International Federation of Associated Reporters Typing Exceptional Dispatches 28 replies

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Mr. Matt VIP Member

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17th June 2002

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#1 3 years ago

BREAKING NEWS: The Crackpot Dictatorship of Bielorus has been struck by fifteen intercontinental ballistic melons, after an entirely provoked and completely justifiable attack by a coalition of 'somewhat miffed' great powers.

Bielorus, an inexplicable little shithole that somehow achieved recognition when its "Clueless Leader" began addressing the international community in a language that has yet to be classified by the psychiatric community, is believed to have been completely destroyed. None of its population of four people and two llamas are believed to have survived.

While no-one will mourn for them, the cesspit third-world country was a minor player in the button manufacturing and string cheese producing industries, and some have expressed concerns that the global economy could lose out on hundreds of pence.

In a statement made to the press earlier, the leaders of the Disunited Queendom, the founding nation of the Coalition United to Neutralise Tinpot Shitholes, said: "These wretched upstarts were uncouth, disruptive to the Pez Britannica, and most assuredly needed to be civilised. One achieved this in true British form: the total and utter annihilation of their culture, language, way of life, land, and general existence, via the use of bloody huge knockers."

While reports are still coming in, polls suggest that literally dozens of people across the world have reacted to the act of aggression with dismissive apathy.

"They blew up Belgium? Oh sh... oooooh, Bielorus. Is that the one that does that thing?" responded the one person we interviewed.

While Bielorus' destruction may have been ignored by the general population, the Association of Reasonably Spiffing Educators has announced that Her Royal Majesty, the King of Cheshire, is to be awarded with yet another title he or she can use to lord it over his or her downtrodden subjects - 'Holy Vanquisher of Bielorus or Whatever That Craphole Was Called'.




dinosaurJR

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14th March 2006

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#2 3 years ago

This is not a true fact story. Britain clearly inferior to United Socialistiy Unionistiy Song Group Traktor Commonwealth Republikiskyay Beilorus and Syaint Piyotrsburg. Britain not have pyrogiy. Britain not have borscht. British babushkas only of limited use in factory and not stronk to lift tank for repair. British hydroskiy elektrovhodotsk not work because British water is it too polite to push water wheel to make elektro. Does it stay still and say "pardon me old chaps I do challenge you to cup of tea. Blimey."

Be please to expect epic pissed off Gomrade Stalinista type reprisal. Only does it take us time to form committee to appoint chairman to select cadre responsible to find keys to detonator for tzar bomba... In meantime accept regards embargo.

No regards from Syaint Piyotrsburg, great freind and ally of Socialistiy Farmeristiy Republikskaya Beilorus.




Silberio VIP Member

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#3 3 years ago

I have received letter from the official chairman and vice president of the Socialist Republic of Bielorus who does not discredit the story, but confirms that large scale, massive acts of terrors have been spreading around Bielorus.

Main factories of tractors and tanks have been disrupted and experts estimate the repair won't be completed untill the end of 2024. President Lukashenko has left the office and is in 'exile' in Barbados. Top politicians and military heads-of-state has also fled to different points, mainly caribbean locations and south-east Asia. Along with the exile of said politicians, the national treasury was depleted in which some conspiracy theorists believe was taken by said VIP's. The truth, according to the official bulletin is that hackers and economic magnates, possibly from the Disunited Queendom of Not-So-Great Britain; this has yet to be confirmed.

The incident of explosive melons have rendered most babushkian cells in awe and the so-called "clueless leader" has left without a trace.

Another lie spread by Western mass media is the apathy towards the situation. People along the the north border of Ukraine and former Soviet satellite states are holding pro-benefit masses and bingo-nights in order to help the populace affected by these acts of terror. Official numbers report, that in a relief effort, the following has been collected:

48.900 kilos of pyrogi 12.490 kilos of pig pyrogi 364.000 litres of okroshka 1.256.000 litres of premium borscht soup 3.6 litres of kvass 2 tractors

We are all struck in awe by this event and we hope that the former Republic of Bielorus will be lifted from it's smoking-crater status to a great nation of working class and babushkiy. The kind regards from Bielorus will be missed with great grief. We kindly send regards to the people of Syaint Piyotrsburg and, in name of the people of Bielorus, thank you.

May the regards from Bielorus forever be in our hearts. Regards... From Bielorus.

This has been Pyotr Kirovanov for Sovietskaya Flota Radiyu i Televisiyuniy, reporting from Kaliningrad.


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Dipship

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26th June 2003

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#4 3 years ago

It's over, man.

Regards from Melon Hell.


When in doubt, gas it!



Ryojin

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#5 3 years ago

Fun fact: If you're white and you talk about Ferguson, you're a racist. Doesn't matter whether or not you mention race; if you're white, you're racist.

True story.


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Guest

I didn't make it!

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#6 3 years ago

white people are the worst

so are straight people




Ryojin

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#7 3 years ago

Indubitably.


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dinosaurJR

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#8 3 years ago

Hey!

You like white people? Come to Iraqfrica! You like racists? Come to Iraqfrica! You like blue panties? Come to Iraqfrica! You like bdsm? Come to Iraqfrica! You likr baby animals? Come to Iraqfrica! You like black people? Come to Iraqfrica! You like machettes? Come to Iraqfrica!

We hope to see you soon.

Best wishes!

The Bananna Machette and AK-47 on Flag Peoples Kingdom of Iraqfrica tourist board.




Andron Taps Forum Mod

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#9 3 years ago

But will it blend?!


"I'd shush her zephyr." ~ Zephyr.



Ryojin

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#10 3 years ago

no


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