Family Guy quotes! w00t! 10 replies

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AegenemmnoN VIP Member

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19th August 2003

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#1 14 years ago

Lois Griffin : Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter Griffin : That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois Griffin : And what did you do? Peter Griffin : Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Peter Griffin : You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you. (BWAHAHAHAHAH)

[Riding a circus elephant] Peter Griffin : Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Stewie Griffin : [to ticket agent] Now listen to me... [looks at agent's name tag] Stewie Griffin : Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Lois Griffin : Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter Griffin : Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin : You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Peter Griffin : Uh, what could me and you do together? [Lois giggles] Peter Griffin : Lois. You've got a sick mind. Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter Griffin : Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. (HAHAHA!)

Peter Griffin : Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

Peter Griffin : NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying? :lol:

Brian Griffin : Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin : That would explain all the gravity.

Peter Griffin : Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO". Brian Griffin : Peter, those are Cheerios. (HAHAH! one of my al ltime favorites)

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Peter Griffin : I do... ya bastard.

Adam West : I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy. (i use that quote in real life)

Tom Tucker : Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane? Diane Simmons : Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people. [they laugh] Cameraman : You guys, we're still on in Boston. [Tom and Diane stare in horror]

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me. Peter Griffin : [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/ Adam West : What in God's name is he doing? Peter Griffin : Can't Touch me. Cleveland : I believe it's the worm. Peter Griffin : [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

Doctor : Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine. Peter Griffin : Now what? Are you coming on to me? Lois Griffin : Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy. Doctor : ...Can't it be both?

Li : Stewie, come complete our rainbow. Stewie Griffin : I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Janet : Hi. Cookie? Stewie Griffin : Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin. [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

Peter Griffin : Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Peter Griffin : I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together. Announcer : [For Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H. Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [Gets out of bed and gets dressed] Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED. Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.[trying to potty-train Stewie]

Peter Griffin : Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you. Stewie Griffin : Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a doobie and watch porn. Peter Griffin : Rea... Really?

[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor] Peter Griffin : Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless? (i laughed so hard at this scene.)

Peter Griffin : Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.

Stewie Griffin : Do these huggies make my ass look big?

Peter Griffin : Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge] Chris Griffin : Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything Peter Griffin : Well, we almost got that one for insect study. [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat] Peter Griffin : Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps. Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham. Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [pause] Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? (AHAHAH! oh lord YES!)

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus] German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian Griffin : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15... Brian Griffin : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland. Brian Griffin : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. Brian Griffin : A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.) [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute] Brian Griffin : ...uh, is that a beer hall? Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

only one word for the above: beautiful.

Peter Griffin : I'm looking for some toilet training books. Salesman : We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'. Peter Griffin : Well, you see, we're catholic... Salesman : Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'. :lol:

Peter Griffin : You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat? A BOAT'S A BOAT, but the mystery box could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT. You know how much we wanted one of those. Lois Griffin : Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.

[while eating a pancake] Stewie Griffin : OH. mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX.

Stewie Griffin : [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.

[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on] Stewie Griffin : You. Cut my eggs. [waiter cuts his eggs] Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir. Stewie Griffin : Now cut my milk. Waiter: Uh,I can't sir, it's liquid. Stewie Griffin : [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.

[At a job interview] Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Peter Griffin : [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...

Stewie : [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!

Chris Griffin : Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

Stewie Griffin : Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Peter Griffin : Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down. Francis Griffin : I don't want to be a bother. Peter Griffin : It's no bother, is it Lois? Lois Griffin : Of course not, we'd love to have you stay. Francis Griffin : You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Peter Griffin : You hear that Lois? You love kids.

Jim: What did you just call me? Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name. Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it. Huck Griffin: Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't know. [pause] Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'? Jim: Yes. Thank you

Peter Griffin : Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?" [brief pause] Peter Griffin : You gonna eat that stapler? Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a... Peter Griffin : Wanna split it?

Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.

[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit] Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.

Stewie Griffin : [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes, [dialing number] Stewie Griffin : 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together] Brian Griffin : Okay, insert rod support A into slot B. Peter Griffin : That's what... Brian Griffin : If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.

Brian Griffin : Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything. Peter Griffin : I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Lois Griffin : Peter, where's Chris? Chris Griffin : I love you She Hulk. Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back. Chris Griffin : I... I don't have any hams. Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son. Chris Griffin : I need an adult. I need an adult. Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso. Chris Griffin : Thanks.

Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood. Brian Griffin : The Bradys? Peter Griffin : Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it. [Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes] Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes? Peter Griffin : No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.

Peter Griffin : Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

Peter Griffin : Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."

Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here. Peter Griffin : Hey, that's my kid. Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry. Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.

Stewie Griffin : For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny. (HAHHA)

done... for now!



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10th December 2003

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#2 14 years ago

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Blank Stare


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24th July 2004

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#3 14 years ago

wow! those rock! thanks aeg! i was laughing real hard :)



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29th July 2003

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#4 14 years ago

Beautiful. :'(


I'm too cool to Post

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15th February 2004

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#5 14 years ago

Brady kid: hey everyone whats up! Brady Dad: Get back in the garage!!!!! *shoves him with broom*

i swear i watched that part 50 times :)

AegenemmnoN VIP Member

The cream of the crop

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19th August 2003

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#6 14 years ago

i knew you would see this Cambo. :)

yea, thats a funny one. i have 10-12 episodes on my computer. ive seen each one 2+ times. :D

El Hombre del Fuego

The Three of Swords

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11th August 2003

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#7 14 years ago

Hey, you forgot the wonderfully simple

"Whoa! Ass ahoy!"

-Brian, after sneaking between Peter and the wall

Red Menace


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#8 14 years ago

I smell a sitcom!



The local Paultard

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#9 14 years ago

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be? Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. [Pause] Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

Col Jimmy Emeric

Led Zeppelin pwns all

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#10 14 years ago

lmao those are funny family guy is the best

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