Random 5 replies

Please wait...

Guns4Hire

I'm too cool to Post

50 XP

22nd September 2002

0 Uploads

15,559 Posts

0 Threads

#1 12 years ago

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2)Drink a cup of coffee. 3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 boxend wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 But at least you know the job was done right !




Guns4Hire

I'm too cool to Post

50 XP

22nd September 2002

0 Uploads

15,559 Posts

0 Threads

#2 12 years ago

RICER: "Rye'sir"; noun attachment.php?attachmentid=45161&stc=1&d=1137077288

Term applied to those in the import tuning scene, often derisively, due to ongoing biases against FWD drivetrains and poorly modified import vehicles.

Used extensively by individuals who are under the impression that Mustang GTs ship with a factory supercharger (only the SVT Cobra does, and only since 2003) or that twin-turbo Supras ship with a supercharger.

any person who adds downforce to the rear end of a front wheel drive car in order to achive quicker acceleration Anyone (usually under 25) who drives a fwd 4 cylinder and thinks that stickers add horsepower. Person who has little to no respect for muscle cars but can respect imports that can't even break the tires loose. A person, usually in their teens, who takes imports, usually from Asia, and puts all kinds of "modifications" on it. In actuallity, they are just making it look faster.

Persons excluded from being called a ricer are:

People that buy import cars that have a rear wheel drive train. People that do modifications to the body AND drivetrain. People who buy cars that are already supercharged or turbocharged are excluded. Examples: Toyota Supras. You Might be a "RICER" if:

1. You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower. 2. You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels. 3. Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque. 4. You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car. 5. You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission 6. DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for. 7. Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts. 8. A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme. 9. Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the side. 10. The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you've only had it 6 months... 11. Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1". 12. You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender. 13. You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving them. 14. You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system. 15. Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear... 16. Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better the handling." 17. You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs. 18. You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings. 19. Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light... 20. The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up. 21. You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds! 22. You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot. 23. You install clear corner and brake lights. 24. You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses. 25. You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over. 26. If your rear spoiler is taller then you are. 27. You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE! 28. If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine yet. 29. Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings. 30. You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang 31. You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system. 32. You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette. 33. If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does. 34. You think the Del Sol is a sports car... 35. You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance 36. If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque 37. If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP. 38. If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights. 39. If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T. 40. Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive. 41. You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai... 42. MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast. 43. The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's eyes. 44. If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect. 45. If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape. 46. If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a modified engine. 47. If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed. 48. You think pushrods are a bad thing 49. Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds. 50. You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that everytime you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts. 51. You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche. 52. If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading. 53. You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine. 54. If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand 55. If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1" to 6" exhaust adapter... 56. If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ... 57. If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club... 58. You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp. 59. You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment 60. You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s. 61. You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool 62. If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators 63. If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers 64. If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™ 65. If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool 66. If you think colored head lights work better 67. Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON! 68. If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it. 69. You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car. 70. You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him. 71. You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice.. 72. Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory. 73. after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner. 74. you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know wha I'm sayin? Relate." 75. you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into." 76. You have to park your car across the road from your house because theres a little bump in ur driveway 77. You use your neibors driveway because yours is stone And the Number One reason you might be a ricer if... (drum roll)... you use the expression "nos" to describe Nitrous Oxide on your car.




Guest

I didn't make it!

0 XP

 
#3 12 years ago

lol




-King-

People say I post too much

50 XP

11th June 2005

0 Uploads

2,370 Posts

0 Threads

#4 12 years ago

lol, funny. You into street racing beef?




SwiftGuard

LOL SILLY NAME IS SILLY

50 XP

3rd April 2005

0 Uploads

2,344 Posts

0 Threads

#5 12 years ago
ßeef FlapsOil Change instructions for Women: 1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2)Drink a cup of coffee. 3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 boxend wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 But at least you know the job was done right !

:chuckle:




Guns4Hire

I'm too cool to Post

50 XP

22nd September 2002

0 Uploads

15,559 Posts

0 Threads

#6 12 years ago
-King-lol, funny. You into street racing beef?

Not anymore. I'm into drag racing, at a track. Only idiots and kids street race. I know, I was one of them once.

And remember. Friends don't let friends drive fart cans. :beer: