17th June 2002
[SIZE="5"]Report: Potato, Potahto - British English speakers admit that colonial amateur language users were right![/SIZE] [SIZE="1"]A report by a journalist who has failed to command respect from his superiors yet and is stuck writing junk.[/SIZE]
These phrases should be well-known to anybody who has ever spoken to an American about anything, as it's their favourite excuse to use whenever they mispronounce a word or get their words muddled up.
It originates in the different pronunciations used by American and British English speakers for the word 'tomato'. Americans pronounce the word 'tomayto', while Britons pronounce it 'tomahto'.
This hot potato issue has divided the two cultures for millennia, and has been responsible for an estimated fifteen diplomatic incidents, twenty-two bar fights, and two hundred and thirty-eight thousand, five hundred and six military conflicts.
These bar fights have been devastating to the American people over the years, as the British - much to the chagrin of Geneva Convention signatory members - repeatedly initiate them during the Super Bowl, knowing that the Americans are unable to retaliate during the event. And the repeated wars have been equally devastating to the American people - in response, the Americans launched military invasions of the United Kingdom during football World Cup matches, believing the British to be equally paralysed.
On each occasion however, they failed to account for the fact that the British people get stabby every time the England team lose the World Cup, which has happened every year since the invention of football in 1966 as a public distraction mechanism.
While pundits have suggested that the British government simply "chill their beans", and stop launching covert bar fights against the American people at the expense of thousands of pounds of taxpayer moneys, David Cameron announced today a radical restructuring of the English language to bring it more in line with their American cousins.
In a report issued to the Tory government today (the Liberal Democrats were asleep again), scholars have pointed out that the Americans are indeed correct - the words 'potato' and 'tomato' are spelled with sufficient similarities to discredit any attempt to pronounce them with any radical differences.
Thus, as of 12am on 29/06/2012, it will be illegal to do so.
From now on, potato must be pronounced 'potahto', in place of the old 'potayto', in an effort to both agree with the Americans in general, but also call them completely wrong simultaneously. The word tomato will be unaffected by the changes, and should continue to be pronounced 'tomahto'.
Fines in the range of 30p shall be issued to any members of the public found pronouncing potato in the old, incorrect manner. American tourists using the word shall be fined 50p, as part of a plan the British government calls "the rehabilitation of people who don't know they're wrong yet." French tourists shall be fined £13,500 on an hourly basis, regardless of what words they happen to be using or how they are using them.
In response, the American people have launched a military invasion of Turkmekistani, confessing that the British "bore [us] with their antics now".
I really wonder how long these differences are going to keep us apart... I've lived in a Latin American society where people from my county (Chile) would call potatos "papa", while most of the Spanish speaking countries say "patata"... Some even claim that these are two totally different things.
Another example is the one of Sweden and Denmark, where in Sweden it's "potatis" and in Danish it's "Kartoffler". This has lead to many bellic conflict between these two countries... I just mean "why?".
this is pub material. btw.
17th June 2002
It's a significant issue in international relations and resolving it will take us one step closer to world peace. I'm glad that the British government is doing something to get to the sauce of this problem.
I suppose the French government also has something to say in the matter, right? their behaviour is rather cheesy.
29th January 2005
So America wins again. Move along folks, nothing to see here.
Conspiracy, I say... CONSPIRACY!