17th June 2002
MNC - AFTER A two hour negotiation Between West Mercia Constabulary and Joe Bloggs, a 37 year old office worker from Donnington, came to a tragic end yesterday when Bloggs, a manic depressive and known nutcase, leapt to his death. Or so he thought.
Falling from Telford Plaza, one of the largest and indeed, only, skyscrapers in Telford, death for Mr. Bloggs seemed certain. Fortunately for the street cleaners on duty that day, however, his body was cushioned by a passing fat dude, and he sustained only major injuries.
Conscious for the first time this evening, Mr. Bloggs informed MNC that he was "crippled and in excruciating agony, but doing OK otherwise."
"My fall was only a few hundred feet and even though I'm still alive, which wasn't my intention, I'm in a happy place right now man," Bloggs informed reporters during one of his morphine injections.
He has, however, taken legal steps to prevent others from suffering the same fate in the future. Key amongst them is his law suit against the Law of Gravity.
"Had Earth not exerted a pull against me, my injuries would have been less severe, and I'd hate for others to endure what I have endured. Gravity's reign of terror must end."
Mr. Bloggs has a history of legal actions which some find peculiar, particularly the 1994 Bloggs v pies case, in which pies were forced to be less appetising so he wouldn't get fat. He lost.
But his solicitor, We're Dumb Morons and Bros, insist that he has a viable case.
"We'll sue anything that moves. Or doesn't move. And gravity kinda does both, so we said 'fuck it, let's sue 'em'. And we will."
Environmentalists are in uproar however, and are concerned that forbidding Earth from exerting a gravitational pull will have adverse effects on climate change.
"Dude, like, the atmosphere might float away and stuff, and then the polar bears will sink into the ice and die, man!" Mr. Grass of the Green Party said in an official party statement. "And we desperately need to save this snow leopards, 'cause, I dunno. They're rad!"
Meanwhile Alton Towers, Britain's largest theme park, has already drawn up plans for an anti-gravity ride in anticipation of Mr. Bloggs' victory, citing that they were "unconcerned" by the prospect of their customers floating away into space, "provided they pay the entry fee first."
The People's Politsayski
25th January 2004
I'm rooting for Bloggs. I want the law of gravity repealed. Think how much fun it would be to float everywhere!
Quetron's alt account
10th December 2005
What if they just blow him off? He could say
I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
4th September 2007
Fuck the laws of gravity!
Gravity is a harsh mistress with many lovers, and twice as many pending divorce cases
nanobot_swarm;5443947Gravity is a harsh mistress with many lovers, and twice as many pending divorce cases
what woman isn't nowadays?
Knight of MarsBeater of Ass
3rd June 2006
I needed this today.
15th September 2004
[COLOR="Magenta"]So which law of gravity is on trial, Newton's or Einstein's?[/COLOR]
Biggest F-ing A-hole 2010
24th April 2003
Gravity should be outlawed on account of producing boobie sagginess as beautiful females age.