NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: Varying from pale pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women (although a subgroup only reacts to men), in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:[INDENT]TORNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. MILKING THE SNAKE:
- Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
- Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
- This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
- The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
- Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
[/INDENT]CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and, treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
No! I'm Spamacus!
17th June 2003
I'll milk you.
I smell penis!
Does it smell like lobster?
It smells like semen.