17th June 2002
I hope I can remember my SEO skills, 'cause I'm going for a job interview for a role depending on it in a few hours. And I'm still hung over, which probably won't help. So I need you!
Now, as you all know by now, despite me not believing in the any of the following things:
- Alternate or parallel dimensions (including such mythological places as heaven/hell)
- New World Order
- Bananas being bent deliberately by monkeys as part of an ancient conspiracy to make it more difficult to display them in supermarkets
- Alien life having visited Earth
- Intelligent Design
- Robert Downey Jr.
- Predetermined destinies
- McDonalds being a 'restaurant'
- The United States of America
- That Hindu thing with lots of arms
- Gorgonzola cheese
I am nevertheless a highly superstitious person. So I figure if I can get lots of people from all around the world to say 'good luck' lots of times, I'll get the job even if I turn up stinking of day-old sambuca and fags and I end up hitting the interviewer. By now you're probably wondering, "what's in it for me?" And you're absolutely right to think that. Because there's absolutely nothing in it for you at all. Whatsoever. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Nout. Bugger all. Nothing. But you should still do it anyway. I'm going to gargle on mouthwash for a couple of hours, so get started.
God and all the spirits, ghosts, along with Jesus, Buddha and the blue Hindu guy wish you, through the powers of science and creationism the best of luck in defeating karma and the new world order to discover that in an alternate dimension alien life visited earth to teach intelligently designed ancient monkeys the art of bending bananas, with the sole purpose of making it difficult for the demons of supermarkets to stock them on shelves, except in Holland where they are more concerned with gorgonzola cheese, or rather would be if it were not for the ongoing vampire/werewolf conflict, and because of this to understand that it is your predetermined destiny to apply for a job at a McDonald's restaurant, failing which it is your best bet to ask a reincarnated Robert Downey Jr in the body of a manatee where you might find an available leprechaun, which you will surely need.
I didn't make it!
As soon as you go into that interview room, i want you to remember this post and LAUGH FOR NO REASON. But srsly, good luck X a BAZILLION.
For the Emperor! Knights of Caliban!
16th March 2004
Don't do this....
[color=#000000][size=2][b][i]Heralds of the coming doom, Like the cry of the Raven, we are drawn, This oath of war and vengeance, On a blade of exalted iron sworn, With blood anointed swords
Feel me. Do I feel pretty?
15th September 2004
Physicist. Either that, or something in that imaginary place people call Canada.
McDonalds being a 'restaurant'
I've been around enough to know that McDonalds makes the Swine Flu look like an ordinary lice infection. Those fuckers are everywhere. It is a virus. Everytime someone eats there, 8 more McDonalds go up in the world and God kills something cute and/or pretty.
Ghoasts man? Start believing before one lays an egg in you or something.
There's plenty of great job openings in North Korea I hear.
Piercing the veil.
9th August 2003
Matty, babe. Why do you keep lookin' for all these other guys and their money, when all you need is me.
I'd pay you well, 3 times a night.
Make a band and become famous!