept yourself, if you do not love yourself (in a respectful way I mean). Have you heard 'you cannot expect others to respect you if you do not respect yourself?', It follows on from , 'You cannot expect others to respect you if you do not respect them'. In short respect cannot be forced - it is reflected. It is a reaction to an action you initiate indirectly. Remember that. Crucial.
Also remember that if you do not repect/love & have not accepted yourself then you will find that others on the whole will not. You will not be able to make them do so either. Not even by being threatening & heavy handed - I mean you can push people to tell you they do - hold a gun to their head & they will quickly pledge - but it is false , something they say to serve them, it isn't sincere.
So step 1. in being less shy & communicating confidence is accepting yourself! There could be other minor initial concepts you have to get your head round but if you start here you are certainly not wasting your time by any means.
How to go about the pecualiar sounding activity of 'accepting yourself' So you have accepted that you have to accept yourself before you will be able to convincingly communicate that you are coming from a place where you sicerely believe this is the way things are? :P Good. The simplest exercise is to think of all the people you can see (around you in real life - I don't mean fake world of TV or celebrity - they have marketing warping their reality that does not count) that are 'confident' or not shy, or 'loved' or easily or readily accepted.
Think of what they do. I mean everything - what is their day like from they minute they get up to the minute they go to bed. If you cannot think what it is like - ask them. Go up & say you look cool, what do you get up to. What things do you find most fun what would you recommend to someone if you had to tell them cool things to do & what things do you think are cool that you have not been able to do yet. What cool things do you regularly do? Then get them to tell you what was the most fun thing they did last week or yesterday then ask them when they did it & with who & what they did before that. Tell them you are making a list of cool things you want to try before you are 21 & grown up & boring or whatever. Then compare it with what you do. Now are they doing anything really magical that you could not do? Are all the most readily accepted people from your social group all doing something in common that guarantees them to be accepted - yes they may all group together because of some common activity but this is not what makes them accepted - this is just what brings them together - if some nasty asshole did the same activity they were interested in I bet you he would not be a part of the group. So in short simply being good at something - though it can bring you admiration for your skill is not the key to acceptance & confidence (not that it is a disadvantage, but it is not the key).
Secondly - your physical appearance - i.e. your body is not key either. I bet you think all confident people are better looking than you, or sound better or move better. Some may be, in some ways (I fell for this, I used to believe this completely); but some won't. Now ask girls, (you will most likely feel like panicking if you have never talked to girls. See role play below for some simple strategies on getting out of social tightspots below.) ask them about their opinions - they may mention the most popular guy - but also say you know your friends don't talk to me right, so don't be concerned, I know you like someone that you aren't supposed to, but don't be a sheep like everyone I want you to speak your own mind to me. Be honest & I'll be honest with you. (Stop plenty after every sentence & look her in the eyes - she may have pretty eyes & so its a bonus - Jeez if you are girl I'm sorry just reverse this & talk to some dudes :) ) - Damn I wish I had my time in school again! This is dynamite I would love to try this being that age again - oh well.
Speak too slowly if you must - better than speaking quickly & communicating non-verbally that you are nervous.
What you shall learn is that those people who you thought were born with the birthright of being attractive & accepted are infact not the only ones who create attraction & acceptance. So looks do not infact guarantee you acceptance & confidence either. Now you may find they test you & put on a cold face. Don't panic. People are allowed to feel what they want, so equally you should not feel you have to react. Lean back & say calmly 'I want to know. *PAUSE* It's interesting. Don't you think it's interesting?' They say 'No.'
You: 'Mmmh, perhaps you have your reasons for not being sincere/honest. Anyway you were saying... or tell me more about.'
Of course things going wrong & you being tested can come in many forms. Want an extreme example: Role play You see 3 or more people they look decent & they are sitting on a wall doing not much & frankly looking like they are waiting for life to come to them... One or more look appealing to you, for whatever reason. If you a walk on because there is no way you can introduce yourself to new people then you are falling for deepseated fears of rejection & tribalism - most of us do this but it is BY FAR not the only way to handle this. See they are doing nothing - they may be talking but nothing challenging is happening - their are waiting for life to come their way. Wait a sec? You are life. You are alive for sure. Be their life & go up to them, challenge their confidence even :P
If you are pleasant & intriguing you are quite likely to find you have at least a brief conversation where you gain some free knowledge from one of them. If they are assholes / threatening etc. just tell them firmly that is not what you are looking for & you have better things to be doing. Literally, because it is true & walk away. The fact is most people are not psychos though they can be somewhat cold at first. However most people are decent & willing to listen to you if you have something to say.
Say they decide to test you in the most harsh way possible: 'Go away'. Do you obey & comply? Do they have any authority? No. So tell this person that you know this to be case. 'Oh I am sorry I didn't know you had any authority & that saying 'Hi' was a crime where you came from.' Then without missing a beat look to the others - across their eye line casually but definitely & ask what is up with their friend 'he / she always this friendly?' You know she is scaring decent people away - the only people will come up to you will be psychos wanting to eat your raw cold bodies.
Say: Chill out & let things happen - it will be ok I promise you. By now people should get the message - I am confident & I am here to stay so lets get on with it. If they are evil at this point then ask if anything is up - cheerfully & directly. If they do not explain their attitude deficiency then say 'Ok - if you are lucky I may give you a chance some other point in your lives' & move on. They certainly need to.
I hope you can see the logic to all that. I hope I am starting to get through your behavioural walls & removing that shyness obstacle from your horizons.
But check out those sites that will come up from that google search. Save this & re-read it every couple of months - as you get better it will make more & more sense - it may seem like totally insane alien-speak where you are at right now. It may come as a real mind melt now, & you may only become ready to apply some of the recommendations & tips weeks, months or years down the line. Either way wether you see sense here or if some of those other pages speak to you - your lot & that of the world only has the opportunity to get better when you finally get your head round this. :)
Having done all that you have to prepare yourself for the fact that people will see you under a completely new light. They will like you - alot all of a sudden. Those that were liked just as much as you will doubtless feel jealous & if they are real fruitloops 'threatened' - let them. You are confident enought to absorb their little fears & their petty negativities.
Be ready for people to fight over who is most deserving of your friendship & for your alliance - to be invited to places - people wishing to 'hang' so that your 'magic' rubs off on them (poor fools :D ).
In short you will have a different & totally new set of problems to deal with - but that is what life is about - challenges due to your growth as a person. :) Enjoy it.
I forgot to mention (can you believe): People also take on shyness because they feel that being in the world that people are soliciting something from them by looking at them. You are invariably sensitive (not a bad thing to be - you just have to learn to develop an acceptance of things & to know that just because people feel a certain way that you do not have to react their feelings by default), & sense that the world is grading you all the time. People are watching, they are witnesses to your every move & you do not feel particularly happy about your moves at present - this is part of the acceptance side of things I talk about in the complete post (do a find on page goto to View menu & then choose find on page, then type in or copy & paste it from here: "acceptance" in your browser to see where I mention this first...).
In reality if you think about it - people have their own problems & are busy with their own shyness, & other hang ups - so in fact though they see you they don't give it as much thought, or critique as you think they do. Yes they may disagree with some things about you - but they disagree with things about most people - why? Because if there is anything common to *everyone* it is that we have our own ideas & opinions on stuff - even when people seem to hold the same opinions, delving further you find it is for completely different reasons!
Yes if you fall comically (no matter how painful it may be/not be) most people will laugh, some will fall over themselves, rofl rofl & all that crap, some will giggle & point, & there may be some present who may even empathise with your pain & ask if you are ok. The important thing to recognise is that it can happen to anyone - the reaction would have been the same & more importantly that it is within your power to not have it happen to you again - look ahead be more diligent in choosing where you step & how etc. if you really don't want to fall in public you can avoid it. You probably could have avoided it then if you were more committed to not falling - when you fall you inevitably have given in to the fact that you will fall - do you know what I mean? Cat is a perfect example - they hate falling- they put such great effort into not losing balance & you rarely see them do so even thought they are more often in situations where they are at risk of it happening.
10th July 2004
You did not read any of it did you? Or very little :nodding:
If I am wrong then can you tell me: do you sincerely think I made no points which could be used by someone to begin the process of practically applying them to move on from uncontrollable anxiety about their place in the world?
Revenge was here.
2nd August 2004
i officially award you the best post of the year award. GREAT POSTING!!!
Note to self: Find pants.
19th October 2002
Wow. Informative, cited, and topical. I like it. A Gold Star for nameChanged!