Rape An Alligator
I'm not gonna ask you why you'd want to know this, nor should you ask me how I know this. But there are times you might just feel like raping an alligator, and this is a guide as to how to do it.
Step 1: Find An Alligator
Now, this may seem like a given, but there are factors you have to take into account when finding your intended love prey.
Are there any zoos around? If so, do they have 'gators? Typically, these 'gators are more sedentary and have less fight in them, so it's an ideal choice for first timers. Ideally, you know someone who works at the zoo and shares your taste of love partner. This will allow you access out-of-hours and generally have plenty of time to do your business. If you are not so lucky, you will have to break into the zoo, most likely at night or if the zoo is closed due to an escaped, meth-addicted penguin.
If there aren't any zoos around, or if you're too worried about the time restraints associated with having to do your business before someone sees, then the wild is the way to go. Just be warned, wild 'gaters can't be relaxed with the voice of Shirley Temple the way encaged ones can.
Step 2: Relax And Restrain
Ok, you've used your jetpack to fly into the alligator enclosure, or resurrected Crocodile Dundee and hunted one down; so now we need to relax and restrain it. What, you thought this was like raping an aardvark? Thing again.
Now, encaged rapists, I trust you have a recording of Shirley Temple's voice? It's commonly used by 'gator hypnotists who get them to pretend to be dragons for shits and giggles. Monsters. We're gonna show this mighty beast what love is. Play that recording now. Play it, and play it again until the 'gator walks up to you and rubs it's nose on your shin. This is a sign of trust from alligators, so don't be scared and no sudden movements, else it just might rape you.
Wild rapists, you've got a harder task. Take a Hofner bass guitar, like the one Paul McCartney has, and smash it on the very spot his spine joins his skull. If you're lucky, it's already been raped and some kind soul has painted a bullseye on the exact spot.
Now, in both cases, you need restraints. Start with the mouth, since a 'gator's bite is one of the most powerful in all of mother nature. First, place a plastic or paper bag over its snout; then take some belts or rubber bands and place them at intervals over its mouth. This will panic the beast, so keep playing Shirley Temple or repeat hitting it with that bass; now place a picture of Jimmy Carr over each of it's eyes. Again, no questions as to how I know this, but it will arouse the animal.
Further advantage to the enclosed 'gator rapists, you won't need to restrain its legs. Wild guys? Prepare to break its legs. My preferred method is to roll it over and rotate the legs until they dislocate, then snap into two. However, a cricket bat is also an acceptable weapon.
Step 3: The Deed
Right, now we need to find the hole. This will typically be at the base of the tail, between the hind legs. However, some are crafty bastards and seal it up with mud, and sometimes excrement. The latter helps me, but you may feel inclined to clean it. This is where the wild guys have an advantage, since they have more time, and throwing up won't arouse suspicion from the staff.
Now plough away. Just go right ahead and do whatever you want in there. When you're done, remember to remove the restrains slowly and cautiously.
And that's how you rape an alligator, hope this helps some of you.
We've gotten advice on having sex with alligators and dolphins. What's next?
^ Do that.