Lord Foppington;4599678Father knows best[/quote]Lord Foppington is watching.Paid for by I didn't care enough to merge these posts.[quote=Lord Foppington]And that takes a lot of gall from someone who wants to abolish religion. Unmitigated one could say.
Lord Foppington is looking in a mirror.
Lord Foppington;4599678Father knows best
And that takes a lot of gall from someone who wants to abolish religion. Unmitigated one could say.
Would you do me the honor of serving as my running mate?
Honestly you two should stop throwing haymakers at each other and team up in order to run roughshod over everyone else. It worked for the oil companies.
Lord Foppington;4599732Honestly you two should stop throwing haymakers at each other and team up in order to run roughshod over everyone else. It worked for the oil companies.
Sounds good to me.
Heaven's gonna burn your eyes
16th April 2005
Mr Menace, is there an obscenely costly fund-raiser-to-show-your-love-of-the-common-man I can attend. My wallet's itchin' for some donatin'.
17th June 2002
Are you sick of these crusty old politicians who bicker amongst each other before teaming up to sodomise you IN THE ARSE and then steal your wallet?
I know I am!
Mr. Matt is all about options, and he'd like to offer you a new one - vote Mr. Matt for 2008! Why continue to be sodomised IN THE ARSE any longer? Mr. Matt even has a viable strategy for governing the country into an era of prosperity!
On the Economy
Frivolous government spending and reckless disregard for any kind of banking industry regulation have sent your great nation spiralling down the crapper, into a place that smells remarkably like poo. The common man is suffering while the wan... bankers pick at our dying economy like a pack of laughing coyotes; giving themselves raises, patting themselves on the back and laughing as they think about you and me living in the streets and being sodomised UP THE ARSE.
If elected, Mr. Matt will change all of this. Don't you find it a tad unfair how all these intelligent, successful bankers have so much money, when you and your stupid brain and sodomised ARSE have virtually fuck all? Mr. Matt thinks it's unfair. So he's going to make money illegal. With no money, the economy can't lose money, and nobody can be rich, so everything will be good and something will happen and we'll make a PROFIT.
All goods and services will be made free, and people who aren't very popular will be forced to work 24/7 in key industries so that the rest of us don't have to. Instead of water, beer will flow from the taps like a beautiful brown waterfall of delight, and instead of staple foods, pizza will become mandatory.
All bankers shall become known as wankers, and put to death.
Our beloved Mother Earth is dying! Our energy bills are soaring! And oil fatcats are sitting on their anal plugs bathing in reams of cold, hard cash! Something has to be done!
But present renewable energy suck HARD. Nuclear powers kills our beloved sperm, solar power sucks when it's cloudy, and hydoelectric power doesn't make any sense to me. And don't get me started on wind turbines - who the hell wants to look at forests of giant windmills? NIMBY, buddy!
If elected, Mr. Matt will destroy all existing power stations with big ass bombs, including nuclear power stations, which will be pretty to watch. We will return to a simpler time, when children married before they could drink out of grown up cups, when men worked in the farms and women would shut the fuck up. All computers will remain accessible through the use of revolutionary HWPG technology - small wheels will be fitted inside the processing unit, into which hamsters will be placed. This will provide clean, renewable and entertaining power for the whole world to post on GamingForums.
On National Security
National security is one of those tricky issues which gives everybody great cause for concern. After all, who wants to wake up in the morning to see Mohammed the Barber standing over your bed with a 34 megaton thermonuclear device? Especially if he hasn't even bothered refining the uranium properly? Nobody does, that's who!
If elected, Mr. Matt shall pull all troops out of Uganda. It's a pointless war that I know nothing about and therefore shouldn't be our concern. There was somewhere beginning with 'I', as well, but I can't pronounce it so it doesn't matter for the time being. Our military shall be disarmed, and our borders left open to anybody who wishes to live in our utopia.
How the fuck will this keep our nation secure you moron, I hear you ask. Well, it's a two-pronged assault on their senses:
- It'll confuse the fuck out of them, thus keeping them wary.
- We shall unleash our most ferocious weapon of all: diplomatic negotiations. By talking reasonably with those guys who want to rip out our hearts and eat them, in conferences that last for several days, we'll bore them to death.
Never again will your child be killed by bombs dropped by our military on the wrong targets! We'll be safe!
While it is amusing to see somebody contract a disease which turns them inside out before they die a long, horrendous death, it is the role of the government to ensure that people are healthy even if it deprives them of funny videos. At the same time, however, we have to balance this against feasible expenditures, which will be a little tricky after we've abandoned money.
But have no fear! Mr. Matt has been in talks with a group of Scythian Witch Women who have agreed to serve our country if he is elected! They are well-versed in the black arts and have extensive knowledge about arms, humours, and drilling holes in peoples' skulls to relieve headaches. Our nation will be healthy, and it'll cost nothing!
Kids need brains, otherwise they can't do all the housework when you can't be arsed anymore.
But Mr. Matt feels that examination-based education is wrong. It encourages teachers not to impart knowledge of the world, but to teach them how to pass tests. More than this, it puts children through unnecessary stress and hardship.
SATs will be scrapped if Mr. Matt is elected. Beer and doobies will be issued to all students of high school, which will end at the age of 15, and all children shall be educated in the art of hard labour on the farms and how to roll spliffs of their very own. Women will be educated in keeping slim and quiet, and ensuring that dinner is on the table after work. And all will be right with the world. Probably. On the Second Ammendment
All weapons of any size or yield, including explosives, tank cannons, 16" battleship guns, nuclear weapons and pea shooters shall be legalised. You may use them however you see fit, particularly if it involves shooting Jerry Springer.
The police will be disbanded and a patrol of Civil Protection soldiers shall replace them. These elite combat units shall be armed to the teeth and authorised to act as judge, jury and executioner. Dealing with criminal acts quickly and ruthlessly is the only way to ensure that people behave properly while they are pissed on their free beer. And without money, all courts will need to be closed down and converted into lapdancing clubs anyway.
On Climate Change
Leading scientists all across the world have warned us that excessive pollution is causing the temperature to increase. Some foreign governments have suggested methods of preventing this, as they wish to help boost their tourist industries. Mr. Matt is wholly supportive of climate change methods, as he believes it is too cold.
If elected, Mr. Matt will nationalise all industries and ensure they are pumping out noxious clouds of crap 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Within a single term, he expects to have improved the environment of our country to tropical levels as well as having sunk the Netherlands, and everybody will be able to enjoy the benefits of these changes.
Mr. Matt swears that if elected, all government officials will only sodomise their constituents IN THE ARSE if they really, really want to.
But it definitely won't be every five minutes like it was before.
On Space Exploration
Mr. Matt is of the opinion that the human race must expand into the stars if they are ever to expand their minds - or their bellies.
By 2020 Mars will have become a gargantuan banana plantation, shipping several million metric tonnes of bananas across the interplanetary expanse every month for all Americans to enjoy. The Chinese won't be allowed to have any.
Mr. Matt also vows to have discovered the alien mothership which has been broadcasting peculiar messages directly into his brain, and if they cannot be negotiated with, then all American space shuttles will be fitted with enormous catapults and sent out to erradicate this extra-terrestrial menace. The funding for this program of intergalactic war shall be derived from bananas.
On SeinfeldRules & Red Menace
These two candidates have very detailed election manifestos, however what they have failed to mention is that they plan to increase the compulsory sodomy IN THE ARSE rates by almost 300% - which means extreme pains UP YOUR ARSE for the next decade at least.
Do you want these two crusty old politicians doing that to YOUR ARSE?
I didn't think so.
Mr. Matt vows to have these two placed into specially-designed sodomy chambers if he is elected, whereby they can serve as distractions for our politicians to reduce the overall public compulsory sodomy IN THE ARSE rates at their expense.
America is the land of opportunity, which brings a lot of foreigners into the country who want nothing more than to sap away our hard-earned plasma TVs. But they also do really cheap work, and when we don't need money anymore they'll be really useful, so Mr. Matt vows to open up the borders.
Mr. Matt isn't an American, but he is a patriot. He promises to fuck up your country just as much as any red-blooded American ever could, and he'll do it fast!
So, vote Mr. Matt for 2008! He won't sodomise you very much, but he'll still fuck up your country!
Mr Matt eats babies and steals their candies.
And he hates old people.
Jeff is a mean boss
28th July 2002
Mr. Matt is winning cuz his post in the longest.
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.;4600168Mr. Matt is winning cuz his penis is the longest.
Fixed to represent STALKER's true feelings.